


Hunger

by CrappyWriter



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Mob, Bipolar Ian Gallagher, Bottom Mickey Milkovich, Cop! Ian, F/F, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mob! Mickey, Neighbors, Top Ian Gallagher
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:54:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 67,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27880337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrappyWriter/pseuds/CrappyWriter
Summary: Ian doesn’t know much about his neighbor, only that he leaves early every morning to open his gym. Ian likes to smile at him and say good morning usually he only gets a tight nod or maybe a grunt. Once, he got a snort and a small smile and Ian took that as a major victory. Ian’s worked his ass off to be the cop he is, being a detective is really important to him and after fighting to make the force with his bipolar disorder he doesn’t want to jeopardize it in any way.That is, until he realizes who Mickey is and who he works for, or rather who his family is. Of course, Ian knows who the Milkoviches are. What started as a toxic family has now grown into one of the biggest drug and gun-running families in the midwest and Ian has just been placed on the case that's going to take every single one of them down. It doesn't help that Ian and Mickey already slept together or the fact that Micky becomes the key to the case.But it can't work. Mickey can't be gay or dating a cop and Ian can't be emotionally involved with a prime suspect in his case. But they are and they have to find a way to protect each other without setting both of their lives on fire.
Relationships: Ian Gallagher & Mickey Milkovich, Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich, Karen Jackson/Mandy Milkovich, Mickey Milkovich & Svetlana Milkovich, Mickey Milkovich & Yevgeny MIlkovich
Comments: 68
Kudos: 168





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! So, this is my very first time posting any of my work! I've never written for Ian/Mickey but I do love them so much and once this idea came to me I just had to write it! I hope you guys love reading it as much as I have loved writing it!
> 
> I'll post every Friday, not sure how many chapters this will be yet (the ideas keep coming) but I'm thinking around 15 or 20! 
> 
> Please leave me comments and kudos! I'll try and write other short works but I really want to have this finished before I do that! :)

Ian’s feet pound into the pavement. The air is cold today, summer is coming to a close and soon Ian will have to pull out his winter gear in order to prepare for the arctic-like weather that is soon approaching. He sucks in a grateful breath of cool air and feels it enter his lungs. His body celebrates in relief as he comes to a slower pace, nearing his apartment building.

His runs are the best way for him to clear his mind. Some mornings he wakes up and finds his mind muddled from the day before or even a dream that’s decided to live on into the morning. Today is one of those days. Ever since he first became a homicide detective at the Chicago Police Department he’s been getting more and more stress dreams relating to him and his family. The worst ones usually involve his siblings being targeted by the suspects he’s pursuing. He knows, rationally, that it’s very unlikely that it would happen but his manic brain is what takes his worst fears and make them rational to him.

Some nights they’re so bad that he calls his brother, Lip, waking him in the middle of the night. Every time he hears the exhaustion in Lips’ voice, guilt eats away at him but he also feels a sense of relief when his brother doesn’t have to ask why. Usually, he’ll tell Ian about his day or something his wife, Tami did or what happened down at the garage. Sometimes, he’ll even tell him about his AA and maybe how he thought about drinking because he’s terrified about becoming a father. It doesn’t matter what he says, Ian still manages to calm down his mania and fall back asleep after about thirty or so minutes.

Last night, wasn’t so bad that he needed to call someone, but it definitely lingered this morning. He pushed himself further today, running twelve miles instead of eight. He’ll hate himself later, knowing that his legs will be jello, especially if he’s handed a new case that involves going door-to-door interviewing witnesses and suspects. Right now, he’s grateful for the push. With every breath he takes, he feels the cool air rush into his brain and clear out the fog.

He used to run straight home, sprinting and pushing his body until he reached his front door and collapsing like a corpse onto his couch. The last few months he’s been starting his cool off period a block early, all so he doesn’t struggle to suck in breath in front of the beautiful man that is his neighbor. He’s always leaving for work as Ian is coming back from his run. Ian assumes he works at Tough Guy Boxing gym if his gear is anything to go by.

They haven’t exchanged much more than curious glances and quiet “good mornings” (well on Ian’s end, at least). His neighbor really only manages to get out a brief grunt or a tight nod. Ian isn’t deterred; he knows that eventually he’ll need to borrow sugar or something convincing in order to have an actual conversation with the man. Maybe one day he’ll sprain his ankle and need assistance from said neighbor. But then he’d be laid up for at least a day with a sprained ankle and giving his family even more reason to stress over him and feel the need to invite themselves over to take care of him.

He’s making a potential list of ideas varying from 50s cookie-cutter movies to the introduction of pornos when he sees his neighbor making his way down the front steps of their building. It’s not the nicest building. The doors face outward to a small courtyard but it’s gated and is close to the L which is all Ian can really hope for on his detective salary.

The guy has raven black hair gelled back, but in a way that it doesn’t look fake or unnatural, with a set of blue eyes that nearly knocked Ian out the first time he saw them. He’s short, but not too much shorter than Ian. He’s stocky, easily packing years of built muscle and yet not looking like the meat heads Ian sees at the gym. He’s wearing his normal uniform of track pants with a gym jacket and a duffle bag on his shoulder. It’s a shame, Ian thinks, because there’s a pair of shorts that this mysterious man owns and that Ian has blessedly seen once. They were short, showing off his very toned thighs and making Ian think illegal thoughts that kept him in the shower for longer than they should’ve.

He turns the corner as Ian comes to it, he flashes his neighbor a smile.

“Mornin’,” he says.

His neighbor glances at him, quickly flicking his eyes up and down Ians’ body which makes him feel the best type of warmth. He smirks, “mornin’” he says gruffly.

It’s the first time he’s ever spoken back to Ian and he can’t help but gape at him as he continues on his route. His neighbor’s shoulders begin to shake with laughter as he bumps into Ian purposefully.

“See you around, Red.” He walks without looking back once and Ian wants to light himself on fire.

* * *

Ian loves his job. He loves going in everyday and being handed a new puzzle to put together. Being a CPD detective is something he’s wanted since he was told his dream of being in the Army wasn’t possible. He applied to the academy as soon as he was of age and worked harder than anyone in his class. He had to prove to the commanding officers that he wasn’t like every other South Side kid who got arrested more often than not and he also had to prove to his family that he could handle this and his disease.

Not a lot of people know about Ian’s bipolar disorder. His Sergeant, his Lieutenant and his Captain all know along with his partner, Karen. The people that matter are the people that know, he reminds himself. He’s lucky that he hasn’t had a serious episode in years. His therapist, Dr. Yui thinks it’s the regimen that he’s set up for himself and that being on the force naturally gives him. Having to be in physically good shape definitely doesn’t hurt, neither does the fact that he doesn’t drink anymore.

Other cops have asked on the occasional nights out why he doesn’t drink, it’s the one time he’s grateful for his drunken father, Frank. He’s the perfect example of why he’s sworn off alcohol and drugs. Most people take that at face value and don’t ask any further questions, others them have arrested Frank and understood immediately.

The one thing that Ian has never been secretive about since joining the force is the fact that he’s gay. He had to keep quiet about that his entire life, growing up on the South Side, and he doesn’t want to keep doing that. He’s twenty-five years old, he’s a cop and he’s finally out of that bullshit he calls a childhood. Most people are cool with it, Tony who grew up equally looking out for the Gallagher’s and trying to get into Fiona’s pants, really helped since he’d been out and proud for about three years before Ian joined.

Granted, now he’s had some weird conversations in the break room with random coworkers he barely knows about potentially dating their third cousin or something. He’s perfected his “oh, thanks but I’m not looking right now” speech and apologetic smile. He doesn’t even take Karen seriously and she knows him best aside from his family. In fact, if she ever brings it up he usually pretends to have some type of bowl emergency and leaves the conversation as soon as possible.

“Yo Gallagher!”

Speak of the devil.

Ian turns at the sound of the voice and sees Karen walking up the steps to the precinct behind him. He waits for her and smiles. “Hey Jackson, running late this morning?”

She smirks. “Yep, blowing your brother.”

Ian groans and mocks vomiting into the nearest trash can. She loves to bring up the fact that all throughout high school her and Lip were attached at the hip and didn’t end their sexcapades until Lip left for college and Karen joined the force. They were all still friends, even with Lip having been married for a few years with a kid on the way.

“Is there ever going to be a day where you don’t bring up the fact that you’ve seen my brothers’ dick?”

She thinks for a moment, mocking the last bit of sanity he has. “I could start bringing up the fact that I’ve seen your dick.”

Ian shudders. “Nope, that’s worse. Please stop.”

He turns and continues walking through the entrance and to the elevators in the back of the lobby. He hears Karen’s laugh and holds the elevator for her. She enters and luckily doesn’t say anything more to his one and only time a woman has put their mouth on him. It was high school, he was drunk and Lip thought he was "being a good big brother". 

“How’s Fabio?”

He rolls his eyes and grins. That’s Karen’s nickname for his hot neighbor. She’s been bugging him to get his name so she can actually call him by it, or do a background check, you never know with Karen.

“He actually spoke to me today.”

Karens’ eyes go wide and she starts poking him until he spills the entire story. She looks very pleased at the end of it and continually tells Ian that the nickname he was given is a very good sign of a mutual attraction. She talks his ear off until they make it to their desks which sit facing each other. Ian smiles but barely listens, she tends to go off on tangents most mornings, her first and second cups of coffee kicking in.

She doesn’t stop until their lieutenant walks up holding a manila folder. They share a look knowing what this means, a new case. There’s a giddiness that Ian always feels when he’s handed a new case. Similar to a first date, there’s not a ton of information at first but the more you dig the more you uncover.

“Jackson, Gallagher,” Lieutenant Murphy greets them. He’s an older man, on the force for over fifteen years and has one of the highest arrest records in the CPD. He’s been a great mentor to Ian and really helped him balance his meds and work schedule. “You’ve got a robbery-homicide,” he says grimly while handing the folder to Karen.

She opens it and reads, “32-year-old, Antonio Parella, shot in his home early this morning. He was found by his neighbor when they saw the front door open. No witnesses but fellow neighbors say they saw a white service van around the neighborhood last night and this morning,” she pauses and looks up curiously. “What makes this a robbery?”

Murphy shifts back and forth, he looks over his shoulder at the Captains’ office with its blinds drawn and closed door. “Antonio Parella is from New York.”  
Both Karen and Ian stare at him in confusion, Murphy sighs and mutters something under his breath that sounds very similar to “fucking kids”.

“He’s from New York as in, he’s related to one of the Families.”

That has both of them sitting up quickly in their seats. Ian looks over to the Captains’ office again and suddenly understands the importance of it. “How hush-hush is this?” He asks.

Murphy gives him a look that says everything he needs to know. Then, the doors open and Captain Forester step out along with two other men both in dark suits with visitor badges pinned to them. It’s not hard to read that they’re feds. They make their way over to Karen and Ian’s desks.

“Guys, this is Agent Bowing and Agent Harvey,” Captain motions to the two dark skinned men. One rounder than the other but looks far more serious. “They’re from the New York field office. They are going to be taking point on the Parella murder, and Jackson and Gallagher, you’ll be assisting, along with Murphy when he can spare a minute from his other cases.”

They all shake hands then walk with Captain to the conference room which has been set up with white boards and boxes of what Ian assumes are files from New York. They all take a seat at the long table and Agent Bowing stands at the end. He’s gruff, with lines near his eyes that show the years he’s worked with the bureau. He’s tall, with a round face and middle, but he holds himself high and Ian can tell he doesn’t tolerate bullshit. Ian likes him already.

“We’ve been following the Families in New York for years, we were specifically working Parella as a potential flip. We were on the way to making arrangements for a safe house when he suddenly vanished over night, that was two weeks ago.”

“Did he have any previous ties to Chicago?” Murphy asks.

“None, but we don’t think he left New York willingly. We think another family had a hand in his disappearance.”

“Another New York family?” Karen asks.

Agent’s Bowing and Harvey shake their heads. “No,” Harvey continues. “We think it was the Milkovich family.”

Ian is surprised by these words. Of course, he knows who the Milkoviches are. Growing up, if you needed anything illegal done you went to them. They always had a plethora of drugs and weapons stored in their house at a single time. They are a big family, not unlike the Gallaghers, only you really didn’t want to fuck with the Milkoviches. Sure, the Gallaghers protect their own but they wouldn’t kill you. The same could not be said for Terry Milkovich. He would find you, make it hurt and then to be sure he’d take it out on anyone who knew you.

It hasn’t been a secret that their illegal empire has grown. You can’t go to any drug dealer and hear them selling anyone else’s product. If you need a gun it was definitely trafficked in by the Milkovich family. But Ian is still surprised to here involvement with the New York Families. The Milkoviches may be tough but they were children compared to who was in New York.

“That’s where we need your help,” Bowing cuts in. “You guys will know the Milkovich family better than us and we need to know exactly what their connection is to our guys. Hopefully, we can get a grand slam out of this and take out some pretty big guns.”

Everyone seems to be in agreement and Ian can’t help but buzz with excitement. Forester starts handing out a box to everyone, explaining the files containing information on every Milkovich family member, both by blood and by business. There’s also boxes containing information on Parella and his ties to New York. They would each need a box on both and need to start gathering up as much dirt and information as they could.

Ian opens his first file and sees a name that stands out, Mandy Milkovich. He thinks back and vaguely remembers seeing a pale girl with dark hair sitting in front of him during History class. He definitely remembers the graphic stories guys in the locker room told about her. He never really listened, only really knowing Mandy based on the one time she helped him in the library with a math equation. He smiles softly at the memory and silently hopes that she isn’t too wrapped up in this.

* * *

Ian makes it home late that night, he’s struggling to carry up his box plus one more that they found in the archives back at the precinct. He’s made it up the stairs but now has to somehow get out his keys to open his door. He’s really regretting the extra miles this morning, he can feel his tired legs about to give out on him and the futile attempt he’s making in the battle of boxes and keys. He’s trying to use the wall as leverage when he hears a soft laugh behind him.

“Need help there, Red?”

Ian stutters a bit and ends up losing the grip on his boxes. They fall and there’s definitely a few new dents in them, the top one tumbles and a few of the papers fall out. Ian scrambles to grab them before any information falls out. The hot neighbor bends to help straighten them.

“Bringing your work home with you?”

Ian snorts and nods his head. “Yeah, I’m pathetic I know.”

He manages to get everything back in the box and secures the lid but neither man moves from their crouched positions on the floor.

“Nah, you’re a cop, I’d say that’s par for the course.”

Ian stops. “How did you know I’m a cop?”

The man raises a perfectly sculpted eyebrow and then nods to the badge on Ians’ belt. Ian knows there’s a wicked blush making its way up his neck and now he feels stupid for feeling suspicious.

“Sorry, it’s been a long day.”

His neighbor just shrugs it off, but smiles something small which Ian loves to see.

They stand, Ian taking one box, his neighbor taking the other. This way Ian shifts the box to one arm and takes out his keys. He’s able to unlock his door easily and open it for his new friend who walks in and sets the box on Ians’ coffee table.

“Is this okay?” He asks.

Ian studies him, feeling oddly shy now that this man he’s been crushing on is suddenly standing in his living room. He looks around to make sure there’s nothing embarrassing or inappropriate out. God forbid he left a pill bottle out or something. Ian sets his own box next to the door.

“It’s perfect,” Ian says distractedly, unable to help how much he likes seeing this man in his apartment. He’d like it even more if they were in his bedroom.

The man gives him a look that tells Ian he isn’t subtle at all but he can’t even be ashamed or embarrassed by it.

“I’m Mickey, by the way,” he says holding out his hand for Ian to shake.

“Ian, it’s nice to have a name to the face.” Ian reaches his hand out and relishes the way that Mickeys’ hand feels in his.

Mickey considers this. “Hmm, I think I like Red better.”

Then he punches Ian in the stomach by smirking at him, it’s so dirty Ian needs a shower.

“You can call me whatever the hell you want,” he blurts and his insanity is rewarded with Mickey’s laugh that instantly warms the room.

Mickey takes back his hand and starts to walk to the door, still open and exposing their flirtation.

“Well, I’m exhausted so I’m gonna head back home but I’ll see you around, Red.”

He delivers one final punch when he winks at Ian. The audacity of this man, he thinks as his front door closes. He floats all the way to his couch and plops down on it for a long time replaying that interaction over and over in his head. It isn’t until he’s elbow deep in his first box that he realizes he didn’t ask for Mickeys’ number.

Ian smirks and thinks about asking for it tomorrow morning after his run. He goes back to reading as much as he can about the New York Families and Anthony Parella, wanting to educate himself on them first. He thinks about that life, what it means to be a part of something so crazy and dark. He looks at the pictures from the scene of the Parella murder and grimaces at the execution of this man. He wasn’t much older than Ian, this makes him pause.

Ian knows his life could’ve been just as dark and just as illegal. He thinks about his time with his mom when he was diagnosed at seventeen, he remembers the road trip, he remembers the many men and the ways he had felt numb but alive at the same time. He remembers missing Lip and Fiona but not missing their faces when he couldn’t get out of bed. He had thought, that being away was better for everyone. That is, until he OD’d and he woke up to Fiona yelling at their mom. He remembers watching his mother leave without a word, he remembers Lip taking his hand and murmuring, “Ian, you’ve got this.”

He did, he had it then, he has it now. He thinks of his mom, who he hasn’t seen since then, he thinks of his family who he’s seen almost every day since then. He thinks of Mickey, the routine they have, as small as it is. He thinks of the life he built for himself, the potential that it holds. He smiles.

Ian doesn’t stop smiling for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MY BABIES I JUST LOVE THEM! 
> 
> If you loved this chapter, please let me know :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, here it is, my beloved chapter two! So, as I write this story, I am realizing more and more that my Mickey might just be a bit OOC. I did make him more forward but there is still a lot of fear of being found by Terry. He isn't scared to love Ian, he's just scared of anyone else finding out about them. 
> 
> I'm probably going to mess up my upload schedule, I had originally wanted to upload every Friday but with Christmas landing on a Friday I don't want to accidentally miss an upload! 
> 
> So, I'll probably upload early the week of Christmas and next week because I will be traveling (safely, in the comfort of my own car). Who knows, I might even do a double upload because of how ahead and excited for this story I am!
> 
> This chapter isn't too heavy, but I have the usual show warnings for this fic so please read with caution! I just went ahead and jumped right into the excitement and fluff so the angst later in this fic will really tug at the old heartstrings! 
> 
> Happy Friday everyone! Thank you for clicking and I hope you enjoy!

It’s both hard and easy for Ian to wake up for his morning run. It’s hard because he stayed up too late going over the many case files on the New York Families. He only got halfway through a single file on Tony Parella last night and was impressed with the amount of trouble the twenty-nine-year-old was able to get into. However, it’s easy to get up because he knows he’ll be rewarded with seeing Mickey at the end of it.

He eats and takes his meds then quickly changes his clothes. He contemplates running without a shirt today. Checking the weather, he sees that it’s warmer than yesterday so he decides to be bold. He throws on his shorts and running shoes and is out the door without a second guess.

His run is good. He’s able to sort through what he knows about New York and compare what he knows about the Milkovich family. He thinks about what he’s heard growing up. There’s six siblings and a few cousins. He knows the mother, died when the youngest, Mandy, was only six but even before she died there wasn’t much stability in that house. Terry’s had a horde of prostitutes and escorts coming in and out for years. Ian’s shocked he doesn’t have a hand in pimping already.

By the time he’s slowing down, he feels lighter and less stressed than he did last night. He lets his heart rate calm down before it’s inevitably quickening up again at the sight of Mickey leaving the complex. He waits, stopping to stretch near the gate. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Mickey stop at the sight of Ian. He feels a small victory at the pause.

Mickey shakes his head and keeps walking, quicker than usual. He’s not wearing a gym jacket this morning, in fact, he’s not wearing workout clothes at all. He’s dressed in dark jeans and a black t-shirt. Ian sees the black boots come into his line of sight as he bends to touch his toes.

Ian straightens, throwing a smile in Mickeys’ direction but is disappointed to see that it’s not reciprocated. He barely gets a second glance.

“Red,” Mickey mutters quickly before walking on.

Ian wants to call out but sees a black truck waiting at the end of the block. Mickey gets into it, barely a second later it’s taking off down the road. Confusion bleeds into Ian and he wonders if he did something wrong. Questions float into his mind, instantly clogging it back up and ruining his post-run cleanse. He thinks back to last night, the flirting and the fun that he had felt but now he’s second guessing all of it.

Something may have happened, he thinks. It might not be him. But if it is, what is it? Maybe Ian did imagine the looks and the jokes. Maybe all Mickey was, was the kind and quiet neighbor he’s been the last few months. He can tell that he’s spiraling and he instantly feels instable and exposed outside his complex. He walks back up the stairs and moves quickly into his apartment.

Checking his calendar and he is calmed to see the upcoming appointment he has with his therapist, Doctor Yui. He takes a deep breath, allowing himself to accept his wired energy and thoughts. He already took his meds today, he ate and he ran so this shouldn’t be anything scary to worry about. This could just be anxiety, Ian is predisposed with his bipolar so this isn’t something out of the ordinary.

While it calms his heart, it doesn’t calm his brain from thinking about Mickey. He knows why he’s so disappointed, he’s been imagining what Mickey is really like since he first saw him. Maybe Karen had the right idea calling him, Fabio, Ian thinks. Because everything Ian thought of him, was like some idiotic romance novel version of him. He shakes his head, annoyed with himself and his idealistic brain.

He knows that he has to focus on what he has, not what he doesn’t. He looks around at what he has, his home, his career, his family. No use in destroying it over some figment of his imagination.

* * *

He gets to the station before Karen, he frowns. Karen is always here before him, joking that her social life will be nonexistent until she finds the future Mrs. Karen Jackson. Ian can’t remember her bringing anyone up recently, he then feels like a jackass because maybe she has and he just hasn’t been listening. He groans, maybe he is on a high. He notes the thought in his phone to bring up during his appointment tomorrow.

Karen shuffles in about thirty minutes later, her hair thrown into a ponytail and wearing an outfit that is definitely not hers. Ian gives her a significant look and she purposefully doesn’t return it. She takes her time putting her stuff away and organizing herself. She finishes, Ian is still looking at her. She sinks into her chair.

“Don’t say it,” she murmurs. Her cheeks grow pink and she closes her eyes but Ian can see the excitement in her.

“Whose clothes are those, Jackson?” He teases.

She covers her face in her hands and quietly squeals. Ian laughs and waits for her to finish, when she does she says, “the future Mrs. Karen Jackson.”

Ian laughs louder and feels the guilt ease off his chest. He listens this time as Karen tells him about meeting this girl last night, apparently a bartender on the North Side, who served Karen last night and talked to her until last call. It was then, that they went back to the bartenders’ place and proceeded to not get much sleep.

“You met her for the first-time last night?” He asks, raising an eyebrow.

Karen snorts at him. “You don’t get to judge Mr. I’ve-been-in-love-my-neighbor-for-months,” she giggles until she notices Ian’s sad look. “What happened this morning?”

He tries to wave off her concern but he knows it’s useless. “I think I may have been imagining some things,” he starts and before he loses his cool he finishes with, “I’m talking to Dr. Yui tomorrow about it.”

Karen shuts her mouth and nods. Ian can tell she’s trying not to pity him which he’s grateful for. She doesn’t push him when it comes to his mental health, she’s only there if he asks for it. But he does notice her watching out for him, something he’s come to be appreciative of.

“Well, if it helps, I haven’t noticed anything different about you.”

Ian relaxes into his seat and nods a thanks to her. Their morning continues on with not much else, other than research and updating Harvey and Bowing. Murphy brings them coffee and breakfast, stating that they both look like they need it. He gives Karen a look that matched Ians’ previous one which they laugh at. He looks at Ian next, nodding and patting his shoulder. Not exactly what he wanted, but thankful for none the less.

Ian manages to get further into his files about New York. He sees the Parella family is relatively new, only making their mark after the internet boom. He sees they tend to specialize in trafficking, similar to the Milkovich family. Ian assumes that’s where their connection started, becoming a business arrangement. The Milkovich family is a fence for the Parella family, a mutual and lucrative partnership. Ian wonders what caused it to go sour.

He feels the urgency to solve this case. If the Milkovich family really did kill Parella then that means there’s potential for a war to come to Chicago. A war means casualties, innocent civilians being hurt and maybe even contracted hits. Ian worries his bottom lip and opens another file. He doesn’t want any of that getting here, not only for his family but for the citizens of Chicago he vowed to protect.

“Hey, c’mon, you need to eat before you pass out,” Karen says nudging Ian and nearly knocking him over, proving her point.

They decide to get something To-Go and eat it at the station. Karen jokingly asks to get Italian but Ian ignores her and drives to a Greek restaurant. Once there, they make their way quickly to the cashier and order enough food for Murphy, Harvey and Bowing. Karen grabs something for their Sargent, Sue, and they stand to the side, waiting.

They don’t talk about the case, instead focusing on Karen and her potential new wife. He’s grateful for the distraction, keeping his head in those gruesome files isn’t healthy but he wants to solve this one so bad. Karen is in the middle of telling Ian about this girls’ beautiful eyes when someone else with beautiful eyes walks in. It’s Mickey, and Ian immediately stops listening to Karen. He looks good, still wearing what Ian saw him in this morning, this time he has his Tough Guy Gym jacket on. He hasn’t noticed Ian yet, he walks up to the counter ordering his own food then turning to who he’s with.

It’s a young kid, maybe thirteen. He looks skinny, dirty, and like he hasn’t eaten in days. He nods shyly at Mickeys’ unheard question. Mickey orders something for him, then suddenly a small hand grips his jacket and he looks down. The man smiles and orders something else, he pays quickly then ushers the group over to where Karen and Ian are.

Ian turns quickly, facing away from them and suddenly up in Karens’ space. She stops her story and gives him a look. “Really? I’m telling you about my wife and you suddenly decide to you want a piece of this?” 

Ian barely laughs before he hears a small voice, “dad, can I have a cookie?”

“Yev, your mom will kick my ass if I let you have a cookie,” Mickey speaks softly to the child and Ian feels his heart melt and break at the same time.

Of course, Mickey’s straight. He was right, he had romanticized this poor man and come up with a beautiful picture that he now has to shatter. Ian shakes his head, he just has a nice neighbor. He definitely needs to talk to Yui about this, he really isn’t looking forward to what this means. The small group talks a bit more, the third voice rarely coming in, only to answer the questions that Mickey asks. They’re mostly about his family, his home life. Ian hears Mickey warn the kid about street fighting.

“You won’t do it,” he says simply and without argument. “You have a place at my gym but not if you decide to use what you learn out there. You’ll come every day, get a meal and if you’re good I’ll give you a job cleaning up at the end of the day.”

The kid mumbles back something and Mickey speaks again, “that money is for your family. It’s to help your mom, okay? If I see any signs of drugs, you’re out. I’m not having that at my gym.”

There’s more mumbling then, “look kid, I get it, okay? But at the gym, you’re going to speak up and speak with confidence. No more of this shifty and unsure behavior. If you’re going to learn to fight, you have to be brave. So, do it.”

Ian can’t help but smile when he hears the kid say, “yes coach.” Mickey grunts in approval and Ian realizes that’s just how Mickey communicates. This is the most he’s ever heard Mickey say in a single sitting. He realizes quickly that the Mickey in real life is way better than the romance novel version Ian has in his head. He also realizes how screwed he is, he has a crush on a straight man, and that never ends well. He sneaks a glance and sees a small boy with blonde hair standing next to Mickey, staring longingly at the bakery case. Ian smiles a bit, at first glance he doesn’t look like Mickey but the stubborn look on his face and the tense shoulders definitely remind Ian of his impossible neighbor.

The cashier calls the name for their food and Karen grabs it quickly, grabbing Ian by the shirt and dragging him out of his daze. He doesn’t look back to see if Mickey saw him, but he has a feeling he did since he heard his son say, “dad did you see his hair? He could be the Human Torch!”

Ian smiles but doesn’t look back. Karen tries to interrogate him on the way to the car but all he gives her is a sad shake of his head along with, “I hate falling for straight people.” She drops it at that and their drive back is silent.

* * *

The rest of Ians’ day is uneventful. He grabs a few more boxes to bring home, this time on the Milkovich family. His takeout sits on top of the boxes. He knows this is the rest of his evening, the best Chinese food on this side of Chicago and the thickest arrest files he’s ever seen. He’s almost to the gate when he hears the slide of a skateboard and a loud, “fuck!”

He moves the boxes and sees the same little boy from earlier, Yev, Mickeys’ son laying on the ground with a large, bleeding scrape on his arm. The skateboard lay a few feet away, overturned. The boy sees Ian coming and recognition flares.

“Hey, it’s the Human Torch.”

Ian smirks and sets his boxes down. “You okay?” He asks as he helps the boy off the ground.

He nods but winces at his arm. “Shit,” he says.

Ian can’t help but laugh a little. “Here,” he says digging through his bag for his small first aid kit. “Let me help.”

Yev nods, seeming to trust Ian right away. He’s looking at the boxes on the ground, they’re not labeled for the case, only with a sticker that reads: **PROPERTY OF CPD- CONFIDENTIAL**

He looks impressed then up at Ian, who is taking out an alcohol wipe. “You’re a cop?”

Ian nods and holds up the wipe, Yev looks worriedly at it but nods. Ian begins to clean it gently, hoping to not hurt the boy anymore. It doesn’t take long, it’s revealing to be a smaller wound than originally thought which eases Ian a bit.

“Were you trying a new trick?” He asks, getting a band aid out and placing it over the wound.

Yev nods. “Yeah, it’s the one where you jump and the board flips under you.”

Ian understands, remembering Carl wanting to learn to skateboard and stealing some North side kids’ board from the Mall. He laughs at the memory and tosses the trash and dirty wipe into his bag.

“Alright, well, be careful,” he says picking up his boxes and moving to open the gate. He’s halfway up the path when Yev calls out again, stopping him. He turns, Yev is holding his board now and looking at Ian with big, blue eyes that look remarkably like Mickeys’.

“What’s your name?”

“Ian,” he says then smiles. “But you can call me Human Torch if you like.”

Yev smiles really wide and Ian sees a missing front tooth and thinks of Carl again. He turns and continues walking up to his apartment. He’s thinking of calling his brother when he gets inside to check up, see how college is going, when he sees a curtain move inside Mickeys’ apartment. Ian stops, considering it then shakes his head and moves to his own door. Time to move on, he thinks.

* * *

He’s neck deep in files, having scattered them on his coffee table, when there’s a knock at his door. He looks at the time and sees that it’s 9:30. He gets up slowly, moving to the door and grabbing his gun where he keeps it sitting on an end table near the entrance. The person knocks again, this time a bit more impatiently and Ian looks out his peephole. It’s Mickey. Ian once again, feels like an idiot and puts the gun in his waistband behind his back.

He opens the door to see Mickey shifting uncomfortably. Ian raises an eyebrow, trying to come off easy and not like his heart is beating stupidly fast. Damn crush.

“What’s up?” He asks when Mickey doesn’t say anything after a minute.

Mickey swallows. “Thank you, for helping Yev today.”

Ian is surprised to see how uncomfortable Mickey looks. He doesn’t know what to say, he’s confused by the man in front of him. What else was he supposed to do? What did Mickey think Ian would do?

Mickey takes Ians’ silence and gets agitated. “C’mon man, I know you saw us at the Greek place today.”

Ians’ cheeks heat and he looks down. Mickey continues on, “Yev just turned 8 a few months ago, his mom got him that skateboard and ever since then he’s been throwing himself around with that thing. Anyway, it scares me half to death but he loves it so I don’t want to discourage him. I think if I had to patch him up today I would’ve done just that, so, again thank you for helping him.”

He takes a breath like the admission just exhausted him. Ian can’t help but gawk, he’s shocked at the Mickey he saw earlier today and the one he’s seeing right now. They’re so similar to each other but so different to the one he’s been seeing for the past few months.

“Damn you talk a lot.” He’s an idiot. Of course, that’s the first thing he says to this man. Great job Ian, he thinks as he internally groans.

Mickey scoffs (was that a laugh?) and shakes his head. “Fuck off man, can you just accept my thanks for fixing my kid?”

Ian decides to take pity on him. “Of course, I had a first aid kit with me, I figured it’d be an easy patch.”

Mickey nods but then asks, “you always carry one around?”

Ian snorts, thinking of Carl again, and nods. “Yeah, my little brother was an accident magnet so having one on hand was a must when he was growing up.”

Mickey looks toward his own door and shakes his head. “Damn kid might as well be one now. Fucking always trying one new death defying trick after the other. Kid’s gonna send his own dad to an early grave.”

Ian laughs quietly. “Isn’t that what kids are supposed to do?”

Mickey gets a faraway look in his eyes and snorts, it’s bitter one this time though and mutters under his breath. Ian thinks it sounds a lot like, “I fuckin’ wish” and Ian can’t help but agree with him.

He clears his throat and asks a question he’s been thinking all day. “I haven’t seen him around here before,” he trails off not sure how to ask what he really wants to know.

Mickey seems to understand because he nods. “He lives with his mom outside the city most of the time. I get him a week each month and every other weekend. I usually take him somewhere but I’ve been really busy with work.” He gets the same faraway look in his eyes but quickly shakes it off.

Now, Ian doesn’t know what to say. He’s standing there, listening to this man talk about his son and his sons’ mother and Ian isn’t an idiot, he knows how babies are made. He knows what Mickey and Yevs’ mother did to make him but he also wants to be right about the Mickey standing here, who seems to be continuing the conversation. He could leave, the reason Mickey came here is done, but he’s still standing in front of Ian shifting his feet.

“He’s a good kid,” he offers lamely. “He called me the Human Torch.”

Mickey smiles, “fuckin’ dork.” He says, meaning his son. He looks back to his door again and Ian takes that as a sign.

“I can let you go-”

“So, I should totally thank you for Yev today,” Mickey interrupts, speaking quickly.

Ian used to be cool, he used to pick up on things quicker than this. He’s an idiot when he says, “you already did?” He asks like a question, along with a confusing tilt to his head.

Mickey looks like he wants to strangle Ian as he grits out, “yes but I can do more. Maybe buy you dinner?”

Ian gapes, finally really looking at Mickey and studying the man standing in front of him. He sees the nerves, the shifting and the red cheeks and suddenly realizes what he’s asking of Ian. Was he right? Was yesterday real? Did Ian actually see signs of flirtation from the other man?

He wants nothing more than to agree to Mickeys’ offer, he wants to grab him and pull him into his apartment. He wants to show him exactly how Mickey can thank him. He doesn’t though, he stands and opens and shuts his mouth like a fish gasping for air.

“Come the fuck on man, I know I’m not grasping at straws here.”

Ian shakes his head, “nope definitely not,” he croaks out.

Mickey seems to get impatient and decides for him. “Great, Yev is staying with my sister tomorrow, so we’ll do it then.”

Ian nods and is stunned when Mickey smirks, the same one that he saw yesterday. He wants to kiss it off of Mickeys’ face but can’t move from his position, still leaning against his door.

Mickey begins to walk away, towards his own apartment. He calls over his shoulder, “it’s a one-time thing, Red.” He gets to his door and turns one more look at Ian, still smirking. “So, make it great.”

With that, he shuts his door. Ian does the same, floating past his files and straight into a shower where he takes the longest one that freezes his bones. Once he’s thinking straight (sort of) he thinks over the conversation and imagines what tomorrow will bring.

His dreams are nothing but good that night, and he has to take another cold shower in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Make it great" Damn Mickey give our boy a heart attack why don't ya? 
> 
> Loving these two right now and loving how easy it is for me to write them. Especially when all they want to do is love each other and be together! Well, I hope you enjoyed, please leave me any smashed keyboards or heart eyes if you see fit! 
> 
> Ya girl is feeling super excited today so I'm thinking about posting another chapter, if not today then be on the lookout tomorrow!!! ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so surprsie! I was feeling super excited about the responses and love that I've been getting and I decided to post chapter three!
> 
> The formatting got weird here, not sure why some of it indents and other parts don't... if anyone knows why send me a comment and let me know how to have it indent all the time! Is it me? I copy and paste from Word so is it that? 
> 
> Anyway, there's some heavy themes in this chapter. It talks a lot about Ians' journey with his bipolar so please read at your own risk. His back story is a bit different here, but I did try and keep it similar as to not complicate it more than necessary. There is hints of smut, it definitely happens I just didn't expand on it! That might happen later ;) 
> 
> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoy chapter three!

Ians’ day passes quickly. That morning he saw Mickey and Yev as he came back from his run. Yev told Ian that he got the trick down and he nodded along encouragingly but couldn’t really pay attention because of the man standing behind Yev. Mickey smirked at him and gave a look that made Ian a very impatient man the rest of the day.

His appointment with Dr. Yui goes well. He tells him about Mickey, his struggles the last few days and what is coming that night. He doesn’t go into too much detail but enough for an understanding. His therapist nods, Ian could tell that he was worried when he first brought up his fears about being manic and he hopes that he eased the mans’ mind. 

Dr. Yui leans forward, sitting in his comfortable chair while Ian sits on the couch across from him. “Ian, I know you’re excited about this date tonight, but I would also be very proud of how self-aware you were this week.”

Ian pauses, surprised that he didn’t think of that earlier in the week. He was so focused on the possibility of being manic that he didn’t stop to think of his own growth. Then he thinks of Mickey and wonders if he’s grown all that much at all. He keeps thinking of Mickey saying that tonight will be a one-time thing, and he hates it. He’s able to have one night stands, sure. But only when he’s actively looking for that and he hasn’t in a long time. Mickey isn’t a one-time thing in his mind at all. He’s the exact opposite, especially after listening to him talk about Yev and watching him with the younger boy.

Ian is so attracted to him it scares him, he wants tonight to be great but he also wants something the next the morning. It isn’t fair of him, he knows this. He can’t put this on the other man, when he’s been clear about his intentions. But does that mean that Ian can do this? Is it better to call it off to save them both some annoyance? They can keep up their neighborly relationship and Ian can just wank it in the shower like any other man.

Dr. Yui sees Ians’ hesitation. “You’re worried about tonight?”

Ian only nods and waits for his therapist to say something groundbreaking.

“Do you think this will be similar to when you were seventeen?” He’s talking about his road trip with Monica. He lost count of how many men he traded his body for, how many mouths, how many hands, how many bruises he got. But at least Monica could get high, at least they got from point A to point B, at least Ian couldn’t feel any of it. He hated that numbness and doesn’t want it to come back. Especially not with Mickey.

He nods, feeling suddenly very small and very much like the first time he sat across from Dr. Yui when he told him everything. That’s the first time he ever told anyone how much he hated those few months with his mom, how little he felt, both in size and emotionally.

It was also the first time he ever said how much he wanted more. How he craved love, the love he thought he would get from his mom, the one he knew Frank and Monica thought they had. Ian wants to get married and have kids eventually, with the right person. That’s why Ian doesn’t hook up a lot anymore because he wants more than to feel like a mouth. He wants to be a person to someone, to be _their_ person.

He wants tonight with Mickey, but he’s terrified of what will happen when they finally are together. He’s terrified of what his heart will feel, he’s terrified that it will be starkly different than what his brain is telling him.

“Ian, you know that you are worth more than what your body can give, right?”

Sometimes, Ian thinks. He doesn’t say this, instead he just nods. He has to believe this, today of all days, he has to believe this.

Dr. Yui pauses, considering something but quickly moving on. “I won’t tell you what to do. You of all people, know that you have to be the one to make the choice. Tonight, Ian, is a choice. All I can do, is tell you that you are not the same seventeen-year-old kid who walked into my office eight years ago. You have grown more than I think, even you could have imagined back then. You made that choice, Ian, that was the hardest one yet. You did that, I know that you can do this as well.”

He doesn’t specify what _this_ is. Ian’s pretty sure that’s his job, to decide what to do about Mickey, about tonight. But Dr. Yui is right, the decision to get better was the hardest thing Ian has ever done. He rejected his diagnosis the minute he had his first manic episode. His siblings pushed, the only thing they knew how to do, and it only drove him further away. The decision had to be his, he knew in that moment. Watching his mother crying, watching Lip sit stoically next to him, holding his hand, he knew the next decision he made had to be his.

And it was.

It was hard, he checked himself in to a facility, with the help of his siblings plus Kev and V who helped pay for it. He stayed for three months, after getting stable on his meds and meeting Dr. Yui.

Everything from then on has been his decision, finishing high school, joining the force, moving out and starting on his own. All of those were him, they were all the right decision. Ian was just terrified, that tonight, he wouldn’t make the right one.

* * *

He got home after therapy with a new box of files and a note taped to his door. It was simple, clearly from Mickey, as it read: **I’ll be over at 9. –M**

Ian swallows and takes it off his door. He goes inside and sees that it’s only six, he has time. He picks up all the files and puts it on his desk that sits behind his couch and faces the TV. His apartment is small but he likes it. It’s a shotgun style, so the first room is the living room, the second being the kitchen, then his bedroom and bathroom all the way in the back. His room is small, he managed to fit a queen bed in the corner of the room with a dresser as a nightstand. Then to the right is his bathroom, small. A sink, a toilet, and a tub shower. He makes sure it’s clean, bed made and no obvious dirty laundry out.

His kitchen, a simple galley kitchen, is clean since he’s pretty compulsive when it comes to his dishes. There’s food and waters in the fridge, no beer. He thinks for a moment if he should go buy some but he doesn’t want to have them here if the night goes poorly. He doesn’t drink with his meds, but if tonight turns to shit then he just might start again.

His living room is his favorite room, he spends the most time, working, watching TV. He bought his couch off craigslist, along with almost every other piece of furniture he owns. The desk is Karen’s old one from high school, in fact, in one of the drawers is a message that is his brothers’ name with a heart around it marked in sharpie. He laughs when he sees it so he hasn’t gotten rid of it yet.

This is the home he’s built for himself. He loves it, he’s proud of it. It’s his life now, everything here represents his life. He really hopes he doesn’t burn it all down tonight.

* * *

Mickey shows up at 9:15 with food and beer. He brought pizza which Ian doesn’t know if he’ll be able to stomach. He’s wearing dark jeans and a blue t-shirt that brings out his eyes and Ian wants to devour him right then and there.

He doesn’t. He invites him in and they set up on the couch. Ian grabs plates and napkins, two waters and a bottle opener for Mickey.

“You want one?” Mickey asks opening his beer.

Ian shakes his head. “No thanks, I don’t drink.”

Mickey stops the bottle in midair. “Oh shit, seriously?”

Ian nods. “Yeah, but feel free, if you don’t mind I’ll stick to water.”

“Do whatever you want, man.”

They eat in silence a bit, it’s not awkward but it’s not exactly comfortable either. Well, for Ian it isn’t. He knows he has to bring it up to Mickey. He knows if he doesn’t and tonight happens the way he knows it will, then he’s not only going to screw himself but he’s also going to screw up Mickey.

Mickey is a smart man because he finishes his two pieces of pizza and sees Ian barely through his first one and can tell that something is wrong. He turns slightly to face the ginger on the couch and raises and eyebrow at him.

“Alright, what’s wrong with you?”

Not for the first time, Ian flounders with what to say. There’s so many responses he can give, _I don’t want to screw this up. You terrify me. I’m in over my head. I’m not just a mouth._ Instead he blurts out, “how much time do you have?”

Mickey is quiet for a minute before his face screws up and he lets out a loud, bark of a laugh. It’s a beautiful sound and Ian thinks he looks so at ease and relaxed that he can’t help but smile with him. It takes a bit for him to calm down, but he does and he gives Ian a fond look.

“Damn Red,” he chuckles. His laugh fades off when he sees the look Ian is giving him. He clears his throat and searches his face a bit more. “But seriously, you’re being weird.”

Ian nods, he knows this is it. Before he can open his mouth, Mickey curses, Ian snaps his head up and looks at the other man. Now he seems unsure, not looking at Ian but at his shoes instead. “Did I- am I pressuring you too much?”

He sees the fear in Mickey and wants to smother it right away. He didn’t, he didn’t pressure him at all. Ian wants this so bad that he feels like his skin is on fire, lighting up in the presence of this man next to him. From here, he can see his hands up close, seeing the telltale signs of fighters’ hands. He wants those hands on him, he wants to feel them on his skin, on his face, in his hair. But also wants to wake up holding those hands, he wants to reach for them in the bed, squeeze and continue to feel Mickeys’ body in bed with him.

He wants tonight, but he wants tomorrow, he wants the possibility of next week and on.

“You didn’t,” he says first. He sees Mickey relax but he looks at Ian and his eyes beg him to continue. “But I have to be honest with you.”

The other man nods and sits back, waiting and open for Ian. So, he goes on, he doesn’t tell him about his past, what he’s done, who he’s done. He doesn’t tell him that he’s bipolar, he doesn’t tell him that he spoke to his therapist for an hour about him. He doesn’t even tell him that he wants to be all gooey and disgusting with him.

“I’m not just a warm mouth,” he says quietly. He can tell this confuses Mickey, so he continues on. “I’ve been one and I can’t do it again,” he lets out and moves on quickly. “I don’t do easy very well, I don’t do no-strings very well.” He finishes and waits for Mickeys’ reaction. One that Ian assumes will be the man leaving with a string of curses to follow.

Mickey doesn’t but he does sit up and run a hand through his hair. “Well that certainly puts a damper on tonight,” he jokes but it falls flat.

Ian deflates anyway, and sits back. He can’t look at Mickey when he says, “I had to be honest with you. I know you said it’s a one-time thing, I respect that, but I can’t promise that I’m okay with it.”

Mickey nods and sits back as well. They’re both quiet and Ian knows that whatever fantasies either men had are now crushed. The only thing happening tonight is maybe a cold shower and a rock to the head for Ian.

He considers asking Mickey for a beer, he almost does but decides against it. No fires, not tonight. He’s about to make an excuse so the other man can leave without much drama when Mickey turns to him on the couch, much closer than he had been before.

Ian can smell his cologne and he has to stop before he shoves his face into the mans’ neck and inhales every bit of scent.

“Well if tonight is good then you won’t have to,” Mickey says. There’s a mischievous glint in his eyes that Ian swears he falls for right then and there. The other man smirks and grabs the back of Ians’ neck, pulling him in and kissing him quickly.

It’s corny, he knows, but there are fireworks everywhere. Ian grabs Mickeys’ sides and rubs them up and down. He slips one under his shirt and feels like the skin of his back, there are scars, which makes Ian want to pause but Mickey breaks the kiss and stands.

He’s worried that he’s just ruined this but Mickey grabs his hand in his and motions down the hall to the bedroom. Ian stands quickly, feeling more confident and takes Mickeys’ face in his hands. Walking them backwards while kissing is harder than Ian thought it would be. So, in true Ian fashion, he runs them right into his desk, spilling everything onto the floor.

They break the kiss and see all the boxes overturned and a mess spanning both his desk and the floor surrounding it. Mickey laughs and tucks his face in Ians’ neck, he begins leaving lingering kisses as Ian grumbles.

“You’re a menace,” he says, losing the battle and his breath at the same time.

Mickey snorts, and Ian finds it incredibly attractive. “Your own fault, Red.”

He lifts his head and meets Ian halfway in another kiss. This one takes them all the way back to the bedroom, where Ian gently pushes Mickey onto the bed. They look at each other quietly, both breathing hard but both with open expressions. Ian shakes his head, smiling then he kicks his door shut. Shutting out the rest of the world, leaving himself to enjoy the man below him.

The rest of the night is spent in between sheets, sharing each other’s warmth, swallowing noises in their kisses, fisting their hands in hair before linking them together on the bed. It’s not soft, but it’s not quick. They take their time, relishing in the way their bodies slide together, how they feel together. Ian thinks, it feels like coming home. He hadn’t even realized that he wasn’t already there.

When they finish, they lay together, Ian on top of Mickey. Laying on the other mans’ sweaty chest, he feels a hand in his hair. He remembers their linked hands near Mickeys’ head but neither make a move to detangle them. They breath together again, it’s not late and they’ll go again, once they’re both ready.

Ian feels happy, sated and at peace with his decision. It’s not how he thought the night would turn out. He assumed he would be left alone, because he felt like he was asking too much from Mickey, from himself. Yes, they still need to talk, Ian wants to know more about the raven-haired man underneath him. But he also wants to see where this goes without prompt, like a river formed naturally. Where it goes, Ian doesn’t know, but he’s more than willing to find out.

* * *

He wakes up alone. He’s on his side, next to the wall and while the bed looks slept in, it’s cold. Mickey hasn’t been in for a while. He strains his ears and prays that he hears the other man piddling around his apartment.

He doesn’t.

He remembers falling asleep last night, after one of the many rounds, Ian threw his arm around Mickey and pulled him close, breathing in behind the other mans’ ear and settling there for the night. He remembers feeling Mickey laugh and easily relaxing in Ians’ arms. They fell asleep quickly, it was a dreamless sleep for Ian. The first in a long time, easily since his last meds switch which always put him into a zombie-like sleep.

He turns over onto his back and stares at the ceiling. He knows he has to get up and go to work. But all he can do is think back to the night before. He thinks about Mickey, the way he felt, the noises he made, the way he said his name at the end. It was better than any fantasy, it feels like a dream now, with him laying amidst cold sheets. He wishes this one lingered like the others did.

Ian gets up, pulling on his boxers and walking out to the kitchen. He takes his morning medicine and shoves a piece of bread into his mouth so he doesn’t vomit in the next 45 minutes. He stumbles into the living room. He sees that the pizza is still out, box left open. He notes that the beer is gone, and he can’t decide if he should be grateful or annoyed that, that’s the one thing Mickey decided to take with him.

He looks at his desk and sees that it’s not as much of a mess as they left it. Granted, there are still files on the ground but some found their way to be in small piles on his desk. He should worry, no one outside the unit should have access to these files. But he can’t get past the fact that Mickey started to clean before ultimately bailing.

He investigates further, looking at the file on top. It’s upside down, clearly had been dropped there and left without a second glance. He looks at the name on the side, **Milkovich, M.** He assumes it’s Mandys’ file and turns it over. But it’s not. It’s not Mandy’s file, no this is a male Milkovich. The picture stares back at him, looking so different than how he looked up at Ian last night.

Mickeys’ face stares at him through the picture that is clearly a mugshot. Ians’ heart stops and his hands begin to shake as he further investigates the file. He’s the youngest son of Terry Milkovich, not a big player in the family but it’s clear that his gym is connected. The notes state that Mickey uses the gym to train the younger soldiers in the family and those affiliated.

Ian thinks about the kid Mickey was with yesterday at the restaurant. Oh God, was he a recruit? Was what Mickey told him all crap? Is that kid about to become a player in a game that will ultimately get him killed? Ian drops the file and begins to pace his living room. He thinks about everything he knows about Mickey, which isn’t much at all. They didn’t talk much yesterday. The tightness in his stomach intensifies and he groans out loud.

Ian thinks about Yev, the cute boy who probably has no idea what his dad actually does. He thinks about the truck he saw Mickey getting into the other morning. Was Terry driving? Were they concerned about New York?

Oh shit, Ian thinks.

He looks at the Parella case file sitting on the desk and thinks about the morning Tony Parella was murdered, the same morning Mickey spoke to Ian for the first time. Had Mickey been there? Had he seen what was clearly not just a murder but a torture as well? Then, the final straw that made Ian run to his bathroom and empty everything he had in his stomach, was it Mickey who pulled the trigger?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It couldn't all be smooth sailing, now could it? I'll post two chapters next week, since they're both shorter! After the holidays I'll be back to a more normalized schedule but for now, enjoy my erratic posting behavior!
> 
> If you liked it, leave me some words, if you loved it, kudos it, if you hated it, bookmark it! ;) jk, but I do love the feedback so whatever you can give is great! 
> 
> LOVE YOU ALL!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is later than I said but here is chapter four! I wonder how our boys will deal with their newly discovered information?? 
> 
> Anyway, one day I will figure out this weird formatting situation!!!! I hope it reads okay, it looked fine in the preview but I don't know how this translates on y'alls phone or laptop! 
> 
> Thank you guys so much for reading, you guys keep me going and I really hope you love what I have created!

Ians’ day sucks. He feels nauseas the whole day, he can’t focus on the case because that means thinking of Mickey which in turn makes Ian think about how he slept with a key suspect in the most important case of his career. 

After Ian cleaned up all his files in his apartment, he started rethinking every interaction he’s had with Mickey. He knows Ian’s a cop, but how long has he known? Has he been watching Ian? Was the flirtation all a lie? Just a way to get Ian to trust him so he could bring Ian in to work for his father? Is he even attracted to men? He took Ians’ confession the previous night easily, would he have accepted anything? Anything, to make Ian trust him? To make Ian want him? To fall in love with him? His mind is full of questions and no answers. He wants to call Yui but there’s no time, he has to go to work and deal with this new knowledge he now has. To make matters worse, today the whole unit is debriefing, coming together to talk about what they’ve learned. 

Karen’s practically jumping out of her seat, she was face down in her files when he came into work and thankfully hasn’t asked about his date with Mickey last night. He’s even more thankful that she hasn’t put two and two together. Maybe Mickey is a more common name than he thought. 

Murphy calls them in and they see that Forester is already sitting along with Harvey and Bowing. They all sit and start right away. Ian doesn’t say anything really, only chiming in with his information about Terry and some of the older siblings, safe territory Ian considers. 

It’s Murphy who takes point on the Milkovich background, he stands at the board, putting up pictures of every member ranking them down the line. Ian wishes that he feels better at seeing Mickey down toward the bottom but all it does is hurt to look at. 

“Alright, starting at the top, we have Terry Milkovich,” he points to mugshot of Terry. It’s recent, he looks particularly murderous in that one. “He’s started the whole ring, started small, mostly dealing small time drugs, barely enough to make a splash. Then his brother, Ronnie,” he points to a picture right under Terry, “moved south, started a farm and started shipping the shit up here.” 

Ronnie Milkovich looks a lot like his brother, but with less tattoos and more grey hair. He hasn’t been seen in Chicago in years, not after setting up a large farm with enough acreage to hide a million-dollar drug business. Thanks to police on his payroll, middlemen to take the fall and properly timed shipments, Ronnie has never been caught red-handed. Sure, he’s been questioned, but never said anything and always released within a few hours. He’s the main reason why the Milkovich family has stayed afloat all these years and has only grown. Well, that and Terry Milkovich killing anyone who gets in his way. 

Murphy moves on to three pictures, side by side, Jamie, Joey and Colin Milkovich are some of the ugliest people Ian has ever seen and he wonders how any of them could ever be related to Mickey.

“These three are like the Capos. They make sure everything runs smooth on the streets, they make sure everything gets done and they handle any small problems that might arise,” he moves on below them and Ian sees his hand getting closer and closer to the bottom where Mickey and Mandy sit. The closer he gets the sicker he feels. 

“Here we have Iggy Milkovich, currently serving eight years for aggravated assault.” Murphy rolls his shoulders back and Ian knows it’s because Murphy was the one to make the arrest. Everyone knew the story, Ian hadn’t even been a cop yet, but he heard it filter around the neighborhood then again when he met Murphy five years ago. 

Apparently, Iggy had brutally beaten a woman nearly to death. She wouldn’t testify, she wouldn’t even say how she knew him. She went to the hospital and then left before Murphy could really question her. She’s been missing ever since, some say that she was killed by Terry for even going to the hospital but Ian thinks she just ran. Terry’s reach doesn’t reach further than Ronnie’s farm, or so he thought until Tony Parellas’ murder. 

Murphy’s case went out the window, that is until a few months later when Iggy beat up another guy who couldn’t pay his debts. Iggy thought he had killed him, which is what he admitted to Murphy when he arrested him, no trial necessary. Although it was considered a victory, Murphy hates that he couldn’t get more years out of him. 

“He’ll be released soon, he didn’t hit Parella but he’s going to need a tail and a bug as soon as we know where he lands,” Murphy finishes. 

“Do we know when he’s getting out?” Harvey asks, diligently taking notes on a pad. 

“Parole hearing is in two weeks, should know more then,” Murphy says. He turns back, looking at the board. 

Ian swallows and sits straighter in his seat as Murphy talks about Mickey and Mandy. “This is Mickey and Mandy, they’re low on the hierarchy, Terry doesn’t trust them to run much of anything. They have a different mother than the rest of their siblings. She died almost twenty years ago, their records show classic signs of abuse victims. Mandy, bartends up in the North side but is suspected of also trafficking young women for Terry’s prostitution business.” 

“Prostitution?” Karen croaks out and Ian turns to look at her. She looks as stunned as Ian feels, he had no idea that the Milkovich family had started to traffic people. Forester looks grim, but not surprised so this must be new. 

“Yeah, it’s relatively new, we think it started around two years ago,” the Captain fills in. 

Karen nods and looks down at her files. 

“What about the other son? What does he do?” Bowing asks. 

“Mikhailo Alexsandr Milkovich, twenty-six years old, owns Tough Guy Boxing Gym a few blocks over. Nothing too serious on his record, seems to be rolling relatively clean for the last nine years or so,” Murphy looks over his notes. 

Ian isn’t surprised by that, Yev is eight, it would make sense that Mickey was at least attempting to stay clean for him. This only warms his heart and he wants to grab it out of his chest and throw it across the room. There is no room for his feelings at work. He takes out a hammer and starts smashing them down, going at ‘em like a whack-a-mole game. 

“That being said, multiple members of the gym are said to be Terrys’ soldiers, low level guys that work for either Jamie, Joey or Colin. It hasn’t been confirmed, obviously, but it’s also suspected that Terry stores product in the gym basement.” 

“Raids?” Harvey cuts in. 

Murphy just shakes his head. If Terry can protect a farm, two hours away then he can easily protect a gym in his own backyard. “This guy is a monster, Terry Milkovich has been suspected in multiple murders and assaults. He’s racist towards any person of color, has been known and quoted to,” he puts up his fingers to quote, “’fag bash’ guys, he isn’t someone to mess with. He’s heavily protected by his oldest sons and feared by his youngest two kids. It’s going to take some serious power to pull this guy off his throne.” 

Ian thinks about a young Mickey growing up with Terry for a father. Sure, he grew up with Frank as a father and Monica certainly isn’t winning any parenting awards, but at least they never hit their kids. They were absent, drunk, high, but they tended to leave the kids alone unless they had money or drugs. Terry was known to bust into his kids’ rooms and start hitting them all because he thought they were sleeping too loud. Ian stops, wondering if any of the rumors he heard growing up, about Terry and his abuse, were about Mickey. 

He feels sick again but for different reasons. 

Murphy doesn’t say anything else, sitting down so Harvey can stand at their board and go through the hierarchy of the Parella family. Ian sees that Yev isn’t listed as kin in Mickeys’ file. He must have the mothers’ last name, Ian thinks. He wonders if Terry knows about the kid, he has to. There’s no way Mickey would be able to hide him and his mother from that monster. But he hopes, he hopes Yev is safe from his psychotic grandpa. That kid is good and he doesn’t deserve to grow up knowing who Terry Milkovich is. 

The rest of the meeting goes on and Ian forces himself to look like he’s paying attention and not casting glances at Mickeys’ picture in the corner. The picture is old, from the last time Mickey did time for assaulting a police officer. He got two years but let out in one due to overcrowding. Mugshot Mickey looks dirty, with a beard growing in just as dark as the hair on his head. Ian can’t help but marvel at how different the two versions of Mickey that he knows. They feel like two separate people. One, angry growing up in a hostile and toxic home and raised to take everything and to never apologize for it. For Mickey, growing up with an attraction to men and under the   
scrutiny of Terry must’ve nearly killed him. 

The team goes back and for the for the next few minutes, thinking of possible leads. Ian isn’t really listening, more just counting the minutes until he can fake a stomach flu and go home early. It isn’t until Bowing starts talking about Mickey that he pays attention. 

“Could we flip him?” 

Ian pauses, knowing that logically, Mickey is the perfect person to flip. Him or Mandy, who have grown up in the chaos but have hands clean enough. They’re perfect for a jury to believe and wouldn’t serve any jail time. They would be put into Witness Protection before and after their trial but they would be free. Ian knows that if Mickey agreed, he would be safe, Yev would be safe. But then he thinks of the brutal murder of Tony Parella and wants to scratch the whole idea. He really wants to tell these FBI agents to go fuck themselves. 

He isn’t thinking when he blurts, “don’t you remember what happened to your last flip?”

The room goes deadly quiet. Even Karen, who’s been just as quiet as Ian gasps, Forester looks ready to rip him a new one. Harvey and Bowing look ready to tag team Ian when Murphy quietly says, “Gallagher, outside now.” 

He stands without looking back and Ian follows. He leaves his files, not wanting to pause to pick them up even though he knows he won’t be coming back into the meeting.   
Murphy is outside waiting for him and he walks with Ian to his office, shutting the door behind him he motions for Ian to sit down. Murphy stands, well, more like paces in front of him. 

“Are you trying to kill your entire career in the CPD?” He asks, finally looking at Ian. “Because that is how you do it, kid!” 

Ian says nothing, only looking at his shoes. He’s a little relieved to finally be out of that room, filled with Mickeys’ past that he feels wrong to be exposed to without permission. 

“Ian,” Murphy says softly coming to sit in the chair next to him. “What is going on, man?” 

This is it, Ian thinks. He could tell Murphy everything, tell him how he knows Mickey, that he’s had a crush on him for months, that he’s met his son, that his crush has turned into something more, that he slept with him. But when he looks at Murphy and sees his light eyes, he’s reminded of Mickey and knows then that he can’t tell him any of it. At least, he can’t do it right now. Ian wants an explanation first. 

He looks at Murphy a bit more before saying, “I’m sorry. I didn’t sleep very much last night and I forgot to eat this morning when I took my meds. My stomach hasn’t felt good all day.” 

Murphy pauses, searching Ians’ face before he accepts it. He pats Ian on the shoulder and sends him home early. Ian gathers his bag quickly, getting on the L and sitting in the corner with his head on the glass. He’s never been home this early, he wonders if he’ll see Mickey. God, what is he going to do when he does see him? Part of him wants to scream and yell at him for leaving and for lying to him. But the other part, the sadly bigger part of him, wants to grab him and pull him into his apartment, locking the door and shutting out the rest of the world. He wants an explanation, he wants to know if Mickey meant anything he’s said to Ian the previous day. Not just before or during sex, but after. 

After, when Mickey was soft and pliant and laughed easily at Ians’ stupid jokes and let him run his hands up and down his body. The Mickey that kissed Ian on the head when they were quiet and listening to each other breathe. They spoke, they talked about Yev, how Mickey was slowly learning to cook. He told Ian his latest challenge was roasted chicken and vegetables, he laughed at the stories Mickey told about the multiple uses of his fire extinguisher and how many chickens he’s thrown away the last two weeks. 

Ian told him about his family, about growing up with five other siblings. He told him about Fiona being the stability they needed and how she was a successful business owner now. He told him how excited he was to be an uncle to Lips’ kid. He talked about Carl and Debbie, both in college and both succeeding. He talked about Liam who still lived with Fiona and was acing all of his classes and there was talks of him skipping another grade. If so, he would start high school next year instead of the eighth grade. 

Ian felt safe, talking about them with Mickey, he felt safe because Mickey had also shared. Now, he felt like an idiot. He told a member of a crime family every precious detail about his siblings, the people he cares most about in this world. He’s exposed every part of himself, ready to be flayed open and dissected. He can feel his breathing quicken and his heart rate speed up. His palms begin to shake and his chest begins to hurt, he gets off at the next stop. 

He rushes down the stairs and he runs the rest of the way home. That ended up being about three miles but Ian doesn’t care. He rushes up the stairs without glancing once at the door next to his. He unlocks his door then slams it shut. Throwing his bag on the couch he rushes to the shower, jumping in and turning on the cold water he slides to the floor.

Sitting there in all of his clothes, shoes and all, he lets the water beat down around him. The water shocks him and forces him to take big breaths. The shaking stops, but he makes no move to leave the shower. It’s not until goosebumps rise on his arm and a shiver runs through his body does he stand. 

He leaves his wet clothes on the floor of his bathroom and changes into a new pair of boxers and a t-shirt. Ian crawls into his bed, grabbing the pillow that smells like Mickey and throwing it out of the room. He turns to face the wall and falls asleep, not nearly as comforting as the one from the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Ian! :( Reading this, I realize how anxious I made him and how much I drew from personal experiences! 
> 
> Stay tuned.... part five will be here in literal seconds!!!! 
> 
> Leave me some keyboard smashes and emojis if you're feeling in the mood ;)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmmm, I wonder who's knocking at the door??? 
> 
> Please enjoy some (sort of?) angst and pining from both sides!!! Some of y'all were wondering about Mickey and how "in" he is with his family. I hope this gives some more insight, more will be learned as we progress!

Ian wakes to a pounding on his door. He rolls over at the sound and checks the watch on his wrist, it’s late. After he took a two-hour nap he got up and deep cleaned his apartment. After, he ate something, took his evening meds and fell back asleep. 

It’s midnight, he had been asleep for four hours but it feels like it was only five minutes. The pounding continues and he stumbles down the hallway and to his front door. He’s reminded of the nights when Lip would come to Ian wasted, with vomit plastered to his shirt, asking Ian for a place to crash. He’s really hoping this isn’t Lip. 

Who it is, he wasn’t expecting. It’s Mickey, in the worst shape he’s ever seen him in. One of his eyes is on its way to being swollen shut and a large gash on his forehead that’s bleeding like a busted pipe. Ian is sure there’s more under his clothes because he can’t even stand by himself. He’s being propped up by someone, who Ian recognizes as his sister, Mandy. 

Mandy, who looks frazzled is staring at Ian and talking a mile a minute. She’s looking at him in confusion and Ian realizes that she’s asked him a question.

He shakes himself awake. “Sorry, what?” 

Mandy grits her teeth, “Mick said you could help, are you a doctor?”   
Ian looks at Mickey in bewilderment who gives him a shrug, or at least that’s what he assumes the twitch the other man releases it supposed to be. “Sorry for the late hour, Red.” 

The nickname shoots through Ian and makes the decision for him. He opens the door wider and motions for Mandy to set her brother on the couch. He watches at Mickey winces and bites out a curse, glaring at his sister. She looks a little apologetic but then starts yelling at him which Ian doesn’t think is going to help. He goes and grabs his larger first aid kit from underneath the sink in the kitchen. He can still hear Mandy, “why did you pick a fight, Mick? You know how he feels about you! Why would you be so stupid?” 

Ian assumes she’s talking about Terry and he has to stop his hands from shaking in anger. He hears her go quiet and moves quickly back to the living room to make sure she hasn’t killed Mickey. 

Nope, he thinks as he walks in to see Mandy staring at his badge and gun by the door. She looks at Ian as he walks in and suddenly looks murderous. 

“He’s a fucking pig?” She rounds on Mickey, who rolls his one working eye. 

“He’s fine, Mands, please sit down. You’re giving me a fucking headache.” 

“Mickey, he’s a cop! Does he know who you are?” She demands. Ian sees her glance at his gun then back at him. 

“Yeah, I do know, but clearly that’s not important right now. What is, is that I help your brother. Now, would you please move away from my gun? That’s not the only one I have in the room and I would hate to have to shoot you,” Ian speaks quickly and sits next to Mickey on the couch. 

Mandy seems to accept the situation but doesn’t look happy about it. She stands at the other side of Mickey, ready to jump in if Ian screws anything up. He asses the man quickly, it’s not hard to see that he needs more than what Ian can offer him. He took one emergency medical training course before becoming a detective and he knows that Mickey needs an x-ray to make sure his ribs aren’t broken and a head CT to make sure that he doesn’t have anything worse than a concussion. 

Ian inspects the head wound first, he sighs. Mickey needs stitches and he doesn’t have anything for them here. He thinks about V and her much larger and more extensive medical bag. He looks at Mandy, not surprised to find her already glaring at him. 

“Do you know where North Wallace street is? On the South Side?” 

She scoffs, “I grew up around there fuckwad. How does that help my brother?” 

Ian pulls out a piece of paper and starts writing down a list of things he needs. “I need you to go and get these things from a friend of mine. I’d have you go to a medical supply store but none of them are open and he needs stitches for this wound.” 

Mandys’ eyes soften as she looks at her brother who hasn’t taken his eyes off Ian, something the ginger has been trying to ignore. She turns back to Ian, looking suspicious. 

“How do I know this isn’t your way of fucking with us?” 

Mickey groans loudly, “Jesus Mandy, just go. I already told you, we can’t go to a hospital so you’re going to have to trust him.” 

“Why? Why can’t I just take you out of town? Why does it have to be him and why the hell do you trust him Mick?” All of these questions are valid and Ian wonders the same thing, but Mickey doesn’t answer. He keeps his eyes on Ians’ ceiling while Mandy groans and bitches about the silent treatment. 

“Fine, where am I going and what am I getting?” 

Ian hands her the list. “It’s some friends of mine, Kev and V, I’ll call and let them know you’re coming. Give them that list and they’ll handle the rest.” 

Mandy looks it over and nods. She leaves right after she kisses Mickey on the side of the head that isn’t injured. Ian calls V, waking her up and taking her curses before filling her in as much as he can. He makes his request quickly and politely. She agrees, but not before yelling at him about babysitting the twins so her and Kev can fuck. He agrees quickly and hangs up. 

Now it’s just him and his neighbor. The room is filled with tension and Ian works to ignore it while he cleans Mickeys’ wound. The other man keeps his eyes closed while he works, for which Ian is grateful. But of course, now that he’s staring at the man who has kept him distracted all day he’s dying to ask some questions. Frankly, Ian thinks he deserves the answers. 

“Am I a job?” Is what Ian gets out first. 

It causes Mickey to open his one eye and look at Ian in surprise. However, it quickly hardens into something ugly and he sneers at Ian. “No, but I clearly am.” 

Ian rolls his shoulders back. He’s not sure if he can truly believe what Mickey says but the way he looked surprised at Ian for even assuming that is giving him pause. He shoots back quickly, “I actually didn’t figure out who you were until I saw the file this morning on my desk.” 

Mickey scoffs, but quickly winces when Ian prods him with an iodine pad. He shoots him a look to which Ian ignores and continues working. 

“I was cleaning up the mess on your desk when I saw your file. I freaked, so I left.” 

Ian nods. He knows that now, only imagining what Mickey must’ve thought when he saw the amount of information on his family sitting in his dates’ living room. “I don’t blame you.” 

The quietness continues for a bit until Mickeys’ face twitches uncomfortably. He looks like he’s debating something until he shoots out, “how long have you been working my family?”   
Ian stops and raises and eyebrow. Really? Mickey wants to know details about the case? And he expects Ian to believe what he said about him not being a job? 

Mickey looks at Ian and gives him an equally hard look. “You want to know shit? Well so do I. I think I deserve some answers, Red.” 

“I do too, Mick.” 

They’re at an impasse. Ian works until the head wound is clean and he places a gauze pad over it. He inspects Mickeys’ side, they’re bruised but not as bad as he had originally thought. He checks to make sure there’s no more injuries. He asks Mickey simple questions about anything else that hurts, but Mickey only gestures to his head. 

Now, all they can do is sit and wait. They sit for quite a while, but now Ian is getting antsy and he’s weighing his options about how to get Mickey to talk without revealing classified information about his case. 

He settles with, “I know about Tony Parella.” 

Mickey stiffens next to him. “I didn’t kill him,” he lets out tightly. 

Ian snorts, wow what an achievement. “Were you there?” 

“No, I heard about it after the fact.” 

Ian isn’t sure if that’s much better but he accepts the truth. He remembers that morning, remembers seeing Mickey cool and calm and flirtatious. It was the next morning that he was stand offish and short. It fits, so Ian believes him. 

“Am I a job?” Ian’s confused at Micks’ question. Mickey already assumed he was, so why is he asking? It’s when he turns and he sees the hurt in the mans’ eyes that he realizes what he’s really asking. 

Was last night real? Was it what they both wanted it to be? Was it really what it felt like?   
Ian can only shake his head, keeping eye contact and hoping to convey every bit of truth into it. 

Yes, it was real. It was everything they wanted it to be. It was that and more. Mickey seems to accept this and nods a bit. 

“What happened tonight?” Ian asks. 

Mickey hangs his head low, but snaps it up in pain. Ian moves to help support the back of his neck with a pillow. The other man swats at his hovering hands and lightly pushes him to sit back down on the couch. 

Once they’ve both settled Mickey answers, “my dad happened.” Ian waits, he can see the way Mickey adjust that he’s just getting started. “He uh, he could tell something was off with me.” Mickey adjusts his shirt and exposes down his neck and sees a hand print on his collarbones. He also sees the marks that he, himself, left on Mickeys’ neck last night in bed. His eyes widen. 

Mickey sees where his line of sight goes and sighs, nodding. “Yeah, he saw those. Put two and two together. He yelled, I yelled. He threw a few hits before I blacked out. I woke up in Mandys’ car, told her to take me here.” 

Ian thinks he might actually be sick this time. All day his stomach has felt uneasy but this time he feels the acid sit in his throat, ready to make an appearance. He focuses on Mickeys’ words about coming here instead of a hospital. “Why did you come here?” 

Mickey is quiet before he answers, “mutual destruction. I figured, if you didn’t help I could threaten to go to the cops. Tell them you showed me information.” 

Ian scoffs and moves to get up but is pulled back, he falls close to Mickey now. Like how they were the night before, right before they decided to spend the night together. Somehow this feels similar, intimate and open. 

“I didn’t do that because I remember what you told me. I wanted you to know that I wouldn’t expose you or your family.” Ian softens at the words and the truth bleeding from Mickeys’ eyes. He continues, “I’m hoping that in exchange, you will also keep my family a secret.”

Yev. 

Ian doesn’t have to think, he just nods. The less people that know about him, the better. Tension bleeds away from Mickeys’ shoulders and he relaxes back on Ians’ couch. They don’t speak again, but they also make no move to grow further apart. They suck in each other’s warmth and Ian thinks it feels a lot like last night. 

Mandy comes back, then he’s able to patch up Mickey. It goes smoothly, Mandy seems more relaxed with Ian but she still stands close as he holds the needle near her brothers’ head. He doesn’t mind, he likes that Mickey has someone looking out for him. 

Ian advises him to go see a doctor about his side, just in case. When Mickey scoffs he pushes, “you don’t have to go to the ER, just a small physician. Lie, say you fell down the stairs. Trust me, they will believe you. Just to make sure you don’t have anything broken or punctured.” 

Mickey laughs, “well if I do, I won’t wake up tomorrow to even care.” The joke falls flat and Ian gives him a severe look which wipes the smile of Micks’ face. He nods and walks out with Mandy who looks amused at the interaction. All amusement leaves her face when she sees Ian observing her though. 

“If you screw us over, I will kill you.” 

He nods, doesn’t even bother to defend himself. He watches the siblings leave and enter Mickeys’ own apartment. Before he shuts the door, he sees Mickey turn and nod at him again. It’s different this time. It’s not just an agreement to take care of himself, but an agreement to keep his promise. Ian gives him the same nod then both men close their doors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw man, THEY'RE IN SO DEEP!!!!! That's where a good dick will get you. 
> 
> I am so appreciative of you guys and everyone who clicks on my story! I hope you love reading this as much as I love writing it! 
> 
> I'm thinking about doing an FBI AU where they're partners in more ways than one (see what I did there?) Or another mob AU but this time set in New Orleans and they're both involved in two separate families they're trying to join forces...? Idk I'm not sure just yet. Does either of them sound good? 
> 
> If neither sounds good, let me know what you want me to write! :) Thanks guys, love you! I hope everyone has a pleasant and safe holiday!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HOLIDAYS! 
> 
> I am posting early because I plan on staying in my pajamas and eating Christmas cookies for the next two days! I'm posting six and seven today, so I hope that is a sufficient present! I hope you all are having an amazing and safe holiday. 
> 
> This chapter is a bit of a filler chapter, but I like how it turned out. I especially love writing Dr. Yui and his relationship with Ian. 
> 
> No Mickey here, but trust me, he will be the star of the show coming up! I hope you guys enjoy anxious Ian!

Ian wakes up not feeling much better than he did last night. His early alarm goes off. He knows he needs to take his meds, eat something then go on his run but that means potentially seeing Mickey when he gets back. And for the first time, he’s not sure if he wants to. He gets up and takes his meds with some breakfast before going into his living room.

He picks up his first aid kit and V’s supplies he borrowed. He notes to himself that he’ll need to call them today to thank them and schedule a time for him to watch the twins for them. Once he picks everything up, he sees that if he really tried, it would look like Mickey had never once stepped foot in here. But unfortunately, when he looks at the couch, he remembers how warm he felt sitting there next to him. It’s the same when he looks at his desk, now only remembering when they knocked everything over on their way to the bedroom.

Even in remembering Mickeys’ injuries, he remembers how clear his blue eyes looked, staring at him while he cleaned his wounds. There was never any shiftiness, no dishonesty as far as Ian could tell and every fiber in his body was telling him to trust him.

He wasn’t sure if he would just yet. The only thing he knew, was that he wouldn’t be telling his superiors about his relationship with Mickey. It was over anyway, and it hasn’t and wont impact his involvement on the case. No, he wasn’t telling them about Mickey because he wanted to protect Yev. There was no reason to endanger the kid when the feds weren’t even concerned with him or Mandy. Ian knows what it means to be a slave to your circumstance, he’ll protect Yev from that.

As Ian walks around his apartment, he feels the recognizable lead feeling in his legs. His eyes are heavy and immediately he knows that his body must be overcompensating for the chaos from last night. It wants him to go back to bed and stay there for the next few days to recharge from his hyperactive state his mind has been in.

He makes a quick decision to call in sick, he texts Murphy to let him know that he wants to go see Dr. Yui and make sure his meds don’t start failing. It’s been a while since he’s needed an adjustment and with everything going on recently he wouldn’t be surprised if he needed one soon.

Murphy responds quickly giving him the okay and Ian texts Yui to see if he has any time today. He doesn’t wait for a response before going back to his room, on the way he sees the pillow that Mickey slept on still laying in the hallway from when he threw it. He considers it for a moment before picking it up and bringing it in the room with him. He sets it on his bed, then places his own on top of it. He crashes on top of his small mountain of pillows and allows himself to relax into his memories of Mickey.

* * *

He wakes two hours later, still early, and Ian sees that there’s a message from Dr. Yui telling him that he has an opening around 3:30. He accepts it and walks to make himself some cereal and a banana. He feels better than when he first woke up and the food feels good when he eats it. He relaxes more, knowing that if he was on a downward swing that his appetite would be down and his mind wouldn’t feel as clear as it does.

He allows himself to enjoy his second breakfast of the day and opens a window in his living room. The brisk morning air filters in and Ian feels it begin to clear out the memories of last night. No longer does he smell the scent of the younger Milkovich siblings but once again smelling like him and his home.

He circles around to his desk, knowing that he needs to really organize it and take some notes to be ready for work tomorrow. He’s grateful that Mickey isn’t a big player in the family, Ian is able to focus his efforts on the older siblings and Iggys’ parole hearing coming up soon. The more he flips through it, the more he realizes that Mickey would be an ideal flip. It’s clear that Terry doesn’t trust him with a lot of the heavy illegal jobs. Ian wonders if it’s because he’s young or because of his attraction to men (and women? Ian still isn’t sure of Mickeys’ definite sexuality, all he knows is that he is the bossiest bottom he’s ever met).

The gym appears to be a straight forward business, Terry bought the place ten years ago and was leaving it to Iggy but then apparently decided he was a better enforcer. Mickey took over for him around the time Ian assumes Yevs’ mom got pregnant. He was able to buy him out and legally change the ownership about five years ago. There’s been a steady stream of revenue along with an impressive amount of tournament champions.

If Ian wasn’t a cop and he wasn’t obligated to dig further into it, he would assume that Mickey was a south side success story. A man making an honest living, while supporting his family and even helping his community. Ian thinks of the young boy at the restaurant and his heart clenches. Hell, Mickey is the living the American Dream of the south side if you don’t know who his dad is and what it must be like to live under his thumb. But unfortunately, Ian is a cop and he is obligated to investigate people pertaining to his case. He also thinks of Mandy last night, worried that Ian would ruin them. He can’t ignore the gut feeling that there’s something more happening than anyone is truly aware of. There’s no use in trying to figure it out. Between the federal and local police and the amount of search warrants they’re applying for, they’ll figure it out. Ian has no power to stop it, but he would encourage it either.

Ian moves on and takes notes on the more prominent members of the gym. From pictures, he can see that there are some with families that have definite ties to the Milkovich family business. Some, more often the younger ones, don’t. Ian makes a list of all the names on the public website and makes a note to do a dive into each family. The sooner he can figure out who to focus on the sooner he can move his attention away from the gym and Mickey.

Ian scrolls to the top of the page and sees a new announcement banner that reads:

**NEW EXPANSION COMING SOON!**

There’s a picture of Terry and Mickey standing outside the gym in matching Tough Guy Gym gear. Terrys’ smile is dark and menacing. Mickey looks stiff next to him, arms crossed over his chest with a forced, tight smile on his face. If you don’t know, you’ll just assume that Mickey’s a hard ass gym owner who’s going to push his athletes to the brink. It’s convincing, Ian thinks, but he’s seen what Mickey looks like when he’s relaxed and smiling, he’s seen what he looks like when he’s talking to his athletes. It’s the polar opposite of the image he’s displaying.

Ian recognizes the behavior. He used to do the same thing. While he took ROTC in high school he hid his sexuality and compensated by being the hardest working cadet and maybe, overly compensated and exuded as much masculine energy as possible. Well, until he would sneak out to Boys Town with a fake ID and actually get a chance to be more of himself. And yet, he was still able to go home and have Lip and Fiona know and it not be any sort of deal. Mickey had none of that, Ian wonders if he ever had one safe space where he could breathe and feel like himself.

Ian gets it. He understands the fear that some asshole will have an opinion and want to make that opinion known by beating him up. He can’t imagine what it must be like to live with that asshole. Mickey showed up with a simple hickey on his neck and his dad decided that, that was worthy of a beat down. Everything he knows about Terry makes him want to close this case more than any other he’s ever had.

Ian finishes up his notes, feeling good to have an easy lead to bring to Murphy in hopes of smoothing over his outburst in the meeting yesterday. He checks the time and grabs his phone, knowing that Lip is home alone while Tami works today. He quickly calls his brother, needing to hear about someone else’s life.

Lip answers quickly, “you’re supposed to be at work.” He says it without inflection, just a simple observation with no judgement or concern. It’s something that Lip has worked on the last few years, not wanting to smother Ian like Fiona tends to do.

“Called in so I could go to an appointment with Yui later, it’s no big deal.” Ian wants to bite his own tongue off. He knows that by saying it’s no big deal that Lip will now assume it is a big deal but Ian just doesn’t want to talk about it. Sometimes he gets away with it, his brother letting him handle his own problems, but there are days where he hounds Ian until he confesses.

He’s lucky today. “Okay, if you say so.”

“I do,” Ian says quietly.

Lip pauses for a moment then jumps into this new parenting book he read yesterday that Tami got him. He reads a bit of it to Ian and he can’t help but think how different of a father Lip will be from Frank. Ian remembers when Lips’ drinking got really bad and it was scary how similar he was to Frank. In fact, they even started drinking and scamming together most days.

It was after a night of drinking and proclivities, as Frank would say, that Lip showed up at Ians’ door for the last time. His eyes were red, not only from the heavy alcohol but also from the tears streaming down his face. Lip was holding an empty bottle of forty in a brown paper bag, gripping it for dear life and repeating over and over to Ian, “I’m not Frank.”

He knew this and understood, as he used to say, “I’m not Monica.” Over and over again to his siblings when they would look at him in his manic state. He let Lip in that day and the next morning, drove him to his first meeting. Him, Debbie and Carl helped clear out all the alcohol of the house while Fiona and Liam bought new locks to keep Frank out. If there was one person who Lip couldn’t be around anymore, it was him.

Things are so different now, Ian thinks. The Gallaghers have made it out. All of them, doing well and surviving, beating the odds that Frank and Monica gave them. Ian can tell that Lip asked him a question because he goes silent.

“Sorry, what?” Ian asks, sitting up straighter on his couch.

Lips’ response is drowned out by the sound of a door slamming outside. Ian gets up immediately and is able to see Mickey jogging down the stairs and through the courtyard below. He watches him exit the gate then stop at the sidewalk. Ian thinks for a second that he’s going to turn around, he almost does, seeing the other mans’ head turn slightly, but instead he turns and walks down the sidewalk. The opposite way that he normally takes, Ian notes.

He hears a rough sigh on the other end of the phone. “Alright man, what’s going on? I know you didn’t call to listen to me talk about a parenting book. And even if you did, you’re doing a shit job of it.” He laughs quietly so Ian knows he isn’t pissed.

He bites the bullet. “I met someone.”

Lip barks out a laugh. “And that’s a bad thing? Since when does getting laid require a therapy session?”

Ian groans and rubs his hand over his face. “It usually doesn’t, this one is just complicated.”

“Complicated how? Closeted complicated or married complicated? Or is this another Jeffery situation where they’re both?”

“Oh, fuck off, you know I had no idea he was married,” Ian retorts being unfortunately reminded of the older man he dated two years ago. They had met at a bar in Boys Town and weren’t very serious. It ended quickly when during a dinner date, Jefferys’ wife showed up and made a scene at the restaurant.

Lip just laughs. “Sorry man, you know I’m just giving you shit.”

Ian hums and watches the spot where Mickey disappeared. “No, this guy is great, he just has some shit.”

“Well everyone has some shit, don’t they?”

“This is different.”

Lip is quiet, thinking over the implications in Ians’ voice. “Like bipolar type shit?”

Ian considers this. No, Mickey isn’t bipolar. But like Ian, he is also trapped by a circumstance. Ian didn’t choose his brain and most days he’d trade with any passerby on the street just to feel the same balance he used to feel as a kid. Ian thinks Mickey must be the same way, dreaming of a miracle that will one day save him, save Yev. Like Ian, Mickey was born into a world that seems so hellbent on screwing them and leaving them out in the cold. “That heavy, yeah.”

“Hmm,” Lip starts. “Well you know better than anyone how hard his life must be.”

They’re both quiet and before long, they hang up, promising to get dinner soon. Ian specifically promises to come over and try Tamis’ lasagna that Lip swears is better than any meal he’s ever had.

Ian texts Kev and V about babysitting tomorrow night for them and he instantly gets responses back agreeing. He laughs, knowing that it will be good to see them and the twins, Amy and Gemma. They’re easy to hang out with and they like Ians’ impressive movie collection. Plus, they think that because he’s gay he has all the answers to the male species and are constantly drilling him for information. It’s fun and cute and he doesn’t mind their questions in exchange for the sweet company.

He works for a bit more and cooks himself some lunch to munch on while he reads up on the other businesses linked the Milkovich line. There’s a few spots, Terrys’ garage and whatever the hell Mandy seems to be doing at the bar she works at. He knows the feds are handling warrants to search the premises plus their homes. It’ll be awhile before they can get all of them to cover the amount of information they need.

Ian gets up after a few hours of work and changes into some running gear. He wants to clear his head of work before his appointment. Plus, he needs to keep up some form of his routine or else his mind will start to betray him.

He aims for six miles and ends up going ten. The weather is the perfect mix of warm with a cool breeze and Ian can already see some of the leaves starting to change. He feels tired but good as he slows his pace. The run was a good idea, he knows exactly what he’s going to say to Dr. Yui about Mickey. He’ll say enough to paint the picture but not all of it, he doesn’t want to admit anything that he’ll have to report.

He’s doing a quick hamstring stretch when he hears someone call his name. He turns and sees Yev running at him with his skateboard in hand. Trailing slowly behind him is Mickey, he’s holding his sons’ backpack and the look on his face says that he’d rather be anywhere but here. Ian can’t help but agree.

Ian gives Yev a high five as the kid starts talking about his day at school. He shows Ian the bandage on his arm that Ian gave him and Yev seems so excited at the possibility of a scar that he can’t help but laugh. He looks up when he sees Mickey doing the same. In this light, it’s easier to see the extent of his injuries. His eye isn’t as bad as Ian thought last night. It’s still black but the eye isn’t nearly as swollen. If he got closer, he would be able to see a small light of blue underneath the bruising. Mickey has covered his stitches with a large bandaid. Other than that, he looks fine.

Yev notices him staring at his dad and fills him in, “dad got beat up by one of his students.”

Ian shoots a look at Mickey who doesn’t look away from Yev. “Yeah and that’s why protective gear is so important.” He nods at the helmet in Yevs’ hand. The little boy nods, looking serious. Ian holds back a snort but not very well since Mickey turns his glare to him.

No one says anything and Ian can tell that Mickey is about to urge Yev to go inside. The boy must be able to tell too because he pipes up quickly, “Ian, you should come over for dinner!”

Both adults look up wildly and start to shake their heads. Yev turns to his dad and starts pleading with him to allow Ian to come over. He can see the older man slowly losing his cool so Ian chimes in.

“Sorry, Yev, I can’t.” The little boy looks at him with disappointment. “I have an appointment soon that I can’t miss.”

Ian doesn’t miss the way Mickeys’ eyes snap to his in suspicion but he doesn’t look away from Yev who looks so much like his dad right then. Ian would laugh if he couldn’t feel the tension seeping into Mickeys’ shoulders. Yev raises an eyebrow at him. “What kind of appointment?”

Ian does laugh at that, especially because Mickey does quietly scold Yev for being obnoxious even though he’s sure Mickey is wanting to know the same thing. “It’s a doctors’ appointment, I’m okay, just a checkup.”

The little boy suddenly looks nervous. “Do you have to get a shot or something?”

A shot of logical thinking, sure, Ian thinks bitterly. Now Mickey pulls Yev back from his stance, “c’mon kid, we’ve talked about manners.”

Yev shakes himself out of it and look sheepishly up at Ian. “Sorry,” Ian shrugs it off. “I hope you can come to dinner soon though.”

Ian doesn’t know what to say to that so he just smiles and nods. Yev looks at his dad then makes his way to the gate, leaving Ian and Mickey alone. It’s quiet for a minute before the dark-haired man speaks.

“You’re okay?”

Ian nods. “Yeah, you?”

Mickey returns the nod and looks up at Yevs’ retreating form. “I am now.”

* * *

Ian felt good going into his appointment. He was calm and collected and knew everything he had planned to say to Dr. Yui. So why, did Ian sit down in front of his therapist and blurt out, “I slept with a material witness in my case.”

God dammit, Ian.

Dr. Yui had barely sat down in front of him, he paused with his notebook in his hand. He considers this and nods. “Okay, so we’ll skip the small talk today, then.”

From there, Ian tells him everything about Mickey. Not just about him being his neighbor and what Dr. Yui already knows, he tells him about the Milkovich family and how they are now wrapped up with the Parella family in New York. He tells him about the gym, about Yev and about the countless kids Mickey might be signing away to work for his dad. The words don’t stop coming and Dr. Yui just listens, he never interrupts, only hums to show that he’s following and that he understands.

He does look worried when Ian tells him about the night before. His eyes grow soft and concerned when Ian talks about his guilt for leaving marks on Mickey and then seeing them in comparison to Terrys’ own marks. He finishes with seeing Mickey today and how he felt when Yev invited him up for dinner. He thinks about how different his answer would’ve been if he wasn’t on this case. If he wasn’t on the case, he wouldn’t know or care about Mickey being a Milkovich. He wouldn’t’ve left before Ian woke up and they may have enjoyed a morning together. Who knows they may have already had a public first date.

It’s the first time he resents his job in the last six years he’s worked for the CPD. Dr. Yui can see Ian getting angrier the more he talks about Terry and the case so he cuts in.

“Alright, Ian, take a breath so we can start to unpack this.”

He does. He takes a few, and he notices that his breaths come easier now after telling Yui everything.

“First, Ian what happened to Mickey is not your fault,” he holds up a hand when Ian goes to interrupt. “There was no way you could’ve known how Terry would react to seeing a hickey on his sons’ neck.”

Hearing it and believing are two different things. Ian logically knows this yes, but the guilt sits uncomfortably in his stomach. He nods along with Dr. Yui, his silent promise to try to believe that. His doctor takes it and continues on.

“Second, Ian, what do you want from Mickey?”

It’s such a simple question and yet Ian is baffled by it. What he wants doesn’t matter, they can’t have anything from each other. He tells Yui just that.

“I’m not asking you about what can or can’t happen. I’m asking you what you want.” Ian is quiet so his therapist goes on, “I know why you haven’t considered this but I think you should. I think the reason you’re so conflicted is because you haven’t even come to terms with what that night meant to you. So, what did it mean?”

That answer is easy. Ian remembers feeling it multiple times that night, before, during and after and right as he fell asleep.

“It felt like home,” he says sadly. He feels a pressure behind his eyes and he drops his head to look at his shoes. He thinks about the home he has now, the one he’s built with his bare hands and hard work. He’s happy with his life, he’s proud of it and he wouldn’t trade it for anything. But now, he realizes after being with Mickey, that there has been a space available for someone else in his life. It wasn’t until he filled that spot with someone that was real. Mickey was real and Ian didn’t want to let that go.

“You’ve been fighting for that for a long time.”

Ian swallows and nods. “I found it.”

Dr. Yui smiles, it’s soft and Ian searches for the pity in his eyes but finds none. “Ian, you have found something that you have been working for since I’ve met you.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Are you saying that I should be with him?”

Yui sits back in his chair and sets his notebook aside. “What do you think?”

Ian groans and stands up. He circles the couch and begins to pace back and forth. He knows this is what therapy is. He isn’t here to be given all the answers, he’s supposed to work through them on his own with the guidance of his therapist. But he’s been talking himself in circles filled with metaphors and guilt that it’s hard to think straight.

“I don’t know, that’s why I’m here.”

Dr. Yui laughs, he looks too pleased with himself and Ian wants to scream. “Ian, you come here multiple times in one week sometimes,” he sends him a significant look and Ian rolls his eyes. “You came here with my response already played out in your head. So, what did I say? Was it insightful?”

“You sounded like an arrogant prick.”

The other man just laughs loudly and waits for Ian to start. It doesn’t take long, because he’s right. He thought he had Yui figured out and was just waiting for him to be right.

“You think that Mickey is unstable. You think that after all the years of me putting my life together that he could come in and totally ruin it.”

Dr. Yui hums thoughtfully. “Interesting,”

“And you’re right,” Ian continues on as if there was no interruption. “He could come in and completely trash my life, he’s part of a fucking mob family, stability isn’t something you find in those.”

Yui nods in understanding.

“But Mickey, himself, is stable. He has a son that he loves and protects from everything wrong in his life. He didn’t ask for the chaos, it was given to him and look at what he’s done to shield what he loves from that. That’s not trash, that’s- that’s-” he stops and searches for a word but nothing seems right. “I don’t know what it is but it’s certainly better than just allowing himself to give in to Terry and his psychotic wishes. He’s like me, we’ve had to fight for every bit of happiness the last few years. We’ve found some form of it and we refuse to let it go.”

Ian takes a deep breath and has found that he’s no longer pacing instead, staring at a waiting Dr. Yui. The older man is in the same position. His notebook sits on the table, his legs crossed with his arms resting on them. The picture of a calm therapist.

“So, what conclusion have you come to?”

The answer is there and ready, “he deserves a conversation.”

“Just him?”

Ian shrugs, knowing that he should also think of his own needs but finds himself caring only about Mickey. “I’ll get what I need if he does.”

Doctor Yui smiles then glances at his watch. Their time is up. “Well I can’t wait to hear how it goes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOOooooooOOOOHHHhhh what does this mean??? I can only wonder!!!! Stay tuned, chapter seven will be up in literal seconds and I hope you're prepared for pining because it's coming! 
> 
> Thank you guys for your support, it means so much to me and you guys are truly what keep me writing and trying to constantly raise my standards. I literally live for you guys and I cannot wait to hear what you think of these two chapters. 
> 
> Also, what is formatting?? Does it drive you all crazy like it drives me crazy? One day I will get this thing right and be able to sleep soundly.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here you go guys! 
> 
> See you next week!

Ian goes into work the next morning prepared to make the much-needed apologies and throw himself into work. He knows that he has to talk to Mickey soon but wants to make sure Yev won’t be around to interrupt or, more importantly, to overhear. Plus, Dr. Yui did prescribe him two nights worth of sleeping pills. He was proud of Ians’ breakthrough but wasn’t pleased to hear how his routine was now thrown off. Ian made a note to go pick up the pills after work.

Karen has a coffee waiting for him along with a chocolate croissant. Ian smiles because he can see that this is his partner trying to butter him up and get him to spill. He sits down at his desk and sees her lean forward, resting her head and her hands that are perched on the desk.

He cocks an eyebrow. “Yes?”

“I would like an explanation, sir,” she says it lightly but Ian knows that she won’t stop asking this time.

“I had a bad med day, my sleep was off and I just needed a reset.”

Karen sits up, looking more concerned than he’s seen her in a long time. He doesn’t bring up his mental health a lot and the fact that he’s brought it up multiple times in the last few days can only mean something serious. “What happened? Was it the neighbor?” Her stare turns cold and he knows that if he wants to talk to a sane and normal Karen Jackson then he’s going to need to calm her down quickly.

“No, it wasn’t,” he pauses and amends his answer. “Well, he didn’t intentionally do it.”

She sits back and crosses her arms over her chest. The message is clear, explain. So, Ian does.

“He left before I woke up the morning after, it freaked me out but then we talked and cleared everything up.” More or less, he thinks. He’s planning on clearing everything up, but what Karen doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

“Okay, skipping right past the fact that the hot neighbor slept over, there had to be something else.”

Karen really is a good detective, Ian thinks. Before he can make a, hopefully, believable excuse she keeps going.

“Mickey leaving that morning couldn’t’ve been what caused you to talk back to a fed in front of the Cap and Murphy. I mean, especially over getting that Milkovich to flip it wasn’t…” she fades off and it’s like the lights turn on inside her head.

Ian starts to shake his head back and forth, hoping it makes Karen shut up and move on but of course, it does the exact opposite. Her jaw drops open as she scrambles to grab at a file on her desk. Ian knows where this is headed and can’t do anything to stop it. She flips through the file and then lands on what Ian assumes is a picture and background on Mickey.

She looks at the file then back at Ian, she does this for two minutes before using the file to hit Ian over the head multiple times.

“OW! Karen, stop!”

She whispers fiercely, thank God, so no one hears her, “you slept with our fucking flip?”

Ians’ head snaps up, ignoring her glare. “It’s official? He’s a flip?”

His partner rolls her eyes. “No, there hasn’t been an approach yet. They want to do a full background into both, but it might as well be official.”

There’s silence and Ian hates this. He’s never had to force his friendship with Karen, she’s always been a rock when he couldn’t talk to Lip or Fiona. Now, her face is angry and hurt. He doesn’t know this Karen and he never wanted to.

She sits back down in her seat and huffs out a breath. “Is it still happening?”

Ian can see the hope in her eyes, the hope that he’ll say no and that it’s over. He wants to, he wants to give his friend some peace but he can’t. He thinks it is, but he has no idea what will happen with Mickey after they talk. Plus, he knows that Karen is expecting him to cut off all ties with the Milkovich boy and no matter what happens with them, he can’t promise that either.

“No, it’s over,” he lies.

Karen nods her head and watches Ian for a few more minutes. “Good,” she settles on.

They continue working in silence, there’s not as much tension as before but Ian can tell that she’s still hurt. He offers to pay for lunch and while he knows she sees it as a sad attempt at peacemaking she accepts and warms a little bit more.

When the time for lunch comes, he orders something for everyone, deciding to start his apology tour now. Murphy is his first stop who smiles a relieved and proud smile at him so he takes that as win. Forester only nods and gives him a warning about staying on top of his shit, another win. It’s the feds that give him the most trouble, which doesn’t shock him.

Bowing seems to stare into Ians’ soul as he holds out the bag of deli sandwiches. He hums and then takes the bag but doesn’t let go, only tugging Ian in closer. “You’re a hard worker, Gallagher. Don’t screw that up by being stupid.”

Ian gives him a stunned nod. He doesn’t take the compliment lightly but also hurries off quickly to hand off the last sandwich to Harvey. The man takes is quietly, nodding Ian away without as much as a glance.

When he gets back to his desk, Karen has already eaten half of hers and has stolen Ians’ chips. He gives her a look which she ignores. He goes to the breakroom and buys a new bag before getting back to work. The energy from the food comes in handy as Ian works until it’s time for him to go pick up Amy and Gemma from Kev and V.

He starts to pack up and gives Karen a pat on the shoulder which seems to break her out of the intense staring contest she’s having with the file in front of her. She startles but settles quickly.

Ian holds his hands up. “I was just letting you know that I’m heading out. You want me to walk you to your stop?”

Karen seems to consider this before looking down at her case file. She shakes her head. “No, I’m gonna stay here and see if I can’t finish up some notes.”

Ian looks at her, knowing that something else has to be up. It’s a Friday and he knows how much Karen likes to unwind at the end of the week. He remembers what she said about the girl she met earlier in the week.

“Okay,” he aims for a joke hoping to get a smile from her. “Well, don’t keep your wife waiting.”

It doesn’t work as well as he had hoped and only gets a tight smile from her. She turns away from him and begins to write some more.

Ian sighs but leaves the precinct. He has to pick up the twins before the pharmacy closes.

* * *

It’s been a while since Ian had been in his old neighborhood. He’s always there for holidays, especially when Carl and Debbie manage to get their butts home to spend it with family. Fiona likes to have a family dinner every two weeks to check up with everyone but sometimes schedules are too busy to really make it happen.

Ian missed the last family dinner for work so it’s nice to be back now. When he gets to Kev and Vs’ they’re practically throwing the twins at him and the twins are practically running away from their parents. Ian laughs and waves at the couple. Kev is already shirtless and he’s pretty sure Veronica isn’t wearing pants.

“Have fun you two!”

V flips him off and Kev gives him a big smile. “We’ll pick them up around 10!” He calls before shutting the door.

The twins talk his ear off until they reach the pharmacy. He can see that their energy levels don’t seem to be dwindling in the slightest so he takes them to the park near his apartment. At first, they wanted him to push them on the swings but they quickly grew board and started playing with some other neighborhood kids instead.

Ian sits at a bench and watches them, happy that they’ll get their energy out before they can use it to rearrange his apartment. He watches as the twins find a small blonde boy who looks awfully familiar. The three start a game of hide and seek and it’s then that Ian realizes the boy is Yev. He looks around, trying to see who brought him when he hears a laugh behind him.

He turns to see Mickey standing behind his bench. “Looking for me?”

Ian blushes and nods, guiltily. Mickey seems to appreciate the honesty and motions in question at the bench. Ian nods and watches as the other man sits in the open spot. They’re on opposite sides, back to the distance as if the night between them never happened.

“Which one’s yours?” Mickey asks, not taking his eyes off Yev.

Ian nods at the two girls playing with the small boy. “The two playing with Yev.”

Mickeys’ eyes look like they’re about to bug out of his head and he looks at Ian. “You sure about that, Red?”

Ian laughs and nods. “I’m babysitting for a friend tonight.”

Mickey nods in understanding, his shoulders stay tense, Ian notices. “Did you uh, did you tell them to play with Yev?”

He’s back to watching the kids play, and Ian sees that his hands are curling tightly into fists in his lap. Ian looks up in surprise and feels an indignant anger make its way up his spine.

“I thought we had an understanding here, Mick.”

Mickey snorts. “We have an understanding to keep each other’s secrets, not our privacy.” He looks at Ian and the latter can see the beginnings of a snarl appearing on Mickeys’ mouth. “You’re a cop, you don’t know a thing about privacy.”

Ian wants to retort but then remembers how he knows almost everything about Mickeys’ childhood. At least, what the CPD has on him and what they managed to get from Child Protective Services. “I know what human decency is though, Mickey.”

Mickey hums, noncommittal.

This isn’t how Ian wanted their talk to go. He wanted to be able to talk about that night and what each man wanted now that all the cards were on the table. Now, though, Ian could see how closed off the other man was. How it had seemed that he wasn’t going to even flirt with the idea of knowing eachother.

It doesn’t take long for Yev to notice that Ian is sitting with his dad. He seems to forget that he’s playing with the twins because he runs over. His face is the picture of excitement and Ian wonders if Mickey looks anything like this when he allows himself to.

“Ian! What are you doing here?” He looks at his dad, as if he was expecting him to admit that it was Mickey who invited him here.

Before either of them can upset the little boy, the twins run up. They stand close to Ian and look at Yev questioningly. Reminding Ian of their mother, with their hands on their hips and small scowls on their faces.

“How do you know Ian?” Gemma asks.

Yev looks like his head is about to explode in a mixture of confusion and wonder. Ian leans forward quickly and introduces them to Mickey and explains the relationship between everyone. The twins nod and start to pull Yev back to play. The little boy looks like he wants to stay with his dad and Ian but goes when he sees Mickey nod.

The two men are quiet, but there’s an easier energy floating between them. Mickey looks proud at his son and Ian can clearly see the love written on his face. He understands the need to protect those closest, and he even gets the lack of trust he has with Ian. He, himself, helped raise Debbie, Carl, and Liam. Even though they were his siblings, there were nights where he certainly felt like a parent. Getting up with Liam when he couldn’t sleep with his ear infection, teaching Carl how to tie a tie, and even having a boy talk with Debbie. He wasn’t the only one there, they had Fiona and Lip, but there were times where it fell on him. He would do anything, give up everything if it meant that they would be safe for the rest of their lives. He can only imagine what it’s like for Mickey.

“So, are you gay?” Ian blurts out.

Mickey turns to Ian and looks at him incredulously. “That was answered a while ago, Red.” He’s teasing Ian and the latters’ face heats up in embarrassment.

He just motions to Yev and raises an eyebrow, hoping Mickey picks up on the implication. He does, his face goes hard and he nods. “One-time thing,” he says shortly before turning away from Ian again.

They watch the kids play for a bit. Ian checks his watch and mentally notes that they have to be heading home soon. He’s about to announce so to Mickey and try again with asking him when they can talk but the dark-haired man turns to him instead.

“Are you really okay?” He asks, nodding to the prescription in his lap.

Ian pauses. He could tell Mickey about his bipolar right now. He could explain that this is nothing, just a way for his routine and brain to reset themselves and prevent another episode. He wants to, there’s a part of him that wants to share it all with Mickey, but then the other part tells him not to because the more he reveals the more vulnerable he is. That’s hard, especially when he knows in his heart and in his head how easily Mickey could wreck him.

“Yeah, this is nothing to worry about.”

He doesn’t hear the other mans’ response because one of the twins calls his name. He looks up to see Amy motioning him over. She’s standing next to Gemma who is sitting on the ground, she has a scrape on her knee. Ian stands, going over immediately. She isn’t crying but he can tell that it hurts.

“Hey, what happened?” He asks, kneeling next to her.

Amy pipes in, adding in dramatic pauses and hand motions about how her sister had tried to jump from one of the platforms to the ground and roll out of it. Instead, she just slid and scraped her knee. Ian smiles and looks at Gemma.

“You’re really wanting to earn a new nickname? What, should I call you now, Monkey?”

It does what he wants, which is a laugh from both girls. The scrape isn’t bad, but it is bleeding a lot. Ian turns and sees Mickey standing there with his stuff and Yev. Without asking, he hands Ian his bag so he’s able to get his first aid kit. He cleans up Gemma before offering her a ride on his back. She jumps on and Amy takes his bag and prescription from Mickey.

The two groups stand in front of eachother and Ian knows it’s his and Mickeys’ job to say goodbye but he can’t help but linger. The idealistic part of him imagines how different this could be. Instead of parting, the five of them could all go back together. The kids would be laughing and Mickey and Ian would walk home closely together, almost touching, debating whose apartment to have dinner at that night. It would all be very domestic and Ians’ heart pines for it to be real.

But it’s not. No, what’s real is the gurgling stomachs of the children and the actual responsibilities of the two men. Mickey springs into action first, throwing an arm around Yev and saying something about meeting Mandy for dinner.

They say their goodbyes, the kids hoping to play again soon when Yev comes back into town. Ian realizes that this must be Yevs’ last night. He winks at the small boy who looks upset that he wasn’t able to get his dinner with the both of them. He wishes he could make a promise for next time but he can’t, not until he talks to Mickey first. The two groups go in their separate directions. Mickey leads Yev over to the L and Ian leads the girls the few blocks to the complex.

Neither men know, but at one point, both turned around to look at the other. They were faced with retreating backs and both had wished they could go with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally cannot wait for you to read the next chapter. It's my favorite one and it's going to give you some amazing insight into this Mickey and probably clear up some questions about him. 
> 
> Happy Holidays guys, I hope everyone is being safe but also enjoying this time of joy and giving.


	8. Mickey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
> 
> Okay guys, I love this chapter. I knew I wanted to write a Mickey chapter from the very beginning and this is what happened. I skip around a lot with time, so I hope it's not too confusing to follow. Every line break is a new scene and skips ahead a bit. I wanted to include scenes that would be important to Mickey and round out the turning point of the story. 
> 
> I hope you guys love reading it as much as I loved writing it. It's long. I do love writing in Mickeys' POV so I might have to do that more often ;)

Mickey grunts as he puts the last box in his new apartment. He looks around, seeing the blank slate and the possibilities. The living room has enough space for the shelves, his couch that pulls out for Yevgeny and his TV. There’s a small table between the couch and the kitchen. He smiles, looking forward to having dinner with his son, maybe a dinner that he made. The bedroom is small, but it’s big enough for a bed for him and Yev if the kid has a nightmare.

Possibilities.

He texts Lana, letting her know that he got everything moved in. He thanks her again. She tells him not to, but it’s impossible. Without her, this wouldn’t be happening. He would still be living with Joey in his small apartment, having to sneak out late at night or early in the morning to get a few moments of peace. Without Lana, he would still be pretending to get off to his brothers’ porn, or the strippers they go to see sometimes. Now, he can have his space. A space he can’t wait to bring Yev to, whenever he feels it’s safe enough.

Hopefully it’ll be soon. He took every precaution he could think of to hide the apartment from his family. His brothers are so stupid they won’t think anything different if he tells them that he’s staying with some chick he’s hooking up with. As long as he makes an appearance every few nights, they won’t ask any questions.

It’s Terry he has to worry about. That’s why the lease is under a different name, knowing full well that his father would run checks on him, specifically. Lana even paid to get him a small moving truck so he wouldn’t have to ask anyone for favors.

It’s like his dad has always known. He’s always known that Mickey was different. It’s like as Mickey figured out his attraction to men, so did Terry. There was never a moment where he felt any kind of love or acceptance from his father. Only the firm hand or sudden fist to put him to bed at night, the screams and tightening hand on his throat whenever he did anything suspicious.

He refuses to be that way with Yev. He may not have wanted him but that changed when he heard the heartbeat and held him in his arms for the first time. He loves his son, everything he does is for him and that’s the only way he’s allowing himself to live his life.

He goes to close his door when he sees the neighboring door open. A tall, redheaded man steps out and Mickey almost gasps. He’s gorgeous, standing in shorts and a t-shirt, one that shows off the definitive muscles in his arms and back. He’s locking his door while attempting to hold his phone between his ear and shoulder.

He’s laughing at whoever is on the phone and Mickey feels the deep sound send something strong through his body. He hides behind his door, like a coward, before the man turns around.

“Jesus, Lip I’m on my way,” he says.

What the fuck kind of name is Lip?

“Well tell Fiona and Tami that if they want to do these family outings that they need to give me more than an hours’ notice.”

Mickey hears him stop outside the two doors and he wonders if he should just show himself. He wouldn’t want this man to inspect an open door and find Mickey spying on him.

“Huh?” He hears his neighbor say. “Yeah, sorry I’m still here. I think I have a new neighbor,” he finishes.

Mickey hears him laugh, but it sounds far away, he peeks out to see him walking down the stairs. The last thing he hears nearly gives Mickey a heart attack, “Yeah, I hope he’s cute too.”

He watches the man leave the complex and walk down the sidewalk. He’s not ashamed to say that he never takes his eyes off his new neighbor as he walks away. He rakes his eyes down his body and before he knows it, he’s closing his door and leaning against it. He takes himself in his hand and thinks of the possibilities with men like that, now that he’s here, now that he has a space. He hears the deepness of the laugh and the fact that he said, _“he”_ and Mickey finishes much faster than anticipated. He gathers his breath before chuckling.

Glancing around the apartment, he marvels at the fact that he just did that in the openness of his living room. Unpacking is a breeze for the rest of the night.

It doesn’t take long to figure more out about his hot neighbor. Mickey leaves early every morning to open up the gym and have a few moments of solace before the chaos ensues. He’s surprised to see his neighbor on his way home from a run. The first time it happens, he feels the other mans’ eyes on him but makes no move to introduce himself.

It isn’t until the third day, later, when Mickey and the ginger are coming home at the same time that they speak for the first time. He had wished it was any other time, not after a family meeting where he was under scrutiny from his father. He had sat so still that night that he could feel his muscles lock up. It was painful to walk home, feeling everything creak and finally loosen by the time he got back.

Seeing his neighbor was like a bucket of cold water, though. Standing in front of him, is his neighbor with a golden badge gleaming on his belt. A fucking cop. His neighbor that he’s used as wank bank material is a cop. Someone, that if they wanted to or needed to, could tear down Mickeys’ life without a second glance. If Mickey hadn’t moved in last, he would assume that this was a setup, that there was already a case against him and his family.

Seeing him in his work pants and green button up should look stupid with the red hair. Mickey is terrified to find that he isn’t repelled by any of it. Not by the green and red mix and unfortunately not by the badge either. In fact, it’s making him think inappropriate thoughts that are far too dirty to be having about a stranger. His attraction only reminds him of the fear and he doesn’t know what to do when the attractive man who lives next door to him says, oh so softly, “hi”.

He does nothing but stare at the hopeful expression on the other mans’ face and see the openness and unguarded body language. Mickey is in awe; how can anyone be like that? How can _he_ do that? How does he live as a man attracted to other men? Mickeys’ whole life, that’s all he wanted. He’s wanted to be free to go to a bar and pick up any guy and take him home. Maybe even taking a guy home with the intention for more than just sex. Maybe for the potential of more, the freedom of wanting more.

In the obvious open expression on his neighbors face he can see that he hopes for the same. The potential happiness and excitement barely being held at bay, and Mickey envies this. He envies the way this man doesn’t even second guess his behavior, he allows himself to feel hope. He sees that possibility in the man standing in front of him.

But it’s not a possibility, Mickey thinks. It’s a dream, one that lives only in his head at night. Nowhere else.

He’ll always be a Milkovich and Milkovich men are men. They don’t suck a dick, let alone take one. They fuck whatever woman they want and they never ask if it’s okay. That’s how they live their life, it’s how Terry has made their family one to be feared and respected.

With Terry in mind, he looks at his incredibly impossible dream in his neighbor and merely grunts before going into his apartment quickly. He doesn’t look back, knowing that it’s more than just his own life here. If Yev is going to be here, then there can be no other risk.

* * *

Yesterday was so good, Mickey thinks. He talked to Ian for the first time, learning his neighbors’ name and finding that it matched so well to what Mickey already knew about him. He got a chance to see a piece of him, the way he watched him struggle with his work. Watching him get flustered when Mickey made his thoughts more obvious. The way Ian, made his thoughts more obvious and what that did to Mickey.

He had wanted to give Ian his number. He had wanted to not only flirt with Ian but flirt with the idea of a moment with Ian. More than what he got in the mornings, more than a two-worded conversation. Of course, the minute he had thought that, was the minute he had to be reminded of who he was and what was happening.

Joey had called him right after, wanting to know where he was. Something was wrong and Mickey had promised to be at the meeting. His day of fun was ruined and the next morning he was back to being Mickey Milkovich.

Seeing Ian, shirtless had thrown him for a loop. He would’ve said something, given the man a look, one that conveyed his very forward thoughts. But then he saw Mandys’ truck down the road, he trusted his sister. She knew about Yev and she even knew about him and who he preferred to spend his time with. But he couldn’t risk her knowing about Ian, about who he was. The less people that knew, the better.

So, he did what he always did, he barely glanced at Ian and kept walking. He didn’t have to look back to know that Ian was upset. For months, he had been giving him the cold shoulder, and finally he had given him an inkling of what could come. He didn’t look back, just kept walking until he got into the truck. Mandy barely looked at him before driving off.

Learning about Tony Parella had been a shock. Mickey had never met him but knew the rumors. Rumors that he, like Mick, wasn’t the favorite and had a taste for things that gave his family a bad name. That certain taste usually lead Tony to using the merchandise rather than sell it, but he was a Parella, he was family. There was very little that he could do that would warrant a death sentence. Mickey knew, that it wasn’t a Parella that took out Tony and that knowledge formed a solid pit in his stomach.

Mickey knew that Tony had come to Chicago once before, with his uncle and brother. That’s when the relationship with the Milkovich family went south, he wasn’t sure how but he knows it did. He thinks about asking Joey or Colin, they would know but he can’t bring it up around Terry.

The meeting focuses mostly on damage control and what to do now that they’ve officially declared war with the Parella family. Nothing else is really said, mostly talked around the reasoning behind the assassination. Mickey can only guess it was to get information out of the kid, no matter what, it was stupid. They may be known in Chicago and the surrounding states but they are infants compared to the reach the Parellas have.

Mickey barely pays attention the rest of the meeting. He gets Yev today and he doesn’t want this to ruin it when he picks him up. He leaves quickly and gets to the gym feeling the need to hit somebody. So, when he’s stopped by a kid with a knife a few blocks away, he nearly takes the kids’ head off.

He’s skinny, looks about ready to fall over with one good gust of wind and he’s holding a knife out so shakily Mickey wants to laugh. He doesn’t, instead he looks at him and offers him a shower and a meal. He takes him to the gym so he can get his jacket. He sees the kids’ eyes widen at the name and seems to realize who Mickey is.

Mickey waves off his apology, focusing more on the vibrating cellphone in his pocket. He pulls it out reading the text that just came through from Lana. Yev has an early release, she wants to bring him early. He looks at the kid then back at his phone. He responds with a, _yes._ Then agrees to meet at their agreed upon spot.

He tells the kid, whose name he learns is Henry, to go and take a shower and change into something that isn’t dirty. He shows him to the extra clothes and shower stalls then leaves him to it. The gym only has a few kids in it, the kids who dropped out of school and a few of the trainers Mickey hired on a few years ago. He nods at his assistant manager, Kyle, who always opens whenever Mickey is forced into a family meeting or has to go see Yev.

Kyle goes to work with some of the kids, talking them through their warm ups and allowing Mickey to wait at the entrance to the locker room. He has to think of what he’s going to do with Yev. It’s the first time he’s bringing him into the city to stay with him. But what does he do about Henry? No one knows about Yev, he wants to keep it that way but he also knows that he can’t just leave this kid here without an orientation. He could technically ask Kyle to do it, but Mickey always gives the first orientation before letting the trainers take over. 

There’s an obvious solution, one that Mickey doesn’t always like to use. His stomach twists just thinking about it, but he weighs that feeling with the obvious danger of anyone knowing about Yev. He knows that with his last name comes an expected reaction. He saw the kid have it just a few moments ago, but he hates using it. He doesn’t want that kind of reputation at the gym. He wants to create a space that he didn’t have growing up. He’s not interested in being Terry.

He vowed when he first heard his sons’ heartbeat that he would do anything to protect him. He wasn’t going to stop doing that today. Once Henry gets out of the shower they make their way over to the L. Mickey tells him that they have to make a stop before lunch. The kid gets antsy and Mickey tells him to cool it.

He asks Henry questions about his life. He learns that he’s got a single mom and a little sister. They’re struggling for money, the kid thought the only way to get some was the hard way. Mickeys’ heard the story a million other times and a million different ways from plenty of kids at the gym. He makes a note that if this one decides to stay that he’ll need to take care and keep away from Terry.

“We’re going to pick up my son,” Mickey says.

Henrys’ head snaps up. “I didn’t know you had a son.”

Mickey looks him in the eye, not blinking and not faltering. He hopes he conveys everything he needs to when he says, “as far as you’re concerned, I still don’t.”

The kid sits back and stares at Mickey. He sees what he sees and nods. The rest of the journey is a lot easier now.

Once they get to their stop, it’s a few blocks away from the park where him and Lana decided to make the switch. Yev runs up to Mickey and the latter feels the warm glee spread through him at the sight of his son. He picks him up and squeezes him tight. He revels in how much he’s grown and sees that he’s missing a tooth. He laughs, loving how much of a kid he looks like still. He’s always worried that he’ll one day look up and he’ll be old and ready to move out to start a new life. He loves that Yev calls him, daddy, still.

Lana smiles at them but then shoots a look at Henry. Mickey shrugs, giving her an easy look that she takes and relaxes. Nothing to worry about.

* * *

He hears the fall before he sees it. He looks out the window, seeing Yev on the ground and bleeding and his heart stops. He’s almost out the door when he sees Ian, swooping in and saving the day. He watches as Yev talks to him, smiles with him, he watches as the man cleans up his son.

He can see the gentleness from here, the care he’s taking. He remembers earlier today, when he saw Ian and some blonde chick at the restaurant. He remembers Yev calling him out because of his hair and his heart stopped. At first, it was fear that Ian would look at him then Yev and connect the awful and bloody dots. He waited for the awkward eye contact and the even more awkward expectation. But it never came, Mickey watched as Ian pointedly kept his back turned and left without so much as a glance.

Even if it was a petty point, Mickey was grateful. He could pretend that his son was safe from CPD eyes and he could enjoy this lunch and the rest of the week with Yev. Now though, seeing Yev and Ian together made that pretending come to a halt. Every bit of anxiety was eased though, as he watched the other man patch up his son and laugh at his jokes.

He watches as Ian comes up the path and takes the time to admire the man. He hasn’t been able to do this without having the other man know. He’s effortlessly gorgeous, Mickey thinks. The red hair compliments his green eyes in a weird alien-like way and even the freckles are sexy as hell. He wonders if they’re everywhere on his body, he can see them on his face and arms. Do they travel down his back? His thighs? Elsewhere?

Ian gets to their floor so he lets the curtain go, shutting him out. For a moment, he doesn’t hear the sound of a lock or the door and he thinks that Ian is going to knock on his. But then he does hear Ians’ door open and he can’t tell if he’s disappointed or not, and that alone makes the decision for him.

* * *

He never thought it would feel like this after. Watching Ian sleep next to him, seeing him in the innocent morning light, he’s surprised by how much he enjoys this part of it. Last night was great, he was nervous the minute he stepped into Ians’ apartment and didn’t relax until he kissed Ian. He hadn’t realized how much he had wanted to until he was leaning in and doing it.

The way he tasted, the way he felt, the noises he made as Mickey casually undid him will live forever in his memory. He remembers the way Ian kissed him after, the way he had relished in the feeling, somehow more intimate than what they had just done. Mickey fell asleep, thinking suddenly that Ian had been his first kiss. Of course, it hadn’t been his first kiss ever, but it was the first that truly mattered. The first thing he thought, was that he wouldn’t mind him being his last.

He had felt so confident the night he went over after Yev went to sleep to talk to Ian. He had seen him grow red, saw it go straight to his ears and down below his shirt. Mickey almost made a move then and there. It knocked him on his ass, how much he wanted this with Ian. He had told the man that it was only going to happen once, but Mickey knew, even now that he wasn’t sure he could keep that promise.

He looks over at Ian, seeing the relaxed brow and soft snores coming out his mouth. Mickey smiles and runs a soft hand over his cheek. The man nuzzles into it, relaxing further into the bed. Mickey feels the arm around him tighten and he doesn’t feel constricted, only protected. It’s new and something he never realized he wanted, until right now.

He would stay there forever if he didn’t have to pee so badly. Plus, he remembers the mess they made on their way into the bedroom. He figures if he helps with that, he can convey without words how much last night meant. Who knows, maybe he would use words. Ian seems to be able to always pull those out of him.

After using the bathroom, he stops and looks at Ian one more time. The other man had grabbed the pillow Mickey had slept on and was holding it to his chest. Mickey smiles, and leaves the room. He starts by picking up the fallen files, not wanting to look, just throw them back into the box. That is, until he sees a familiar picture. Tony Parellas’ dead eyes stare at him, he realizes that Ian must be on this case and looking at the amount of file boxes that must include both families. He picks up the next file, of course, it’s his.

He sees the file with all of his past indiscretions and mistakes accompanied with a dazzling mugshot. It feels like a nightmare, staring at the past he’s worked so hard to get rid of. He has the gym and he feels proud of how he’s been able to turn that around while still keeping Terry happy. But now, he feels like a joke.

Ian must’ve seen this. He thinks about the nervousness from the other man. He had said it was because he couldn’t do casual, but Mickey had felt like there was more to that story and he guesses this was it. Mickey feels a pressure behind his eyes and closes them quickly. He drops the file and rushes back to the room, throwing on his clothes and leaving without looking back at Ian.

He’s at the door when he looks at the beer. He remembers the other man saying he doesn’t drink and makes the decision to grab it. He doesn’t want to think too deeply into what that means. He’ll lie to himself and say he grabbed it so he could get shitfaced while Yev was with Mandy, not so Ian would have to choose between drinking it and tossing it.

All he can think when he gets back to his apartment is what an idiot he is. Did he expect this to end any differently? Just because he had allowed himself a night with Ian, didn’t change their situation. Mickey was still a Milkovich and Ian was still a cop. A cop who was working a case against his family and the Parella family, apparently. There was no way that this could work, no universe where they line up. He knew Ian was a cop, he feared that this would be an issue and he has the audacity to be surprised when it blows up the exact way he thought it would.

It’s early but he cracks open a beer anyway. He chugs it before jumping into the shower. He scrubs until he can’t feel Ians’ hands on his body anymore.

* * *

This was stupid. Why didn’t he have Mandy drive him out of town? He has enough fakes, he could’ve used one and deflected the questions. But no, here he is, sitting next to his... neighbor? That doesn’t seem fitting anymore, no, his dream? God, that just sounded pathetic. He was sitting on Ians’ couch, listening to him work on the nasty cut above his eye.

He lied. He had told Ian that he barely remembers the fight, blacking out before it got too bad. But no, Terry never lets him blackout. He makes sure that he’s able to fully tear his victims apart before they feel the peace of silence. He didn’t get a chance to blackout. He remembers every hit, he remembers the kicks and he definitely remembers the words.

_“I hope it was good for you boy, because I’m about to beat it out of you.”_

_Smack._

_“You better hope I don’t find him, faggot. I’ll shoot him in front of you if I do.”_

_Kick._

It’s enough to give him nightmares for a week. He wants nothing more than to escape back into Ians’ bedroom and forget about Terry and his threats. But he knows that they aren’t just threats. Terry will kill Ian if he finds out it was him that Mickey had slept with. He sees Ians’ eyes fall to the hickeys again and the guilt that fills them. If he could, he would grab him into his arms tightly and tell him that it wasn’t his fault and that he would take a thousand beatings if it meant that Ian would continue to mark him.

Then Ian asks why Mickey came here tonight, he wishes he had an answer for him. He does, but it sounds too insane to say out loud. How does he say, to a man he barely knows, that being with him, both intimately and emotionally, makes him feel safer than he ever has before? How does he say that the other night meant more to him than he could ever say? He can’t so, he doesn’t. He gives him some bullshit logic answer that ignores everything his heart is telling him.

He lets Ian take care of him. He lets himself come to an agreement with Ian about their families. He allows himself to live in the moment before he is inevitably brought back to his reality. Mandy watches Ian like a hawk which Mickey finds amusing until it isn’t. Not when he’s walking back to his apartment and watching Ian watch him.

This isn’t fair, he thinks. And like the devil he is, he hears Terry in his head, clear as day, say, _life isn’t fair._

* * *

Mickey stands outside the small private practice debating on what to do. He wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t been so goddamn worried about the stupidly attractive ginger and his cagey behavior with the suspicious prescription. Sure, the man had said not to worry about it and that he was okay but Mickey couldn’t help but see the apprehension in Ians’ expression. For a cop, he’s a shitty liar, Mickey thinks and wishes he didn’t find it as amusing as he does.

That’s why he’s here, standing outside the practice Ian had left a few hours earlier. It was his first full day without Yev and Mickey had found it hard to concentrate at work knowing that his son wouldn’t be there when he got home. Then, he thought of who would be and found his mind straying to Ian and his many appointments and sketchy prescription bags.

He didn’t have a plan. He didn’t even have one when he first took down the information written on Ians’ prescription bag. He was concerned to see that they were sleeping pills, even if it was only two pills, but took note of the doctor that prescribed them. While at work, he researched who exactly Doctor Richard Yui was in the city of Chicago.

It’s what led Mickey to the South Side Medical Practice. It was one of the only reputable offices on this side of the city. The place that took the most basic health care packages and was actually filled with doctors that cared. A few kids at the gym came to the general physician in the practice so Mickey was familiar with the place.

He waits for a few more minutes, knowing that his window to get his answer is closing. The practice closes later than most but Dr. Yui closes his office at 5. It’s 4:30 now, but Mickey doesn’t know what he wants out of this. Maybe it’s because Ian seems to know so much about him, the ugly truths about growing up with Terry and Mickey only knows what Ian wants him to know. Is this a way to even the playing field?

Sure, he shrugs. That sounds perfectly reasonable, easily the most logical answer. He ignores the feeling in his chest that tells him the real reason he’s doing this. The reason that kept him distracted from work and had him walking out the door and to his very spot. He shakes his head back, attempting to rid it of those thoughts.

Taking quick strides, Mickey bursts his way into the lobby scaring the shit out of the receptionist. He turns to see the Docs’ office door is closed but there’s a voice coming through.

He points to it. “Is he with someone?”

The receptionist looks wildly, mouth agape.

Mickey snaps his fingers impatiently. “Hello? Yes or no, is the doctor available?”

“Yes but-” The woman stutters out, arms fluttering about, not knowing how to act in front of Mickey. She stands when she sees Mickey making his way to the door with Dr. Yui embossed on it.

“Great,” Mickey snaps as he yanks open the closed door and walks through it without any preamble. He hears the protests of the receptionist but doesn’t give a damn.

Dr. Yui startles when his door opens suddenly and drops the pen onto his desk. Mickey stands in front of him and blurts the first thing he can think of, “you’re taking care of Gallagher, right?” The question is not what he meant to ask. He had a plan, he thinks. He was supposed to come in and demand that this shrink tell him what’s up with Ian. It was supposed to be about leverage, not an actual question about his wellbeing.

The question surprises both of them and the doctor gets this weird look on his face. He looks Mickey up and down before smiling, which sets the other man on edge. Fuck, he thinks. He asked the wrong question and now he’s going to have to explain his way out of this. Dr. Yui nods the panicking receptionist away and waits for the door to close before speaking.

“Mickey, right?” Before Mickey can respond and promptly freak out, the doctor continues, “I’m afraid I can’t tell you about my patients. If you want to know about Ian, you should ask him.”

Mickeys’ brain skips right past the fact that Dr. Yui seems to know who he is without any further questions and settles on the uncomfortable feeling in his gut. The doctor is rightfully assuming that Mickey came to get information because he cares. He’s right, he suddenly realizes.

And it’s because he cares that he doesn’t want to know anything about Ian if it doesn’t come from him. Even if his brain is spinning with the fact that his entire plan went out the window the minute he saw Dr. Yui. He can picture Ian coming here, sitting in this very office and telling the shrink about everything going on in his life.

He shakes his head, deciding to focus on the illogical reason for why he’s here. “I didn’t ask for information on him. I’m making sure that he’s okay, that you’re watching him.”

It’s a fear he’s had since he saw the effect their relationship clearly had on the other man. Ian might not be very forthcoming about his health, but Mickey could read his face clearly, and the distress had been obvious for the past week. He doesn’t know why Ian comes here or how often, but he hopes it works for him. He hopes it’s a safe space for him. Similar to the one Mickey created in his apartment.

Dr. Yui seems to be impressed by this. He sits back in his seat. “Why do you want to know?”

Mickey wants to scream, this guy is sitting here, clearly wasting time when all he needs is a simple answer. “Don’t be fucking dense, Doc. I just want to know if you’re watching his back.”

“I’m not being dense, but before I answer your question I need to know why the answer is so important to you.”

Mickey pauses. He’s right, he’s given no reason for anyone to trust him, not even Ian. Sure, there’s their mutual agreement to not blab about each other’s families but they haven’t given each other any other reason for trust. Mickey thinks about why this guy matters to him, aside from their night together, he thinks it’s because there’s something there that Mickey recognizes. It’s what drew him to Ian and what made him want to stay the morning after their date.

“He deserves someone to look after him, okay?”

Dr. Yui stares at Mickey for a bit longer, seeming to come to a conclusion with Mickeys’ answer. He nods while keeping eye contact and Mickey takes that as a win. He’s walking out when the doctor stops him.

“Why can’t that someone also be you, Mickey?”

He holds himself there, in the air with the doc and his question. He shakes his head, it’s an obvious answer, because Mickey could ruin Ian and that’s the last thing he wants to do. The other man can get out, can start a life free of the bullshit of the south side. Mickey is trapped, he refuses to do that to Ian, not when he’s so close to getting out. He leaves without saying anything to the doctor, not wanting to admit that he is clearly not good enough for Ian. It’s obvious but he shouldn’t have to say it out loud. 

He takes the long way home, thinking about what he’s learned about Ian. He was hoping that meeting the doctor would help. It did help, knowing that Ian had someone who knew what they were doing put Mickey at ease. However, he can’t help but feel the hole in his chest that’s been steadily growing bigger since he left Ians’ apartment that morning. Mickey thinks he knows how to fix it, but he also thinks it’s an incredibly selfish decision.

Before he knows it, he’s standing at the gate to his apartment complex. He stares at it, knowing that the time has come to make the decision. He’s made them before, choosing between two very obvious paths in front of him. Every choice has gotten him some solace, one brought him Yev, the other the gym, now here’s this one.

The decision is made when he bypasses his own front door. He doesn’t hesitate to knock on the next one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think? Should I write from Mickey POV more often? It'll be back to Ian for the next few chapters, probably won't do another Mickey chapter until later, maybe the epilogue. 
> 
> It's looking like this fic will be about twenty chapters, I've started writing chapter fourteen and I've outlined chapter fifteen. Y'all, buckle up because I really tried to cut out most of the filler chapters. Once the story turns, it turns and you can expect something every chapter pretty much! 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed reading this chapter. I love Mickey Milkovich and I love how much Ian Gallagher loves him and how much they love each other. 
> 
> See you guys next week! Maybe sooner, if I'm feeling extra productive with my writing :) I'm starting to plan out another story too! So once I'm done with this one I'll dive right into that one!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this was late y'all! I've been helping my parents pack up their house to get ready to move and I lost track of the days. Enjoy the fluff and the closest thing I get to writing smut (for now, at least). 
> 
> I love to see Mickey make the big moves, I think that's my favorite part of the show is when he takes the big chance (especially on Ian). I love this brave boy!
> 
> Also, what is the formatting? Sorry y'all, I think I'm always going to be helpless on this.

Ian is getting really tired of people knocking on his front door. He’s in the middle of cooking dinner when he hears the noise. He doesn’t look through the peephole, so when he opens the door to see Mickey, he’s surprised. The man doesn’t wait for an invitation, he just barges into Ians’ living room.

Ian laughs bitterly. He remembers their last conversation at the park, and still wants to talk to Mickey, but he’s really not in the mood right now. He just spent the last two days feeling hungover from his sleeping pills and he finally feels better and rested.

He’s about to tell Mickey to leave but his words are swallowed up by Mickey kissing him. Ian feels the other mans’ hands come up to his face and he sinks into the feeling. He forgets every word he’s ever known and kicking this man out is the furthest thought from his mind. Mickey walks them back, letting Ian close the door with his body. It turns chaotic soon, no rhyme or reason behind the motions, just following the other and doing what feels good. And yet, they both take their time, not wanting this to come to an end anytime soon.

Ian moves his hands down over Mickeys’ body, relishing in the way it responds. He reaches his hands up the dark-haired mans’ back, getting underneath the t-shirt that’s only in the way at this point. Ian works it over Mickeys’ head, while they disconnect Ian takes the time to marvel at the man in front of him. His job as a boxing coach has paid off, he’s not ripped but he’s strong and built. Mickey pulls at Ians’ shirt while sucking on his neck.

Ian rips it off quickly, not wanting to delay Mickeys’ mouth. Before he latches back on, the man pauses and looks up at Ian. “Marks?”

The question means so much. Both men are very much aware of what happened the last time marks were left. Ian knows that if there are marks left then he’ll have to explain where they came from, normally this isn’t an issue but now that Karen knows the truth it will be hard to avoid that. However, the more Ian thinks about Karen and her opinions, the less he cares.

The red-headed man nods and revels in how fast Mickey gets to it. He sucks at the base of Ians’ throat, near his collarbone. Ian let’s his hands track the marks on the other mans’ back. He had felt them once before, but was pulled away before he could commit them to memory. There are some that are flat, only able to distinguish them from skin based on the scars’ roughness, there’s one near the band of Mickeys’ boxers. Some are raised but smooth, Ian finds those on his sides, under the ribs. Then there are ones that are the toughest, they’re clearly the ones with the hardest story. They sit raised and rough, there’s one near Mickeys’ shoulder blade and Ian finds himself running a hand along this one the most. He’s read some of the reports from cops and CPS but he doesn’t know all the details.

He wants to know whatever Mickey will tell him. He wants to listen to every detail while simultaneously kissing away the pain anyone has ever caused the man to have, if Mickey will allow. He traces the short lines, the bumps, Ian is familiar with the shape some wounds take but the stories form their own, both physical and emotional, and those are the ones he cares about.

Mickeys’ teeth scratches at the sensitive skin and Ian lets out a noise that seems too loud for the room. It seems to jar them out of their slow pace, everything happens at once. Ian turns them so Mickey is against the door, both of their zippers are down and Ian reaches his hand around to get Mickey ready. The man nods and allows for Ian to slip a finger into him. He remembers doing this last time, going at the pace both men had set and listening as Mickey had begged for more. He does that now, only releasing his pleas in the form of his name.

_Ian_

_Ian_

_Ian_

Ian would set the world on fire to hear this played on loop.

He adds another and feels Mickeys’ hands curl into his shoulders, leaving marks that Ian will admire later. The noises are sinful and it doesn’t take long for Mickey to pull Ians’ hand away. They stare at each other once more, feeling the glorious tension fill the room. It’s so different than the last time they were here, Ian patching Mickey up and their future together feeling so far away and impossible.

Ian seems to realize, all of a sudden, that he has nothing with him. No protection, no lube, nothing to make Mickey feel as good as possible. Mickey figures it out along with Ian and starts to shake his head at the face Ian is giving him. “It’s fine, Ian, don’t worry about it.”

Ian gives him a look and they both seem to remember the first time they had sex and how long it had taken for Mick to get used to his size. It had turned out pleasurable but Ian didn’t want to ruin this by acting prematurely.

He kisses the mans’ cheek whispering against it, “stay here.”

Mickey whines as he pulls away, rushing back to his bedroom to grab what they need. The sound only makes him travel faster, actively trying not to trip and ruin the moment. He finds the supplies quickly, in the same drawer he placed them in after using them with Mickey last. He remembers that night, the unsureness that lead to something pretty spectacular, the after and the feeling of comfort that washed over both men. Now, it’s like returning home from a long vacation, that first night contained multiple rounds of sex that each taught them something new about the other. This time, they would be able to use what they had learned. A confidence that had sparked an even more dangerous tension in the room.

This feeling has him bounding back to Mickey like a Labrador. He knows he looks like an idiot with his jeans open and slipping down his thighs but he doesn’t care. Not when he sees Mickey looking absolutely wrecked, leaning against the door.

His face must read his thoughts clearly because Mickeys’ eyes darken and he grabs at Ians shoulders again. His nails dig into the divots already there and Ian hisses in pleasure. He goes to slip the condom on but Mickey slaps his hand away and does it for him quickly. He feels the pressure from Mickeys’ hands and nearly finishes there, especially when he gives a quick squeeze at the base. He lets out, “asshole,” but it’s weak and covered by his moan. Mickey laughs and motions for Ian to get on with it.

He does, coating himself in lube before he wraps his hand around one of Mickeys’ thighs. He lifts it, giving himself a better angle. Mickey wraps his arms around Ians’ neck and pushing his face into his neck. Ian holds Mickeys’ thigh in one hand and braces his other on the door.

It’s quick, rough but the same feeling of belonging comes back. The same feeling of home, of wanting to be nowhere but here, and wanting to kill anyone who dared to take this away from them. As their bodies’ rut together Ian feels all the doubt from the last week leave his body. He doesn’t think about the families, he doesn’t think about work, he doesn’t think about Karens’ face as she made him promise to be smart.

No, he thinks only of Mickey and the noises he makes as Ian works himself into him. Mickey is begging for more, asking for it all. Their sounds molding together, like their bodies, becoming one and indistinguishable.

_Ian_

_Mickey_

_Ian_

_Mickey_

_IanandMickey_

_MickeyandIan_

_IanMickeyIanMickeyIanMickey_

The pleas never grow louder than a whisper but it’s loud enough for it fill the room and both mens’ ears. Mickey tightens his arms around Ians’ neck, biting into the sensitive flesh at the base, it doesn’t hurt, only has him continuing at a harder pace. The shorter man, shudders and releases a quiet, “please”.

Ian complies, thinking that once this is over, once their sweat dries and their breathing calms, Ian would also gladly give him everything else. He’ll give him all of his secrets, all of his time, his life. Nothing else matters except keeping Mickey Milkovich in his arms.

* * *

They breathe heavily together against the door. They must be a sight, Ian thinks. Leaning against each other with both of their pants pushed to their thighs, shirts strewn on the floor next to them. Ian moves slowly out and releases the thigh from his hold. This elicits a hiss from Mickey. Ian pulls up his jeans quickly before sinking to his knees.

Mickeys’ eyes though completely gone and fucked, widen at the sight of Ian kneeling below him. He raises a beautiful eyebrow in the air, almost like they’re still connected, he can translate that perfectly to, you’re not done? Ian only shakes his head, smiling at the silliness. He caresses the soft skin of Mickeys’ thighs, slowly adding more pressure as he massages the sore muscles. Mickey leans his head against the door and sighs, relaxing and allowing Ian to take care of him.

Ian kisses the other mans’ thighs softly, trying to keep it chaste but seeing Mickey like this, only incites Ian to take Mickey into his mouth and go another round. He knows that Mickey would be up for it, he can see it in his eyes. But Ian wants to talk, this isn’t just sex. They’ll have plenty of time for that later, he thinks. He pulls up Mickeys’ boxers and jeans, buttons them and stands.

Mickey is looking at him with a dreamy gaze and Ian smiles. He grabs Mickeys’ wrists, rubbing his thumbs. They stare at each other silently. It’s not uncomfortable, they seem to relax together, letting their bodies lean against each other. Ian relishes in the warmth the other man brings and moves his hands to wrap around Mickeys’ waist.

“Hi,” he murmurs softly. He places his forehead against Mickeys’. It feels silly to just now be saying hello, especially when everything that preceded it felt like a hello. Ian giggles and does something so incredibly gay, he rubs his nose against Mickeys’, testing the waters. The other man gives him a look but reciprocates anyway, sending a wave of butterflies into Ians’ stomach.

The other man releases an easy smile. “Sorry to just barge in,” he says.

Ian shakes his head. “Don’t be. I’m glad you’re here.”

Mickey shrugs. “Still, that wasn’t what I was planning to happen.”

That, Ian is sure of but he smiles anyway. He is so glad that whatever it was didn’t go according to plan.

“What? Me, fucking you against my door?”

He is so surprised to see a blush fill the other mans’ cheeks that he can’t help but let out a loud laugh. This causes Mickey to laugh as well and they both stand there, the bubbles in their chest growing.

They overflow, creating a giddiness that both men haven’t felt in a long time. Ian can’t help but marvel at the comfort he feels with this man even with the obvious obstacles. He’s coming to realize that the anxiety he has felt the last few days has stemmed from his lack of care. He no longer cares about the hurdles or the societal norms keeping them away. He cares about the man laughing freely in his arms. He cares about keeping him this happy and free.

Their laughter stops and Ian steps away, leading them down the hallway. He sees his forgotten dinner, the leftover Chinese sitting on the counter. He stops and motions at it, a silent offer for Mickey, who shakes his head and keeps gently pushing him to the bedroom.

They strip silently, down to their boxers, and crawl into the bed together. Ian lays on his back and pulls Mickey on top of him. They take a deep breath, finding peace in their new position. They let it sit, and while they both want it to stay like this they know they need to talk.

Ian takes the first jump, “I am glad you’re here,” he starts. “But I do want to know why.”

Mickey turns his head into the other mans’ chest and inhales. “I don’t want to let this go.”

Ians’ face splits into a grin and he kisses the other mans’ head. He agrees and leaves it at that. He knows while they’re here in this apartment they’re safe and that’s all he cares about. He won’t look a gift horse in the mouth and he won’t push Mickey away by making him talk about shit that can wait. Everything can wait until Mickey is ready.

Except food apparently.

Ians’ stomach growls loudly which Mickey laughs at. He can’t get over listening to the man laugh. He wants that sound to live on in his head, he’s convinced it would drag him out of any depressive episode.

They eat standing in the kitchen, Mickey steals all the noodles but he never stops leaning against Ian so he takes it as a win. Everything is quiet and calm. That is, until Ians’ phone rings and it’s Murphy texting him about a meeting he needs to be at on Monday. The bubble bursts instantly. Mickey moves away and occupies him with cleaning up the take-out boxes. Ian watches this and hates it.

“I can turn it off,” he offers.

Mickey turns an eyebrow at him and hums noncommittally. It’s a double meaning, Ian knows. The only thing is, he isn’t sure he’ll be able to turn it off. He _wants_ to, definitely. But knowing how easily he can and will fall for this man, he’ll do whatever it takes to protect him. He’ll do what he needs to get justice for him. Ian knows that’s putting Terry behind bars and throwing away the key. He knows it’s being a cop that will do this. But he also knows that being a cop could drive Mickey away from him. 

“We both can,” he offers more insistently this time, trying so hard to believe that.

He steps up to the shorter man, grabbing his shoulders and pulling him impossibly close.

“Please, Mick. Please trust me.” _Please take this unknown step with me, please try with me, please,_ it goes unsaid yet heard by the other man.

Mickey sighs but he’s nodding and throwing his arms around Ians’ waist. “I do.”

Ian releases a breath. He knew what the man felt for him, he’s felt it so many times and this evening just cemented it. But he also knows that what one feels isn’t always enough, sometimes that has to take a backseat in order to protect yourself. Ian gets it, it’s why he has to assure Mickey while he’s here in his arms. He has to give him a reason to never leave. “When we’re here, it’s Ian and Mickey only.”

Mickey hums. “I like the sound of that, only us. No work?”

Ian shakes his head. “We leave it at the door. This is our place, no one else’s.”

They lean their heads up and meet in the middle for a kiss. It’s the softest one they’ve shared yet, the promise of protection between them.

* * *

Once they eat, they do sit and talk more in detail about the rules they set up for eachother. They want this to be a safe space and they have to communicate what that means for the both of them. They decide that their phones will stay on the table by the front door. The sounds will be on, in case Yev calls or anyone from Ians’ family. Ian won’t talk about work, Mickey won’t talk about family meetings and they ignore the fact that there is a giant federal case looming over their heads.

It works. For now, it works. Ian had offered to block any conversation relating to Terry, thinking that Mickey would take it but he didn’t. They were back in the bedroom, on the bed and Mickey shook his head, surprising Ian.

“You already know so much,” he trails off and Ian becomes acutely aware of the case files sitting a few feet away at his desk.

He feels the need to apologize so he does.

Mickey shakes his head, again. “You couldn’t control it. But, eventually, I’d like to tell you my side.”

He looks so terrified, not looking at Ian directly but at their clasped hands resting on his chest. He can’t have that so he pulls him in and kisses the shorter mans’ forehead. “Whenever you’re ready,” he agrees.

Mickey smiles, grateful and snuggles further into Ians’ chest, if that’s even possible. But Mickey tries and Ian lets him, encourages even. He would crack open his chest and let Mickey live there for the rest of his life if he could. He loves how he continues to discover more about the man above him, the small secrets that keep getting revealed into something more and something so intriguing.

Ian knows that as much as he wants to know about Mickeys’ past, he doesn’t want to ruin this feeling in the room. The feeling that radiates from the both of them, but mostly from Mickey as his eyes close and his breathing evens out. His heart nearly bursts into a million pieces as he sees this man fully relax into him, even knowing the power that Ian has. He won’t use it, could never use it, never against Mickey. But he marvels at him, knowing what this means for him, to trust someone enough to sleep soundly with them.

Ian stays quiet and listens to Mickey breathe above him. It’s not a deep sleep, but it’s the first time he’s seen him this calm. He tries not to move, he doesn’t want to, just wants to admire the view.

He’s so gone, Ian thinks. He is so gone for Mickey Milkovich and ready to allow himself to continue the plunge and not look back once. The man shifts, grunting something unheard and a frown makes its way onto his face.

Ian lifts his hand and runs it over Mickeys’ brow line, smoothing out the folded skin. He smiles, of course Mickey frowns in his sleep. His face relaxes, but Ian continues his pets. He goes further, allowing his hand to rake through the hair that’s fallen onto Mickeys’ forehead. The man shudders then relaxes again but Ian doesn’t stop his movements.

Mickeys’ hand comes up and bats gently at Ian, making the latter laugh. Mickey doesn’t say anything but his lips tilt at the sound of the laugh. He ignores the other mans’ feeble attempts to get him to stop and continues to lightly pet Mickeys’ face and hair. A hand comes up and smacks Ians’ head but Mickeys’ eyes remain closed. Ian laughs, loving the challenge. Those eyes are worth every challenge, he thinks. 

Ian begins to shift his body down the mattress and down the other mans’ body. He doesn’t seem to like this, because he frowns and makes what, Ian will always remember and Mickey will always deny, as a whine. Ian begins to nip at Mickeys’ neck, lightly as to not leave any marks and slithers further down. But before he can, two strong hands grab onto his waist, stilling his movements.

Looking up, Ian sees two blue eyes staring down at him. Mickey might be frowning but there is a clear teasing look in his eyes. Ian smiles innocently up at him which of course the other doesn’t buy.

“You ever heard of a fuckin’ nap, man?”

Ian giggles (“that’s fuckin’ gay man” “seriously, Mick, my dick was in your ass a minute ago”), feeling more and more mischievous by the second. “I’d rather talk to you.” He shrugs.

Mickey raises an eyebrow and motions to their new position. “This is talking?”

Ian wiggles, feeling every part of their bodies touch, some coming to life quicker than others. “No this is what I like to call a wakeup call,” he says lowly, shrugging his eyebrows up and down.

Mickey does laugh at that, “a hell of a wakeup call.” He teases but kisses Ian quickly to make up for it.

He accepts the kiss happily, it stays chaste, nowhere for it to go among all the laughter. He pulls back and Mickey sighs dramatically before rolling off Ian. He lays on his back and allows for Ian to roll with him. He stops on his side, perching his head on his hand.

The dark-haired man raises an eyebrow. “What did you want to talk about, Red?”

“You.”

Mickey snorts. “You gotta be a little more specific.”

Ian sighs dramatically but playfully, the other man isn’t amused, at least not outwardly but Ian can see the twitch of a smile and the twerk of an eyebrow.

“Tell me about the gym, why you wanted it.”

There’s an understandable hesitancy. Ian wants to know anything he can, but not because of his job, in fact, he wants to know everything in order to protect Mickey from his job. Even though Mickey is no way in danger of going to prison, Ian knows that the feds will do whatever it takes to put Terry away and that includes screwing Mickey.

Mickey pauses to study Ian which the latter allows, leaving his face open for those blue eyes to search. He apparently finds nothing because he clears his throat and rolls his shoulders back. Even though there’s an obvious connection from Terry to the gym, Mickey lights up when he talks about it.

“I wanted it because I knew what I could turn it into,” he starts. He isn’t looking at Ian anymore, but rather at the ceiling. His eyes look faraway, telling the memory as it replays in his mind. “Yev was on the way at that point and I wanted to make sure that I was going to be able to support him and Lana. Anyway, it was supposed to go to Iggy-obviously that didn’t work out- so I made a move for it. He almost didn’t agree, but it was because of Joey, believe it or not, that convinced him.”

His eyes grow hard, something in his mind that fogs up the happy energy they’ve worked to create. Ian reaches out to run his hand down his eyebrows again. Mickeys’ face clears and he shoots a fond look at him.

“Joey said that I was the best fighter out of all of us. Ironically, I’m really good because of Terry constantly beating the shit out of me, fucking had to be a good fighter.” He snorts, finding it bitterly ironic and Ian wants to use his gold detective shield to kill Terry Milkovich. Mickey sees this and takes Ians’ free arm and wraps it around his waist. He changes the tone quickly, moving on to more important parts of the story.

“Once I got the gym in my name, I completely changed everything I could. Terry made his demands, kept an eye on my fighters who were the biggest, most ruthless. I made sure to hide the more vulnerable ones without making too much of a scene, it works.”

They pause, both knowing why Terry was interested in the biggest fighters at the gym. Terry could hold his own, maybe against his youngest son or a defenseless woman, but against anyone else, he needed protection.

“Tell me about your fighters,” Ian says.

“Well, the kids that come in are either a Terry in training or they’re terrified of the south side. I oversee all the training but I like to personally work with all the new students, make sure they’re acclimating well and all that.”

Ian thinks of the kid who was with him at the Greek place and how Mickey was with him. He was so calm and understanding. Knowing Mickey the way he does, this doesn’t surprise Ian but he can understand when someone who only knows the Milkovich name is shocked to see how Mickey talks to his fighters.

Mickey must remember the same kid and fills Ian in. “Henry, is our newest kid. He’s good, scrappy, but good.” Ian smirks, feeling like Henry isn’t the only scrappy fighter at Tough Guy Gym. “He’s uh, he’s got a single mom who’s struggling so he’s the newest member of our janitorial staff. I pay him in cash, so there’s no trail and no taxes, they need all they can get.”

He sits up a little suddenly and points a finger at Ian. “Shit, you didn’t hear that.”

Suddenly Ian wants to laugh, so he does. He finds the whole thing ridiculous, Mickey is telling him about a gym that is connected to a big player in the Midwestern trafficking ring and he’s worried about a kid he’s paying off the books? He gives Mickey a look which has him deflating and laughing too.

“Shut up, man. He’s a good kid, they don’t need any heat.”

Ian nods, finding it absolutely endearing that Mickey chooses to worry about the kid rather than his own skin. “I get it, you gotta stand up for the underdog,” Mickey nods. “That’s hot,” he teases.

Mickey rolls his eyes but comes back smiling. He takes Ians’ face in his hands. “I’ll show you hot, Red.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think? I enjoyed writing this chapter so I hope you enjoyed reading it! I promise to be on time with the next update, I should be back home by then so I shouldn't have to keep you guys waiting! 
> 
> Also, you guys have really blown my mind with the amount of love you've given me for this story. Every comment, kudos, bookmark leaves me absolutely speechless. Thank you guys so much, I've been meaning to respond to your comments and let you know how much I appreciate them! 
> 
> Thank you again, I hope you liked this chapter and I can't wait for you to read the next few! :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Friends!!! 
> 
> How were everyone's holidays? Are we finally getting back to normal? Or, as normal as 2021 can be? 
> 
> Thank you so much for your support over the last few weeks. Seeing your comments and kudos and bookmarks have kept me going the past few days and every time I sit down to write, I write for you guys along with myself. Now, I'm asking not only how I want my story to go but how I think you guys want it to as well. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, it's a perfect example of shit hitting the fan. 
> 
> ENJOY!

Ians’ relationship with Mickey continues uninterrupted for a blissful three weeks. His apartment quickly becomes their own personal bubble. Every night, Ian gets home from work and takes a bit of notes before

storing his case files aside and out of sight under his desk. Mickey tends to get there a few hours after him, sometimes earlier if he gets someone else to close the gym for him.

They either order take-out or Ian will let Mickey cook for them, testing out any new recipes he may want to show Yev. They’re all healthy, so Ian is grateful and happy to be a test subject. They occasionally go to Mickeys’ if they want a change of scenery. Ian loves these nights, he loves seeing the space that Mickey has made unabashedly his. It’s filled with pieces of him and Yev, mostly selfies that were taken during their time together. There are a few pictures with a woman who Ian presumes to be Yevs’ mother.

He doesn’t know much about her, only that her and Mickey are good friends and that she doesn’t come to Chicago in order to protect Mickey and Yev. Ian wants to point out that she would make the perfect beard for him, but Mickey never stays on the topic long enough for him to be able to. Ian knows he does this on purpose, he’ll always talk about Yev but keeps Svetlana close to the chest. He knows there has to be a story why, one that Mickey tells no one, and Ian has to respect that. Even if the curiosity does bother him a lot.

Svetlana is gorgeous, that’s easy to see. She has the same color hair as Yev and it’s clear in the pictures of them that they all love each other. It surprised Ian at how little jealousy he felt when he thought of the woman. Maybe it’s because of how Mickey is with him, how open about his sexuality and how it’s clear that Lana is who Mickey says she is, Yevs’ mother. But he also thinks it’s because of how much he trusts the other man.

Ian even gave him a key to his apartment. For emergencies, he had said but both men know the seriousness of the exchange. Mickey never needs to use it, but after seeing how many things he leaves at Ians’ apartment, he wants to be safe rather than sorry.

Ian loves waking up with Mickey, loves that he’s the first and last thing he sees every day. Of course, there are nights that they don’t spend together. It’s usually because of work, Ian staying late to finish up case notes and Mickey to finish up paperwork at the gym. They never talk about work, Ian asks about the new fighters, but that’s about it. Mickey asks about Ians’ family, listening as he relays how Tami is doing, being close to popping out the newest Gallagher. He listens as Ian talks about Debbie and Carl, both living the dream at college and both making it further than any of their siblings (“hey, not all of their siblings” “thanks, Mick”).

He even offered some parenting advice when Ian talked about Lip calling him early one morning to talk about his fears with being a dad. Ian made sure to convey how appreciative of that he was, they didn’t even eat dinner that night, not having the time between rounds spent in Ians’ bed.

There was one weekend where Mickey surprised Ian and took him to go pick up Yev after school. Ian had left work early after a text asking him to come to dinner with them. It was an easy yes, they borrowed Mandys’ truck and drove to pick up Yev and bring him to dinner and ice cream. The boy had been so excited and couldn’t stop talking Ians’ ear off about skateboarding and anything that popped into his brain.

They had gone to a simple restaurant, one that Mickey and Yev often frequented whenever the older man came into town. They had been halfway through dinner, Ian and Yev on one side of the booth with Mickey on the other, when Yev had simply asked, “are you two boyfriends now?”

Both men had stopped, allowing the question to hang in the air. They hadn’t labeled it, but Ian had just assumed that they were. Neither of them were sleeping with other people and seemed pretty committed to making their arrangement work. But Ian had been slow to label it one because of how limited they were in their relationship. It didn’t bother Ian, not being able to go on dates to a bar or to a restaurant, but it did have him doubt if they were able to call themselves boyfriends if they hadn’t ventured out into the world together.

Mickey seemed to be having this exact same thought as he tried to answer his son but came up blank. Both men looked at each other, Ian was no help and merely shrugged. But Yev seemed to understand, he waved off both of them and said, “it’s okay, I get it.”

Ian laughed and threw his arm around Yev because Mickey looked ready to cry with relief. It was after they drop Yev off at home when Mickey drove to an abandoned parking lot and pulled Ian into the backseat with him.

“C’mon I want to thank my boyfriend.”

Mickey literally blew Ian away that night.

Spending time with Yev seems to change the air around them the next week. Their touches are more charged, words mean more and their time is more precious. Ian doesn’t know how to define it, until one day he does. It’s so simple, he has long since accepted that he has no control over his feelings for Mickey. It shouldn’t be a shock that they’ve come to a peak. 

Ever since they agreed to do this, he knew that it was only a matter of time until he was in deep and unable to get out. He feels it first when they are making dinner, causally moving around each other in Ians’ kitchen. It’s something he could see them doing for the rest of their lives, and it both excites him and scares him.

He texts Yui about it, plainly asking if it’s normal to fall in love after only knowing someone for less than a month. His therapist, always the asshole merely sends back, _it depends on your definition of normal._ Ian rolls his eyes and responds with, _never mind._

He doesn’t run from it, though, instead he lets it sit with him and it doesn’t take long for him to accept his feelings for the other man. It’s when they wake up one morning, Ian before Mickey, and he’s able to see how Mickey wakes up. It starts with an ear twitch, so small he misses it sometimes but then it’s the eyebrows. They lift up and then settle into a frown that Mickey wears throughout the day. After his brows settle, his mouth twitches and he swallows before finally opening his eyes.

Watching him, Ian thinks, _of course I’m falling in love with Mickey. How could I not be?_ It’s easy then, to live with the constant warmth that now sits in his chest. He tries to convey it every time he’s with Mickey. He puts it in the coffee he makes for them, he puts it in the goodbye kiss they share before going to work and he puts it in the key he slides into Mickeys’ hand. 

Ian has never been happier. So of course, life has to come and fuck it right up. 

* * *

It happens the Monday after Ian realizes his feelings for his boyfriend. Ian hasn’t seen Mickey since Saturday evening, knowing that both of them had work to do on Sunday and promised to have dinner Monday. Sunday was okay, he had slept fine, it had allowed him space to think over his newly defined feelings for Mickey. He goes into work excited, feeling good. That is, until he sits down and Bowing immediately comes over to his desk.

“Gallagher, I need you in interrogation with me.”

He stands, surprised that the agent is asking him. “Where’s Harvey?” He asks, quickly grabbing some notes and a pen. Bowing is walking away, so Ian has to jog to catch up.

“He’s going to be watching from behind the glass. He’s been working with Milkovich since yesterday, time to send in the good cops.”

The name makes him want to stop dead. “Which Milkovich?” He hopes he sounds casual, but he hopes more that he finds Terry sitting in interrogation instead of who he thinks it is.

Bowing stops in front of interrogation one. “See for yourself,” he says opening the door.

His stomach nearly drops out of his body. Mickey is sitting at the table, looking run down and exhausted. His head snaps up at the sound of the door and when he sees Ian his eyes widen and he looks murderous. He covers the anxiety well, quickly moving his eyes to Bowing and keeping his gaze with all its’ heat there. But Ian knows, he knows some of that anger is directed at him. He can see it in the way at Mickey purposefully doesn’t look at him. 

“What the fuck?” He yells, throwing his hands in the air.

Bowing pushes Ian in and follows, shutting the door. “Sorry to make you wait, Mr. Milkovich. This is Detective Gallagher, he’ll be sitting in on this interview.” There’s an odd smile on his face that Ian can’t decipher. Agent Bowing nods at him and he takes out his chair on the opposite side of the table as his boyfriend. Agent Bowing remains standing, leaning against the back wall.

Mickey shoots Ian a cold glare as he sits. The dark-haired man spits out, “I don’t care, I’ve been here since last night man, what game are you playing?”

It’s clear how tired he is, there are bags under his eyes and his clothes look rumpled. Ian notices that Mickey is wearing one of his shirts and he would find this endearing if the man wasn’t looking at him like the traitor he certainly feels like.

“No game, Mr. Milkovich, just an opportunity,” Bowing says. “An opportunity I think you might be interested in.”

Ians’ stomach clenches as Bowing lays out the files on Tony Parella and Terry Milkovich. One being a mug shot, the other being pictures of a dead man staring up at him. He sees Mickey glance at them but looks back at the agent sitting across from him. Ian knows now, that this is the approach to see if Mickey wants to flip on his family. There had been talks, but aside from what Karen had told him weeks ago, he hadn’t learned anything new. He really thought they were going to approach Mandy, her record is cleaner than Mickeys’ and she makes a better victim being a woman.

“Do you recognize these photos Mr. Milkovich?”

Mickey snorts. “I see my pops, I don’t know the stiff.”

Bowing hums and it makes Ian want to punch him in the face. “The _stiff_ is Anthony Parella, member of the Parella family based in New York, maybe you’ve heard of them.”

There’s silence and Ian watches, like a tennis match, both Bowing and Mickey. The latter sucks on his teeth, studying Bowing. “What’s your point agent?” He asks mockingly.

“My point is, that this young man was killed a month ago, and his murder is directly tied to your father.”

That’s a bluff, the whole reason they need a flip is to prove the connection between the two families. Ian isn’t shocked that Bowing lied, they do it all the time in order to get confessions but this lie could directly impact his relationship with Mickey. The fact that they’re in this position is already terrifying Ian enough to want to just walk out of the room. He tries to get Mickeys’ attention, to show him that they have nothing against him, that they’re after Terry but the other man keeps his eyes down.

“Well, Terry is a shitty human being,” Mickey starts.

“Then help us put him away.” Bowing finishes.

Mickey pauses and glances at Ian. It’s quick, but he can see the betrayal in his eyes, it grows just like the tension in his shoulders. He is slowly becoming the closed off man he met all those months ago when he first moved in. Ian thinks about the progress both men have made since meeting and coming together, and he hates that it was all torn apart in one day.

“I don’t think you assholes understand here,” he says glancing at Ian once again. “My dad runs the fucking family. You do one thing he doesn’t like and your life is over. I would know, I do plenty of things he doesn’t like.”

There’s another look at Ian, which Bowing seems to pick up on because he also glances at Ian. He raises an eyebrow, silently asking a question that Ian doesn’t try to decipher. Mickey sits back and looks at his shoes. Ian looks at the file in front of him, feigning indifference. They have to stop looking at each other, Ian already feels uncomfortable with Bowings’ knowing looks and questioning eyebrows. He doesn’t need any actual questions coming his way about Mickey.

“I think I do understand, Mickey. I’ve been studying families like yours for quite a while. I’ve even been studying your family, they don’t seem that different to me.”

Both of their heads snap up. Ian starts to think back on how he and Mickey have been living in their own personal bubble. He’s been so arrogant to think that no one could have figured out what they’ve been up to. Except the FBI, he thinks. They have all the resources to sit out and watch one persons’ life. They easily could’ve seen Ian and he interact in the last few months.

Oh God, what have they seen the last few weeks? Not even them going back and forth between each other’s apartments, but what about when Mickey came to Ian all bloody and broken? What about when Ian met Yev and vowed to Mickey to protect the both of them? Ian feels sick and is thinking of a way to exit the interrogation as quickly as possible when Mickey speaks again.

“Fuck you if you think that by reading my file gives you any insight into my life. You don’t know shit, that file doesn’t cover half of what I’ve been through. My life is finally something I can enjoy, I’m not going to ruin that by being your fucking guinea pig.”

Ian grows red, knowing that this is a dig at him and only him. They both know what Ian knows, but still the past month has only been filled with information that doesn’t cross between their two lives. Mickey hasn’t shared anything else about Terry or what growing up with him has been like. Ian has tried hard to forget what he’s read, but it’s nearly impossible to do that when he sees the scars every time he undresses Mickey. It’s impossible to forget when he’s the one kissing the pain away as they lay in bed together.

“Mickey, we have resources to protect you. You are very important to us. We don’t want you to get hurt,” Bowing says this and Ian looks at him. Everything he’s said seems to also be directed at Ian. He wants to pull him aside and ask what he knows, but then that would be revealing his hand as well and he refuses to risk Mickey like that.

Mickey scoffs. “I don’t give a shit about my life, it’s the others I’m more concerned with.”

Ian looks directly at Mickey then, willing the other man to look back at him. He wants to convey that he’ll be fine if he testifies. Mickey shouldn’t care about his life, only his and Yevs’. But Mickey only keeps his head down, staring at the table. Ian can see the iron strength tension in his back and he knows it’s directed right at him. Sure, Ian had no idea that they would be approaching Mickey but that latter didn’t know that. All he knew is that Ian is here, interrogating him with an FBI agent and begging him to give up his family.

Fuck, he is so screwed.

Bowing nods and makes a few more futile attempts to sway Mickey but the other man stays stonily silent. The agent lets him go and he can’t get out of there fast enough. He makes no move to talk to Ian or even motion that he wants to see him. No, he storms out, past the squad room and to the elevators taking him out of the building.

Bowing and Ian walk out, and before Ian can go to his desk and have an anxiety attack, the agent stops him. “He’ll come back, he just needs time to cool down.” He gives the same look to Ian that he had in the interrogation room.

Ian wants to ask, but then Harvey pulls him into the conference room. Bowing gives him one last look before following his partner and shutting themselves away. Ian shakes his head and goes back to his desk where Karen seems to be anxiously waiting. She saw Mickey leave, and when Ian sits at his desk she doesn’t hesitate to start her questioning.

“Hey, how did that go with Milkovich? Did he flip?”

He isn’t sure if it’s her excitement or if it’s the way she doesn’t even ask if Ian is okay but it enrages him to no end. He slams his notes on the table and stares at the woman he’s called his partner for the last four years.

“Did you know?” He asks.

Karen sits back, she looks confused but then fidgets which gives Ian everything he needs. He scoffs and shakes his head. She reaches out to put her hand on his arm but before she can he yanks it back.

“Ian, please, I didn’t know how to tell you, plus I didn’t think you’d care.”

He groans and rubs his hands over his face, this is absolute bullshit coming from the woman he had considered his best friend.

“I didn’t! You were supposed to be over him, remember?” She says, jutting her chin out like she’s the one that should be justified in this situation.

“Oh fuck you Karen,” he spits which sends her reeling. “I never said I was over him, only that I wasn’t going to continue seeing him.”

This sends her back and she considers him some more. Her face contorts into something that he’s never seen on her face before, pity. He can’t stand it, he’s disgusted by it. She goes to make some more excuses, he assumes, he doesn’t care, he won’t listen to them. He stands and takes his notes and files with him.

“I’m going to work in the breakroom,” he says shortly. He leaves without hearing another word from Karen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that happened. 
> 
> Y'all, buckle up because it only gets crazier from here! 
> 
> I can't wait for you guys to read the rest. I'm almost done, I'm trying to edit while I create so that updating the next few weeks doesn't take too long. 
> 
> I can't decide if I'm going to combine two upcoming chapters, one feels too short and too boring haha so I might combine it with another to make it longer and have more excitement. 
> 
> We'll see, anyway, thanks again, guys! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I'll see you next week!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no chill. I was honestly too impatient to wait. Plus, I kind of left you on a sour note last time. I hope this helps. 
> 
> TW for the normal show warnings. They share their tragic stories, so Ian and his life with Monica and Mickey shares how Yev came to be. There's a bit of angst, but our Ian is persistent. 
> 
> Y'all, I've almost finished all the chapters. They're all outlined so I literally just have to sit down and write them. It's a pretty crazy ride from here on out. 
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy this!

It was a shitty day, Ian thinks. He barely got any work done and left as soon as it would be acceptable. He left every piece of work he could at his desk, ignoring Karens’ wounded look and running out, hoping to beat Mickey home so he could trap him before he escaped into his own apartment.

He makes it home in record time, climbing the stairs in double time. But he comes to a screeching halt at the sight of Mickey sitting in front of his door. He hadn’t expected this. He had expected Mickey to avoid him like last time, that he would have to camp out in order to see the man.

Now that he was staring at him, he couldn’t get a single word out. It also didn’t help that Mickey was clearly seething, clenching his hands into a single fist between his spread legs.

“Let me in, Red,” he mutters.

Ian nods wordlessly, Mickey stands and waits for Ian to open his door and let him in. Once the door is closed and they’re alone, the shorter man shoves him against the door.

“What the fuck, Ian?”

He expected this reaction, the violence stemming from the fear of being caught. He knows that what Bowing said must have freaked him out, even more than it freaked Ian out. He attempts to reach out to him, to calm him down but his hands are slapped away quickly.

“Mickey, I swear to God, I had no idea that they were bringing you in,” he starts. The other man scoffs and he continues, “please, you have to believe me when I say that.”

Mickey nods but there’s a mocking look in his eyes when he says, “okay, you didn’t know they were bringing me in, but did you know they wanted me to flip?”

Ian goes quiet at that, and Mickey shoves him harder against the door. Ian knows that he’s in trouble, but it’s hard to feel guilty when he also feels so passionate about this, just on the opposite side. He wants Mickey to flip so desperately. Sure, Witness Protection Program can feel like a joke, but Ian knows that he can protect Mickey from anything. He knows that if Mickey flipped, he would be able to hold off not only the Milkovich family but also the Parella family if he had to.

He truly feels, deep in his bones, that this is the best thing for the both of them. They could be free, they could actually live a life where they wouldn’t have to hide. They’re so close, Ian can taste it, but how does he get Mickey to feel that too?

“What fucking planet are you on Ian? Why on earth would I do that, huh? Why? I need you to tell me why before I beat the shit out of you for being so fucking stupid.”

Ian sees red. Mickey is so focused on the fear from his dad that he can’t even try to see how this could be an option for them. He pushes Mickey back. “For me, you stupid prick! Because I want you to! Did you ever think about what this could mean for us?”

There’s silence except for Mickeys’ heavy breathing, watching as Ian aggressively pushes back. It’s something he hasn’t had to do, be aggressive with Mickey. He’s always just asked and let Mickey come to him, in his own time. Now though, now he knows what they have and he refuses to let anything get in the way, including Mickeys’ own head.

“But if not for me, then for yourself for fucks sake. Stop thinking like this isn’t an option, it is and it’s an option that not only protects you, but Yev and Lana too.”

Mickey scoffs and turns away from Ian, seething. He turns back and surprises Ian by getting right up into his face, yelling while his eyes get more and more red. “Fuck you, you’re all I’m thinking about here! You and Yev are all that’s going through my mind right now. I do this, you and he are dead. We’re all dead.”

Ian can’t even respond to that before the door opens. Ian rushes forward and tries to put Mickey behind his back, thinking of nothing better to do. He’s not the only one with this thought, because the other man reaches out and puts his arm in front of Ians’ waist. Ian suddenly realizes that he’s still wearing his gun and Mickeys’ fingers flirt with the leather strap keeping it on his waist.

It’s only Karen. She opens the door and her eyes widen at seeing Mickey being hidden by Ians’ body. She grows angry, slamming the door behind her. This causes the man behind Ian to grow tense and his arm tightens around him.

Ian places a hand on the arm and rubs small, soothing circles. He isn’t worried, knowing that Karen is physically harmless. What worries him is the fact that she could call this in and Ian would get fired and their relationship would be exposed. Mickey would inevitably get killed for his involvement and everything would be ruined. 

“What the fuck, Ian?”

Ian holds his free hand out, attempting to placate the fuming blonde in his living room. She goes off though, speaking in circles about how pissed she is that he lied to her, how much he’s risking with his job.

Mickey tenses as she paces, he moves to stand more in front of Ian, rather than beside him. Ian feels part of him go soft at the clear protectiveness written across the other mans’ face. Even in the middle of a fight, there’s nothing that would stop the two of them from choosing each other over everyone else. It almost makes him forget what they were fighting about, almost.

“Ian, you could lose your job for this! Do you understand what this means? He could ruin your life and you’re just letting him!” She continues to scream and Ian wants to tell her how wrong she is, but not for her benefit, for Mickeys’. He doesn’t want the other man thinking that he’s bad for Ian, especially when he’s the exact opposite.

However, before he can speak, Mickey does. He steps fully in front of Ian, speaking directly to Karen without hiding. “You’re a fucking hypocrite.”

Karen blanches and goes to yell some more but Mickey continues talking, “yeah, I know you. You’re the girl Mandy has been bitching about, the one that won’t call her back. She showed me your picture, I was right, you are a bitch.”

The room seems to stop all at once. Ian looks at Karen, surely thinking that Mickey has made a mistake. There’s no way that Mandy and Karen slept together, the only girl that Karen has been with was the one from a month ago, the one Karen claimed was her future wife. But the more Ian thinks, the more what Mickey says fits to be true.

Ian remembers what Karen said about the girl being a bartender on the North Side, just like Mandy. He remembers how pale Karen had gotten in the debrief meeting when they had learned about Mandy possibly being a part of the prostitution scam Terry was starting. Then, the worst of all, how little Karen had spoken about the girl since that meeting. Karen didn’t stop pursuing something until she found a major flaw with them.

He scoffs, well I guess she found one in Mandy. And if that didn’t give him enough reason, Karens’ face in this moment does. She looks terrified as Mickey recognizes her and doesn’t even deny it, only looks at Ian apologetically.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” is all he says.

Karen moves to step around Mickey but the shorter man doesn’t let her. He shakes his head once, and she settles back towards the door. She shifts her feet again, looking between the two men. Her face searches Ians’ and he knows that she sees the cold fury because she shrinks back slightly.

“It was only once,” she starts but corrects herself after Mickey scoffs. “Okay, twice, but once I found out who she was, I ended things.”

Ian shakes his head. Karen hadn’t even stopped to consider what Mickey meant to Ian before she demanded that he end their relationship. Even before they slept together, he had been talking about this man for months and she knew how excited he was when they were finally able to be together. He knew she wouldn’t understand his feelings, only Mickey can truly get it, but he never expected his best friend to be so cruel about them.

“You told me that you ended this, you told me that you were done.”

“Obviously I lied, Karen. I’m not ending this,” he says, strongly. He puts a hand on Mickeys’ arm and pulls him back to stand next to him. The shorter man goes with him, it’s hard to believe that only two minutes ago they were in the middle of a fight and now they were presenting a united front. It warmed Ian to see this, hoping that Mickey cared more about protecting this then ending this.

“Jesus Christ, Ian, it’s just sex you can find that anywhere,” she says as she rolls her eyes.

He bristles and his anger is fueled even more when he feels Mickey tense next to him. He’s unsure if it’s from Karens’ ridiculous accusation or if it’s from his own personal anxiety that this might just be sex for Ian. He hopes he squashes that anxiety when he says, “it’s not just sex Karen, do you think I’d be risking everything for a fucking lay?”

Karen looks between the two of them and with finality she says, “Ian, if you don’t end this then I’m turning you in.”

Everything that had stopped, seemed to erupt at once. Mickey moved away from Ian, circling the living room. He could the distressed look in his eyes and Ian was torn between wanting to calm his boyfriend down and stop his partner from making a huge mistake. He chose Karen, knowing that if he ignored her, she would just call Murphy without another warning. He stepped to her, holding his hands out.

“Karen, please, you can’t do this.” Where he was once mad, he was now desperate to stop this woman from ruining his life.

“I don’t have a choice here, you took that away when you decided to lie to me.”

“I had to! You have no idea what’s actually happening, if you turn me in, it’s not just me that you’re ruining.” He looks at Mickey and sees his face grow paler and paler, both men thinking of Yev. He can’t stop the other man from running to the bathroom and locking the door. He hears the sounds of heaving a few seconds later and he sighs.

Karen observes Ians’ face, searching for something he’s unaware of. She takes a tentative step forward. “Ian, are you- are you still taking your meds?”

He reels back like he’s been slapped. “Are you kidding me right now?”

“I’m just saying, Ian, you love being a detective. You’ve worked so hard to get to where you are and be who you are. I don’t see any other reason why you would be risking that if you weren’t off your meds.”

His anger rushes back to him. He thinks back to the weekend, the beautiful weekend that showed Ian exactly what his life with Mickey could look like. He felt everything shift then, he knew Mickey had too. It was impossible to believe that only a day later that all of what they had felt seemed to be insignificant to everyone else. Even Mickey, who seems to have forgotten that this is a partnership and that Ian would gladly give up everything for him. It’s frustrating beyond belief and it seems to rise up through him all at once.

All of the energy that’s been stewing since he saw Mickey sitting in the interrogation room suddenly boils over. He lashes out, scaring Karen back to her position near the door.

“Screw you Karen, I’m not doing this because I’m fucking manic, okay? I’m doing this because I’m in love with him.”

She stills, her face contorting into an expression of disbelief. She watches Ian then her eyes flicker to the hallway. He turns and sees Mickey standing there, he’s still pale but isn’t shaking nearly as much as he had been. His eyes are on Ian, but his face is unreadable and Ian hates it.

He opens his mouth and speaks calmly and softly, “get out,” he says.

Karen makes an indignant noise but before she can retort, Ian speaks, “go, Karen.”

He hears her sigh, “Ian, please just think about what I said.”

But Ian ignores her in favor of watching his boyfriend move closer as she leaves the apartment. Mickey comes to a halt in front of Ian. Both men take a deep breath. Ian tries to see the gears turning in Mickeys’ head, tries to decipher what he could possibly be thinking. But for the first time, Ian can’t see anything.

“Mick?” He asks quietly.

The man just nods and something changes on his face. He isn’t smiling, but there’s an openness to his face that wasn’t there before. Ian relaxes slightly before nodding along with him. Nothing is fixed, nothing is settled but the nods say enough of what needs to be said. They’re both staying, no one is running.

Mickey swallows then say, “what did she mean, when she asked about your meds?”

Ian looks down then. The past month, Ian has been able to hide his meds from Mickey. He keeps them in the bathroom, allowing himself a minute at the beginning and end of each day to take them. He’s kept his schedule without having to alarm Mickey with the orange pill bottles that hide behind the stack of towels in the cabinet. But now, he knows that he has to tell the man everything. Not only does he have to, but he wants to. _No running._ He wants Mickey to know that he isn’t a side effect of mania. He wants him to know that he’s the reason Ian has felt more stable than he has in years.

“It’s a long story,” he starts.

Mickey nods, grabbing Ians’ hands. He leads them over to the couch, sitting closely, but not touching. “I’m listening.”

So Ian starts, he starts with Monica being who she is. What it was like to be raised by a woman who could be so up one day then so down the next. How when the kids finally realized that it wasn’t just her, but her brain causing her to act this way, they all tried to get her some help. Only, they were disappointed when she skipped town before the meds could do their job. Ian hated her for that, but loved her because she seemed to be the only one who could understand him when his siblings couldn’t.

He tells Mickey all about their complicated relationship, how she was the first one he came out to. How she took him to his first gay bar, the first person to tell him it was okay for liking men, the first person to tell him it was okay to be who he was. But then he tells Mickey about his first manic episode. How he had nearly killed Debbie in a car accident because he had been driving too fast, convinced if they were going fast enough they would fly. He tells him about being diagnosed but not accepting it.

He tells Mickey about calling Monica one night, the next day he was with her, in another city ignoring his meds and the siblings that were going crazy looking for him. He tells Mickey about the faceless men, the number of hands and mouths on him at one time. He talks about the drugs, the times he was too high to consent, the times his mother left him alone in strange buildings where they were camping out.

He tells him about his OD, how it was Lips’ tears and his mothers’ apathy that made him change. How he checked himself into a mental hospital for three months and worked to stabilize his own life because he wanted to, not because of anyone else.

He watches Mickeys’ face the entire time, the man doesn’t speak, he doesn’t look like he pities Ian or that he thinks any lesser of him. The only response he gives is the tightening of his hold on Ians’ hands. Especially when Ian felt the shame of his past creep up his neck, he couldn’t look at Mickey, but he had felt him. He had leant closer to Ian, not touching him but sitting with him while he walked through the darkest moments in his life.

He comes to a finish when he talks about meeting Dr. Yui and how often he goes to see him. He looks back at Mickey and says with finality, “you are not a manic episode, I promise.”

The other man watches him but doesn’t nod. So Ian tries again, this time placing his hands on Mickeys’ thighs, rubbing them like he does after sex. He tries to release the tension building there and give him the same solace he does then. Pushing his hands deeper but keeping it chaste, he says, “you have made me more stable the last month than I have felt the past five years.”

Mickey takes a deep breath that shakes on its way out. “What about that prescription?”

Ian nods, thinking about how well the sleeping pills had worked to fix his waning routine. He knows that Mickey had seen them, had been worried about them. “Those were two nights worth of sleeping pills. After we found out about each other, I was terrified and couldn’t sleep. My doctor was just trying to get me back on my routine.”

“Did it work?”

He nods and then Mickey looks at him, his eyes are glassy but he looks deadly serious. “You have to tell someone if you ever feel off, okay?”

The command surprises him and he wants to say how big of a problem he can be when he’s having an episode. He wants to tell him about the lack of will he has on his bad days, how uncontrollable he is when he’s up. He wants to say that he still feels the pull in both directions, as small as they are, he feels the lows and he feels the highs tick tock in his brain every day.

Mickey senses his hesitation because he speaks again, “I need to know, Ian.”

Ian pauses again, seeing one single tear fall down Mickeys’ cheek. He swipes it away, gently and decides to let this man in fully. “Okay, I promise.”

He can feel the tension leave the other mans’ body from his hands on his thighs with his words. It surprises him how much that simple promise means to Mickey but he, himself, feels the relief wash through him.

The other man collapses onto his shoulder, his arms coming around him and pulling him in so tightly that his chest begins to hurt. He doesn’t pull away though, he allows Mickey to hold him and caress his back. He lets the man that he loves come to terms with the whole picture of Ians’ life.

* * *

They sit like that for a while but they don’t move away from each other. There’s no telling how much time has passed, it seems so inconsequential, the time. It doesn’t matter, it could be 8 o’clock in the evening or it could be 1 o’clock in the morning, neither men care to move away from their hold.

Mickey clears his throat and lowly says, “I have to tell you something.”

The words sound terrifying but it’s the voice that says them that’s even worse. He sounds scared, like whatever he’s about to tell Ian is the worst thing he could ever say. And yet, Ian wants to know it. He doesn’t care what it is, he wants to listen to Mickey tell his story the way the man just did for him.

“You can tell me, whatever it is.”

Mickey nods and backs away from the hold. They’re still close, physically, but Ian can see the other man slowly closing his face off.

“It’s about Lana and Yev,” he starts.

Ian knows now why this must scare Mickey so much. He’s wanted to know more of this situation since meeting Yev but hasn’t wanted to push Mickey past what he was willing to give. He doesn’t move far away, but he does lean back, to give the man space to share his history.

“I met Lana when my dad found my stash,” he says. Ian tilts his head, unsure of what he means by stash. Mickey continues, “my porn stash. It didn’t help that I was in the middle of using it.”

Ian winces and in that moment his heart breaks for a young Mickey having to hide every bit of who he truly is when he was living with Terry. The fear that comes with just being yourself, the suffocation he must have felt as a kid, figuring out who he was. He can’t even begin to imagine.

“He nearly beat me to death, I still have a scar from when he pistol whipped me. Anyway, he called Lana, she was a prostitute at the time that he preferred. She came in, and he held a gun to my head while we had sex. He wanted her to ‘fuck me straight’.”

Mickey speaks with little affect in his voice, he doesn’t even stare at Ian, but at the wall behind him. Ian feels his throat close up with the feeling of bile. He swallows it down, fighting to be here while Mickey shares his story.

“We were trapped in my room for hours, because of course the fucker made us do it more than once. We would finish once then he would make us go again. He even held a gun to her head when I couldn’t perform.”

“Jesus Christ, Mick.”

He continues on without acknowledging Ian, “after that I moved in with Joey. It was a few weeks later that she found me and told me she was pregnant. I was so pissed, I wanted to kill her for showing up again, for forcing me to remember what we did. I told her to get lost, that I knew the kid wasn’t mine because of how many guys she fucked on a daily basis.” His face shuts down, but Ian can see the regret there. He bites his lip to make it stop shaking.

“Somehow, Terry found out, she wanted money from him, I guess. Terry refused and when she threatened to expose him, he sent Iggy out to handle her.”

Ian feels his veins freeze with realization. He thinks back to Murphys’ assault case against Iggy Milkovich, remembers how the female victim disappeared and couldn’t testify. But he remembers the pictures, her face was too bashed in to get a clear ID. He remembers feeling sick at the sight of the woman who had endured so much. He remembers feeling the hope that, for her sake, she would never come back. Ian looks at Mickey and sees his eyes flick back and forth, watching some fucked up memory in his head.

“He nearly killed her, Ian,” his voice breaks and the tears that he had been holding back for so long finally break free. Once they start, they don’t stop and Mickey becomes a snotty mess. Ian reaches for him tentatively, waiting to see if the other man will back away but he doesn’t. He leans forward, allowing Ian to pull him into his lap.

They sit there with Mickeys’ legs on either side of Ians’ thighs, a position they’ve been in before, that’s pleasured both of them, but now it feels like the only way for them to be close enough. Mickeys’ head rests on his shoulder, his arms have found their way under his shirt, pressed into his back. Ian wraps his arms around Mickey, around his waist and on his neck. They touch eachother at every possible point, not wanting to be separated at all while Mickey shares his past.

“It was fucking luck that I found out about it. Joey told me, not realizing who she was and why Terry put a hit out on her. I got to the hospital, made sure she got all the help she needed then got her the fuck out of there.”

Ian doesn’t give a shit about Murphys’ failed case, then. He feels so much pride bubble up in his chest for Mickey. Even after everything he had been through, his first thought was to protect a woman who he only knew because of a traumatizing circumstance. Again, he’s more and more enamored by his partner and who he is entirely.

“Is that when you heard Yevs’ heartbeat for the first time?” It’s the first question Ian asks and he’s glad he does because it brings a welcomed smile to Mickeys’ face. Ian feels it against his neck, it’s a welcomed change from the sobs and tears.

“Yeah,” he says. “We both did, and it was like this unsaid agreement was formed. We knew we needed eachother, so we did everything we could to make it work.”

Ian nods and kisses the side of his boyfriends’ face.

“I used all the money I had to buy her a place, get her a doctor that took cash and didn’t care that we used fake names. I would go see her for every doctors’ appointment and any time she needed help working. That’s why I wanted the gym so badly, I needed a steady income that wasn’t from stealing shit off the back of a truck.”

Ian takes a deep breath and ignores the blatant admission to illegal activities. He focuses instead of how Mickeys’ eyes go far away again. Ian tenses once again, waiting for what he could possibly say that would be worse than what’s already been said.

“Terry beat me for that too,” he laughs bitterly. “If it wasn’t for Joey I’d probably be dead. Terry probably thought I was trying to fuck the family over from the inside,” he stops and his eyes flicker to Ians’ again. They suddenly remember why they were fighting in the first place, because Ian wanted Mickey to take down his family from the inside.

The dark-haired man moves on quickly before being sucked into a very different conversation.

“I couldn’t even be there for Yevs’ birth, my ribs were so busted that I got a collapsed lung. Mandy had to bring me to the same hospital they were at just so I could see Yev. Anyway, once he was born most of what I was making at the gym went to them, I saved a little bit so I could move out and get my own place.”

Which led them to this very position, Ian thinks. He hugs Mickey tighter and similar to how the man had gathered Ian into his arms, he returns the favor. They both know that their so much unsaid, between flipping, Karen and Ian declaring his love for his boyfriend, their night could easily be filled with unpacking one of those topics of conversation. Ian knows that they should talk about Karen, he knows that between Mickey upheaving his past onto Ian and the knowledge that Karen could very well ruin this for the both of them that the man will be a nervous wreck until it gets resolved.

“This is why I can’t flip, Ian. I can’t put Lana and Yev at risk. Terry will hold onto this grudge until he dies. If he finds out that Lana is still around and that there’s living proof of what he did, he won’t stop until they’re both dead.”

Ian nods, understanding everything in much more startling clarity. He knows that Terry Milkovich is dangerous, he’s not going to argue that. But he doesn’t want Mickey to think that they’re totally fucked. There’s one more option that he hasn’t thought of, the one where he flips and allows Ian to protect all of them. 

“There’s you, too,” Ian looks down and finds Mickey staring at him with the same clarity. “I know you can take care of yourself but I refuse to put you in danger. Terry will kill you and make me watch if he finds out who you are to me.”

Before he can even make the argument, he had been thinking up in his head, Mickey shuts him out. Ian can see the tension making a permanent residence inside Mickey. The more he talks about protecting Ian and Yev, the bigger the walls he’s building get. Where Ian once had been a resident alongside Mickey behind the walls, he now feels separated from them. He’s an outsider, far away from the protection they once brought. Mickey is there, with him, but it’s like he’s miles away instead of right there touching every inch of him.

He sits forward, desperate to remain close. “I’ll talk to Karen, I’ll make sure she’ll keep quiet.”

It does little to help but Mickey nods in appreciation. He bites his lip, this time in a trance that Ian isn’t privy to. He shoots him a look before nodding again, like an encouragement of some kind.

“Good, I wouldn’t want you to lose your job over me.”

It’s the way he says it, that makes Ian really study the man on top of him. He’s pressing closely to Ian, but he won’t fully look at him. His eyes flit everywhere around the room, studying it, taking it in. His stomach drops as he sees the decision made in Mickeys’ eyes and as he pulls away, a chill crawls through his veins.

“Mick?” He asks softly.

Mickey crawls off of him and sits on the couch away from Ian. Ian repeats his name, having gotten no response from the first.

“I should go,” the other man says, not looking at Ian still.

His heart stutters and a wave of panic comes over him. Mickey stares at his feet, not noticing how Ian has begun to shake his head with no rhythm. He’s talking about leaving, and not just for the night, for good. He thinks about everything that’s happened the last month, even tonight, all they’ve shared. Ian thinks about how the only man he’s ever trusted to truly know him is the one who is about to leave him.

“No,” he stutters out.

He hears the sigh come from Mickey and wants to grab him until he agrees that leaving does nothing to solve their problem. What happened to the silent promise they just made each other? The one where they decided to talk even after Karen had come in and popped their bubble. What happened to no running? He moves closer, but the other man stands and turns his back on Ian.

“Please, don’t make this hard.”

Ian scoffs, feeling a sudden anger rise up in him. He stands in attempt to reach out to Mickey. He reaches his arms out, trying to turn his boyfriend around to talk to him. However, Mickey bats his hands away, stepping further from Ian both physically and emotionally. He doesn’t let that deter him, following him even as the other man moves around the room. Searching for what, Ian doesn’t know but he follows him anyway.

“I’m not making anything hard, that’s all you.”

His words only make Mickey move further away from him. Ian notices the tension return in his shoulders, the way he’s shutting himself off from everything. Well to Hell with that, Ian isn’t going to let that happen.

“What happened to the guy that just begged me to tell him whenever I’m feeling off? Huh?” Ian interrogates, allowing the cop in him to come out. It’s his job to make people uncomfortable enough to say what’s exactly on their mind or what exactly happened. He feels no guilt in using those tactics to get the truth out of Mickey now. “What happened to the guy who just begged me to keep him in my life?”

“That is not what I said,” Mickey starts, arguing with heat but even he can tell that he’s lying.

“Fuck you, that is what you said. You care about me and you’re acting like we have no other options here.”

Mickey laughs bitterly and shakes his head. “No, I’m doing what needs to be done. You’re the one acting like it’s not the right decision.”

“Is that how we’re defining cowardice now?”

Mickey turns quickly, surprising Ian. “Fuck you if you think I’m doing this for any other reason than to protect you.”

Standing in front of him, Ian can see the tears in the eyes of the other man. They’re unshed, but they’re barely being held back. He can see the struggle too, the way that Mickey is desperate to hide his emotions. He does this constantly, hiding how he feels in order to protect himself. But here, lately, he’s let down the walls, he’s been himself. The walls now only there to keep out people that could wreck their happiness.

So, why was Ian suddenly on the outside? To spare his feelings? It won’t work, he can see everything because he knows this man. He knows how he protects the ones he loves even if it means causing himself harm. It won’t work this time, Ian refuses to let it.

“Your version of protection involves cutting me off from you. How is that good?”

“It’s not ideal but-”

“ _It’s not ideal?_ Jesus Christ, Mick, none of this is ideal. It’s an awful situation, but we’ve managed to create something worth living for.”

“Did you not see what just happened here? Jesus, your partner knows and we aren’t even sure if she’s going to rat or not.”

“She won’t,” he says unsure. He wishes he could be sure, if he could he might have a chance at saving this relationship. He has more faith in his ability to get Karen on his side, but only when he’s given the chance. She left before he got a chance to convince her to stay quiet.

“You don’t know that!”

“No,” he relents. “But I have to trust that our friendship is worth more than some stupid case.”

“It wasn’t so stupid a minute ago when you were begging me to flip for you.”

“That wasn’t because of work and you know it.” Mickey turns away again, shaking his head, but Ian grabs him and forces eye contact when he says, “it was because I love you and I want to be able to be with you without fear of you getting killed.”

Mickey winces at the declaration but keeps on. “Ian, this life that I’m living, is only going to last so long, you have to know that.”

Ian shakes his head, refusing to look away, feeling the familiar pressure of tears building. He never wants to think of Mickey dying in this life, of dying a chained man and never having been given the chance to truly live. 

“I was always going to die because of who I am, that doesn’t change just because I met you. The only thing it changes is that I now have to protect you before I take you down with me.”

God this stupid, beautiful man, Ian thinks. He loves him so much but he wants to throttle him until he sees sense. “No, I refuse to accept that,” Mickey scoffs. “I don’t understand why you’re still accepting this shit that your dad keeps bringing into your life. You’ve done so much in turning it around, how is this any different?”

“Because here, we were safe. We had this place that was only ours. But this,” he motions between the two of us. “can’t exist out there. The minute I flip, the minute I choose you, everything is over and we are dead.”

“That’s not the problem, Mickey,” he argues.

Mickey groans loudly and steps away, rubbing his hands over his face. “Really? If you’re so fucking smart then tell me, what is the problem?”

“The problem is, that you don’t trust me to protect you. You don’t trust me to love you,” he pleads.

The man stops, looking up at Ian, looking confused and ready to argue but Ian merely shakes his head, stopping him before he even stops. Mickey sees the honesty written over Ians’ face, sees the truth that he refuses to admit to. The shorter man shuts his eyes, shutting out Ian. Ian can see the moment ending, he has to do something, has to prove to this man that he can protect him. That’s all he wants to do.

“I love you,” Ian says.

Mickey bristles and looks away. He backs up and begins grabbing at the pieces of Mickey strewn across the apartment. A phone charger, a pair of shoes, anything that marks their time together.

Ian says again, “I love you.”

“Jesus, stop sayin’ that,” Mickey grunts, walking back into the bedroom. Ian follows.

“I love you.”

He’s ignored once more as the shorter man starts going through the clothes in the room. Their clothes have been slowly mixing over the past few weeks. Ian knows that some of his are at Mickeys’ apartment, he refuses to ask for them back.

“I love you,” he insists.

Mickey lets out a frustrated noise and throws the clothes down on the unmade bed. “Fuck this,” he says stalking back into the living room. Ian follows closely behind, rushing to stop him before the older man makes it to the door. He grabs his arm near his desk, forcing the attention on him.

“Hey asshole,” he says, this getting Mickeys’ attention. He looks quickly at Ian and stares at him as Ian finishes, “I love you.”

The other man looks away again, finding a piece of paper on Ians’ desk. It’s a drawing that Yev did, really good for his young age. It’s Ian and Mickey with Yev in the middle. Mickey hesitates when picking it up. Ian uses that and grabs at Mickeys’ shaking hands. Ian gently wraps his hands around Mickeys’, the picture between them.

“I love you, Mickey Milkovich,” he says. He moves his grip from Mickeys’ hands to his face. “I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you.”

Mickey shudders in his hands, his eyes shutting and the tears falling freely. Ian catches them with his thumbs.

“I know you think that you need to push me away, but that won’t fix anything.”

Mickey shakes his head, bringing his hands up to cover Ians. “But what if it does? What if we don’t work?”

Ian leans forward and kisses him softly. He stays close as he says, “I refuse to live in a world where we don’t work out.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw man, I loved writing that scene. I struggled with how Ian would first tell Mickey he loved him. Don't worry about Mickey, he'll get there! 
> 
> Y'all, I'm really excited to announce that the next fic I'll be writing is another multichapter fic, and it's a firefighter AU because I've been watching 911 and 911 Lonestar the past two weeks and I have to write it with Ian and Mickey. 
> 
> I've started outlining that but won't really start to write it until I've finished writing this one. I hope to upload the first chapter in March or late February. 
> 
> I will be updating this again tomorrow because I have no self-control. Thank you for all the love on this fic, y'all are the reason I do this. I can't wait for you to read everything I have planned for y'all! 
> 
> XOXO MUCH LOVE XOXO


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I don't understand formatting on this website... 
> 
> Anyway, as promised a double post this week because I am just too excited for everything that is happening the rest of this fic! 
> 
> I love how many of you hate Karen! I also dislike her in canon but I do enjoy fics where she's nice and at least shows that she is capable of acting like a sympathetic human. She does get better, but she also has to work through her own shit. Thank you for your comments and love, so many of yall made me laugh and smile today and I really need that so thank you! 
> 
> Sorry for any tensing mistakes here, it should all be in present tense but I think I may have missed some.

Ian, once again, wakes up alone. He remembers last night, the chaos of it all. He remembers holding Mickey close the rest of the night, waiting to fall asleep until the latter was breathing evenly in his arms. He was terrified to shut his eyes, terrified that when he opened them again that Mickey would be gone. Terrified of right now.

He rolls over to find a note on his pillow. He scrambles to open it, recognizing Mickeys’ scrawl.

**Don’t freak out. I let you sleep, needed to go to work and make sure things are ok. Please take your meds this morning, I’ll see you later, x- M.**

He smiles at the ‘x’, knowing that as far as his boyfriend goes, this is his way of showing affection. The promise that he would be coming back put a lot of his anxiety at ease, knowing that him and Mickey would be able to work through it. Even if all that had happened last night was Ian repeating his feelings over and over, but to him, it was his promise to Mickey. It said everything he needed to, he just hoped Mickey heard it.

He does take his meds, wanting to be annoyed at Mickeys’ reminder but only coming up with a fond exasperation. Again, Mickey hadn’t said the words back to Ian last night but it was moments like these that gave Ian hope. He thinks about Mickeys’ plea that Ian share his bipolar struggles with him, if that didn’t convince him then this note did. He felt it, deeper than anything he ever had before, the absolution that Mickey felt the same way.

He didn’t say it, because he showed it. Despite the tears and the shouting, last night proved it. Mickey has only ever known love by shutting it away. He loves Yev and Lana, he shut them away in a new city only allowing himself a few days a month to see them. He shuts Mandy away by keeping her in the dark about most of his life. He tried to shut Ian away, he did the only thing he thought he could do.

But Ian is a stubborn asshole, and he refuses to let Mickey make this decision on his own. Ian had been coddled and protected his whole life by Fiona and Lip. It was their way of attempting to keep him stable, but that only drove him further into the instability of Hurricane Monica. His stability came from his own actions, his decisions. This decision, to protect Mickey, was his. Was it selfish? Probably, and Mickey could hate him all he wanted but as long as he could see the other man and see that he was alive and living a life that he deserved then Ian counted that as a win.

After taking his meds, he goes for a short run. Only doing it to put into his head all he needed to do today. He had to start with Karen, convince her that he had this under control and that her interference would only cause massive causalities.

* * *

Finding Karen isn’t hard, she’s waiting outside the precinct for him. He stands next to her, unsure of what to say. Does he go first? He did lie to her, but she’s the one that seemed to use every sore part of his life as reasoning to trust her, which seemed really backwards to him. Karen makes the decision to speak first.

“I haven’t told anyone yet.”

Ian nods and releases a breath. “Thank you.”

“I’m still on the fence though,” she says before he can even get his whole thanks out.

He laughs, bitterly. “Shit, Karen, then what is this? A curtesy call?”

“I just want to be honest with you.”

He turns to her then, putting his hands on his hips. “What’s stopping you then? Hmm?”

She faces him head on, same pose, same fire in her eyes. “The fact that you said you loved him, I haven’t ever heard you say that about anyone before.”

Ian nods, stepping away from her and sitting down on one of the steps. “Yeah well, I’ve never felt it about anyone else before.”

She sighs and sits next to him. “You chose the worst person to fall in love with.”

He actually does laugh at that. “You’ve got that right.” Damn, he really wants a smoke right now. He hasn’t had one in years, they didn’t really encourage it when he was in the hospital and by the time he got out, he had found other, healthy ways of relieving stress. 

“Look, I won’t tell anyone about you two,” she starts, causing him to watch her. “But I need you to promise me, that you will end this if he doesn’t flip.”

Ian scoffs and starts to argue with her, knowing that nothing will make him leave Mickey, not even Karen threatening his job. He would leave the CPD and this case before he let that happen.

“No, I’m serious Ian. If he doesn’t flip, you have to ask yourself why. If he doesn’t turn on his family then what does that mean for you long term? How do you fit in? How do you know he won’t use what he’s learned about you to hurt you?”

Ian can see her desperately looking at him, trying to find the answers in him. He can see his best friend wanting to understand him. “I know what’s stopping him, Karen. I know him, he won’t hurt me.”

Her face grows sad, but there’s a smile on her face. “Ian, I am so happy for you. I love that you’re in love.”

He smiles with her and waits for the ultimate “but”.

“But what does your future look like? How does this work between the two of you?”

It’s a question that both he and Mickey have considered. As much as they can see a future with eachother, they aren’t sure what the future looks like. They know that they can’t stay in their apartment bubble for the rest of their lives, yesterday proved that. It scares Ian, that while they’ve taken so many steps together, that their future steps may be limited.

He looks up at Karen, finding it hard to speak. The emotion sits in his throat, and he feels the pressure behind his eyes. His partner puts her arm around him and waits for him to get the words out. He didn’t want to show this to Mickey, the other man already struggling to stay and fight for their relationship. But here he sat, with Karen, someone he’s trusted for years, and he can fully express his fears without scaring Mickey away. Because yes, he does want to fight for this, he’s ready to fight for this but he has no idea how this can work.

Unable to get the words out, he merely shakes his head. He feels Karens’ arm tighten around him, allowing him to release the few tears that make their way down his face. He has no answers here, but he’s hoping that if Mickey gives him the chance, he’ll find them. 

* * *

Work the rest of the day was easier than it had been in a while. He didn’t realize how nice it would’ve been having Karen know about him and Mickey. He’s glad she knows now, even though it’s not something they explicitly talk about, he knows that if something happens he can talk to her.

Bowing comes up and gives him the transcripts from Mickeys’ interrogation. He hovers near Ians’ desk watching the other man flip through the file that has been growing thicker and thicker the past two months since the case started.

“I want you to look over the transcript, tell me if you see anything I don’t.”

Ian arched an eyebrow. “You think I will?”

Bowing hums. “I think you have more insight then you realize.”

He walks away without any further explanation and both Ian and Karen watch him go. Ian turns back to his partner who looks just as perplexed.

“Is that what happens when you join the FBI? You start to go fucking crazy?”

Ian thinks about telling her his fears that Bowing already knows. He doesn’t, fearing that if he says it out loud that he’ll find another reason to believe Mickey in thinking that they’re better off without eachother. Plus, he doesn’t want to give Karen any idea that she has someone she can confirm suspicions to. They would be a very dangerous pair, Ian muses.

“Maybe I should join, I already am fucking crazy,” he says, instead, changing the subject.

They both laugh, feeling the air between them ease. It’s nice, he thinks, to have his best friend back. The girl he tells everything, the one who seems to know him better than himself. He’s missed her, he doesn’t miss the girl willing to turn him in “for his own good”.

“Can I ask you something?” She asks, her voice dropping as she leans forward.

He nods and looks around to make sure no one is coming over. She does the same, then seems to rethink her request. She glances at her watch. “Let’s take lunch, it’ll be easier with food in our stomachs.”

They tidy up their desks and make their way out of the precinct for lunch. It’s colder, both of them requiring thicker jackets. The air feels brisk, a nice, cold breeze rustling every loose bit of fabric and hair. They decide to walk, choosing one of the small delis a few blocks over. As they commute, Ian waits for Karens’ questions. It’s about Mickey, he knows. That’s the only topic they can’t really discuss at work and he waits for whatever she could possibly ask.

“Is it hard?” She asks. He tilts his head in a silent question. She continues, “to have a relationship with him? When you’re both, what you are.”

He considers this. Yes, it’s hard. It’s hard to have two large parts of your life, unable to mix, catastrophic if they do. It’s hard to not be able to tell anyone, fear of who they might know and what they might say. It’s hard for Ian, to not bring Mickey to family dinners because how on Earth can he admit that he has fallen in love with a Milkovich who would be killed at the admission?

He can’t expect Lip and Fiona to just ignore who Mickey is. He can barely imagine what that dinner would look like, Fiona smiling tightly and she ignores the tension by over serving everyone at the table. Lip would stew silently before eventually asking an inappropriate question that caused a massive fight between the entire table.

But it’s not hard to love Mickey, to choose him. Not when he is privy to the post-coital cuddles, to the care he gets after a long day of work, to the jokes and the smiles, even the grumpy Mickey who acts out when he’s hungry, Ian loves and chooses every day.

“It’s hard but not something I could ever give up,” he settles on.

Karen nods, absorbing his words. They walk into the deli, only conversing about possible lunch choices. Ian considers getting a meatball sub, one that he knows Mickey loves and gets on the occasion. But how would he bring it to him? There’s no way to make that not obvious. Plus, what if a family member is there? God forbid, what if Terry is there scoping out new recruits.

“His gym is just a block over, isn’t it?” Karen pulls him out of his thoughts.

He nods.

“You want to bring him lunch?”

He smiles, but it’s small and a little bit sad. “I can’t. Too risky.”

Karen makes a face, one that says she disagrees. “Not if you take off your badge and gun. Go in, saying you have lunch for one of the fighters.”

Ian goes to retort but before he can she tells him to do it and starts their order. He’s never found it easy to say no to Karen, protecting Mickey being the one standout in the last few years. She sends him a small smile and pays for the meal once he inserts his and Mickeys’ orders.

As they’re waiting Ian asks, “why?” He hopes that he only needs the one word to convey everything he has to ask. Why is she keeping their secret? Why is she openly asking about Mickey? Why is she helping him mend the fragility of his relationship?

Karen being Karen, does get it and looks at him serenely. “You deserve to be happy, Ian. If what makes you happy is Mickey, then I’ll do everything in my power to keep it that way.”

Ian smiles. “What happened to this being a bad idea?” He’s partially teasing but is also curious to hear what changed her mind.

“I do still think it’s a bad idea,” she says honestly. “But I also know that, that won’t stop you. So, I might as well help you and save our friendship. That means more to me than anything else.”

Ian nods in agreement and wraps an arm around Karens’ shoulders. She leans back into him and laughs when he says, “so does that mean I can tell you about the sex?”

They don’t have to wait long for their food and when they do Karen hands him Mickeys’ sandwich. She takes his sandwich along with hers and reminds him of his badge and gun. He takes those off quickly, he keeps his badge so he can get back into the precinct but Karen takes his weapon. Her first instinct seemed to be to refuse this, but after Ian insists she takes it without argument.

It doesn’t take long for Ian to get to the gym. The door is propped open, with loud rock music playing from the inside. He walks in, finding it to be one room. A large boxing ring stands in the middle with punching bags lining the back wall.

A few boys are jumping rope and stretching near the front, but he can see that their attention is on the two men in the ring. They’re both young, no older than sixteen, Ian guesses. They circle each other, taking a few shots every now and then but they mostly listen to the coach giving them instructions.

Ian recognizes the gruff sounding voice as it yells, “Ramirez if you keep up that pussy jab I’m getting in the ring with you instead. C’mon, make a move.”

He laughs quietly, waiting back, not wanting to draw attention to himself with this many eyes around. The boys fight some more, steadily trying more and more moves to which Mickey either compliments or critiques. Ian isn’t surprised to see that Mickey is good at his job. He’s hard when he needs to be and soft when he wants to be. Every command is direct and by seeing how the fighters react, everyone respects that about Mickey.

He loves that he gets a chance to see a different side of his boyfriend. Ian gets to see the man that is experiencing his first romantic relationship and all that comes with romantic Mickey. Now, he gets to see the same, free Mickey that has worked so hard to get his own professional gym the way he wants it.

Mickey dings the bell in the corner, letting the young men relax.

He turns around and spots Ian immediately. Right away, his face changes, it grows suspicious but then Ian can see the tinge of fear underneath it all. Mickey moves toward him quickly, he stands close enough that Ian can hear him whisper, “what are you doin’ here?” but he’s far enough away that Ian can’t reach out to touch him.

Ian says nothing in response, only holding up the bag. He tilts his head slightly, an offering, one that Ian hopes Mickey takes as peaceful.

Mickeys’ eyes narrow at the bag in his hand but then he notices the lightness in Ians’ eyes. There’s a hint of a smile but it’s smothered quickly by his hand.

“Of course, right this way, I’ll show you where to put that.”

Ian follows Mickey through a back hallway. It’s long, Ian realizing how big the building actually is. He remembers reading online about the expansion that’s happening soon, he also remembers hearing Murphy shoot out ideas at the possible cover this could be. Mob families are almost always looking to expand, Mickey expanding his gym could be a perfect cover. Ian chooses to ignore this potential threat to his relationship and focuses on following his boyfriend to his office. He sees the doors on his right to what he assumes are the locker rooms but Mickey leads him past those, to the last door on the left. He opens it, holding it for Ian before following him in and locking the door.

Ian places the sandwich on Mickeys’ desk and turns back around to face the man leaning against the door.

“What are you doing here?” He asks plainly, not giving anything away. At least not with his voice, his body however, gives everything away to Ian. Mickeys’ feet shuffle back and forth and Ian can see the hands twisting into his t-shirt where they’re crossed over his chest. 

He also sees the way Mickey checks him out, not completely in a sexual way but more in an observation way. Ian moves his jacket aside to reveal that he isn’t wearing his weapon or badge. This seems to relax Mickey, but only slightly. It would definitely look weird knowing that one of the parents at the gym was a cop and not asking questions about the ownership. At least without his badge, Ian is able to pose as a regular parent that won’t raise as many eyebrows.

“I wanted to bring you lunch and some good news,” he starts and smiles slightly when he sees Mickey quirk an eyebrow. “Karen isn’t going to rat.”

Mickey loosens his arms but stays close to the door. “How do you know?”

“She gave me her word.”

Mickey scoffs and rolls his eyes.

“I trust her, Mick, plus she bought you this sandwich,” he says holding it up and waving it suggestively.

Mickey finally moves away from the door and grabs the bag from Ians’ hand. He opens it and inspects it. “Well, gee, thanks Karen,” he says mockingly.

Ian sighs as Mickey puts the bag back on the desk and move around it, away from Ian.

“You should get back, I can’t have you back here for very long.”

He figured this is how Mickey would react, cagey and unsure. He know it’s a risk to be here, and he knows that Mickey won’t reveal anything when they’re outside of their bubble. But that’s why he’s here, to make sure that they still have a safe space to go back to.

“I know, but, I wanted to see you. I wanted to make sure that we-” he breaks off, unsure of what exactly he should say.

But Mickey seems to get it. “We’re fine, Ian.”

The words should give him peace but they don’t nearly as much as they should. Ian nods, knowing that as much as he wants to he can’t stay. He can’t make Mickey have this conversation, not when last night is still so incredibly fresh for the both of them.

“Did you take your meds?” Mickey asks just as Ian goes to turn away.

Ian nods, unsure of where the question will take them. He remembers always feeling angry when his siblings asked the same question. They would ask the second they saw him and expect his disorder to be cured after he swallowed a single pill. With Mickey, there’s less anger but Ian still feels a small prick of annoyance with the question. He doesn’t want Mickey to view him any differently. He’s still the same man that Mickey has grown to know the past two months. Nothing has changed, it only changes if Ians’ manic self decides to stop taking his medication.

It’s like Mickey can see the tension working its way through Ians’ face because he softens his tone and his face. He gazes at Ian with a trusting look, one that he usually saves for the apartment when they’re alone. He lets out a small smile at the admission then considers his desk. He looks up, showing no signs of worry or doubt. “I have a lot of work to do here, but I’m supposed to pick up Yev today from Lana. Would you mind doing it?”

His heart swells at the look in his boyfriends’ eyes. There’s trust there, admiration, and Ian knows there’s love too.

“Yeah, I can do that.”

Mickey smiles, the private one that only Ian and a few others really see. “We’ll do a late dinner, yeah?”

Ian nods once more, watching as Mickey unrolls his wrapped sandwich and gazes appreciatively at him. He leaves the office, quickly making his way out of the gym. They didn’t talk about everything unsaid. They didn’t even try to, Ian didn’t expect it. He really only did this so he could see Mickey and see if he was right to assume that they were okay. They were. They were actually okay. Mickey seemed to be okay with presuming their relationship. He seemed happy that Ian had persuaded him to stay rather than run.

Ian couldn’t help by smile, there was a lot of hope in that conversation. Knowing what he knows, Mickey still trusts Ian with his son. He still wants to include him in his life, in the major parts of his life. That alone, makes Ian want to do everything he can to prove to Mickey that he’s worth the fight. He’s worth fighting Terry and the feds and whoever else to keep their happiness alive.

* * *

Picking up Yev goes smoothly. He waits at the park until he sees the familiar faces of Lana and Yev. The little boy catches one sight of Ian and takes off towards him. Ian catches the boy easily and wraps him in a hug.

Lana sees him and smiles softly. They haven’t interacted as much, only a few times but those few times have been enjoyable. It’s hard knowing now, exactly how Yev was made. He watches the woman kiss Yev on the head, telling him to be good, and she looks like any other mother who loves her son. He doesn’t see a girl who was forced to sleep with a man at gunpoint. Maybe it’s because he knows the whole story, but he feels no anger or jealousy towards Svetlana. His initial reaction is to pity her, to want to help her. He can tell from the few times he’s met her, that she would hate the pity. Just like he hates the pity with his bipolar disorder. He knows that the only way for him to get in her good graces is to care for her son. One look at Yev and that’s an easy task.

But now, knowing what he knows, he sees a strength there that is unparalleled, he sees a fighter. He sees a woman who has done everything she can for her son and the father of her son. He does wonder, some days, if she ever resented Mickey the way he resented her. If she ever wishes that she never met the Milkovich family. But then again, they have Yev together. Ian knows how much the boy means to his father, so he can’t even begin to imagine what he means to Lana. In a way, he’s sure she doesn’t regret anything, just like he doesn’t regret anything that happened to him with Monica. He sees the warmth in her when she turns to him and greets him with a smile. She’s been nothing but kind to him, especially when Mickey introduced him as _the Ian._ Her face had lit up in happiness, an unsaid joke transferring between her and Mickey. Ever since then, she has been nothing but kind. Even encouraging the relationship. He wonders if she would convince Mickey to stay with Ian or if, because of Yev, that she would encourage him to run away and protect their own family. He can’t blame her if she chose to protect Yev, it’s an easy decision if you’re a parent.

“Mickey told me it would be you, make sure he goes to bed at a good time, yes?” Her accent shines through but Ian can tell that she’s worked hard to perfect the English language. 

He smiles and nods, both adults noticing the way Yev frowns at the instructions. “Mommy, can I have ice cream tonight?”

Ian smiles, knowing that Mickey only agrees to give Yev ice cream if Svetlana says it’s okay. 

“Yes, but only if daddy agrees.”

Ian takes pleasure in hearing Mickey referred to as a dad, knowing that Yev is a big part of who Mickey is now. He fell in love with every part of that man, him being a loving father, him being a protector, was a large reason for his fall.

Yev and Lana hug goodbye and they separate. Ian listens as Yev tells him all about school and his teacher who he likes but apparently Mickey doesn’t. Ian knows all about this teacher, the young woman who shows a special interest in Mickey whenever he’s around. Mickey likes the teacher, she treats Yev well, but lately he’s noticed a more aggressive flirtation.

Ian remembers Mickey calling him, all flustered after dropping Yev off at school one morning, talking about how he just blurted out that he was gay without any preamble. It took about five minutes for Ian to stop laughing before he could calm Mickey down. He smiles at the memory, knowing how big of a deal it was for Mickey to openly admit his attraction to men.

Now, apparently the teacher was back to being professional and actively ignoring Mickey unless absolutely necessary. Mickey prefers it this way, allowing Lana to take the lead with parent-teacher conferences.

Ian changes the topic of conversation to this week and what Yev will want to do with Mickey. Ians’ heart warms when Yev includes him in every activity. He knows how special this time is for Mickey, he would never insert himself without an invitation. Ian thinks about how Mickey included him last week with dinner and how much it had meant to him, he could only imagine what that meant for Mickey.

They talk the rest of the way about what Yev wants to do this week and what they’ll eat for dinner.

“Are we staying with you or dad tonight?”

Ian considers this, but doesn’t have an answer because they’ve never discussed this. He and Mickey haven’t spent the night together with Yev in the apartment. He wants to say that, it doesn’t matter where, they’ll be together no matter what. But he can’t promise that, he doesn’t know what Mickey is ready for. He’s about to give him some placated response when they come up to the entrance to the complex.

He can see the stairs that lead up to both apartments, and on them stand two Milkovich siblings that aren’t Mickey and Mandy. It’s Joey and –Ians’ blood seems to freeze- Iggy Milkovich, looking around. Fuck, Ian forgot about Iggy getting out soon. Murphy had been in a shit mood last week because of his release. 

Ian assumes they’re searching for Mickey but he’s so confused as to how they knew to look here. They get to the top of the stairs then take off in the direction of Mickeys’ door. Ian stops, grabbing Yev by the arm and moving the young boy behind him. Yev stops talking, making a surprised sound.

Ian feels his heart pound loudly in his ears as he watches the two Milkovich men make their way to the apartment. Feeling like some wretched nightmare, Ian realizes all at once what this means. He has Yev who looks like the spitting image of his father, he’s wearing his badge and gun declaring very publicly that he’s a cop and there is an all too real possibility that their protective bubble has just been forcefully popped. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY!
> 
> I know, I know, I know.... a cliff hanger! I had to do it, you know I had to do it! 
> 
> Y'all get ready because after this it doesn't calm down until the fucking epilogue. Sending love and hugs to you guys so you won't hate me! I'm tempted once again to upload another chapter today or tomorrow but it depends on how far ahead I write the other chapters! 
> 
> Thank you guys again for your love and I can't wait to hear what y'all think!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday everyone! I'm feeling very happy this week, I got a job working at a school and I also recently got my hair done! So ya know, feelin' like a boss bitch today! 
> 
> Thank you guys for your response to this fic, it's been more than I could have ever expected. 
> 
> I know I left y'all on a major cliffhanger last week (sorry not sorry lol) and I hope this brings you some answers that you wanted. 
> 
> Be prepared for some tears, some hurt and comfort, everything you want in a fanfiction, right?

If they had just been walking by, Ian would think it was a twisted coincidence that there was someone else the Milkovich siblings needed to harass. But no, they’re clearly looking for Mickey.

How did they find it? How did they find the one place that Mickey has worked so hard to hide? Ian knows the precautions that Mickey took in order to keep this place safe, it’s the only reason why Yev can come and stay with him.

Oh fuck, he thinks. Yev is with him right now, he has to get Yev into his apartment without being seen and without raising any questions from Iggy or Joey. He has to be someone that can blend into nothing, it’ll be easy enough for them to believe that Yev and Ian are a father-son duo. As long as they don’t see what Yev looks like, they won’t look twice. The biggest thing he has to hide is the fact that he’s a cop. They’ll get spooked if they see a cop anywhere near them.

Yev is looking up at him with confusion and as he tugs on Ians’ coat, he feels himself tugged back into the situation. He looks around quickly, hoping to see an easy way out, but the only thing that makes sense is to hide Yev. He has to get him upstairs, into his apartment without being seen. He pulls out his phone quickly, sending a quick text to Mickey. They rarely text and never call, not wanting to show up repeatedly on each other’s records. He types out a quick ‘911’ before pressing send.

Ian crouches next to Yev and takes his weapon and badge and shoves them deep into his bag. Yev is still asking him questions and Ian can see the fear in his eyes. He’s brought back to last night, seeing Mickey so physically scared that he became ill.

Ian places his hands on Yevs’ shoulders. “Yevy,” Ian starts, hoping the nickname will calm the boy down a bit. “I need you to listen very carefully, okay?”

The little boy doesn’t hear him, repeating the same question over and over again. It’s everything from “where’s my dad?” to “what’s going on?” and everything in between. Ian waits, only instructing Yev to take a deep breath.

“Yev, I know you’re scared but I need you to breathe for me. Can you do that?”

Yev nods, releasing his breath shakily. Ian knows that what he’s about to say won’t calm him down in the slightest, but hopefully once they’re both safe inside then he’ll be able to explain more. But here, they’re exposed and the longer they wait the more chance they have of getting unwanted attention.

“I’m going to pick you up and you’re going to keep your head on my shoulder. I don’t want you to look up, in fact, I want you to pretend to be asleep. Can you do that?”

“Why? Ian what’s going on? Where’s my dad?”

Ian swallows. “I don’t know Yev, but I do know that there are some men here looking for him and they can’t see you.”

He can see tears building in the boys’ eyes and his heart breaks. “I want my dad,” his lip quivers and his words are shaky.

Ian hugs him quickly. “Yev, everything is going to be alright, I just need you to trust me, okay?”

Yev latches his arms around Ians’ neck and nods. Ian takes a deep breath and lifts him up onto his hip. He rubs Yevs’ back all the way up the stairs, murmuring small encouragements. He wants to freeze when he sees the two Milkovich men camped out outside Mickeys’ door, but he keeps moving until he reaches his.

“Hey man,” a voice coughs.

Ian turns his head, keeping Yev shielded from Iggy Milkovich. He looks different than his mugshot. The same blonde hair and brown eyes, but the hair is buzzed short and he has more tattoos on the side of his neck. He raises an eyebrow, too terrified to speak.

“You see the woman who lives here?” He gestures to Mickeys’ door.

_Woman?_ Ian shakes his head.

“No? Maybe a shorter dude? Dark hair? He sometimes stays with the woman who lives here.”

He knows that Mickey lies about where he stays the night. He knows that Mickey talks about a girlfriend periodically around his family so they don’t ask too many questions. It’s a good lie, keeps him straight (literally) and away from his family. Ian shakes his head again, he finally gets his keys out of his pocket and goes to unlock the door.

He hears a rush of footsteps up the stairs and the familiar, “what the fuck?”

Ian feels Yev shift in his arms, but he clamps his hand down on his neck, whispering and begging the boy not to move. He keeps his face down at his keys, but listening to Mickey talk to his brothers.

“What the fuck are y’all doing here?”

“Good to see you too, dick!” Iggy laughs.

Ian peaks and sees that Iggy has his arm thrown around Mickeys’ shoulders, Joey stands near the door but watches with glee as his brothers reunite.

“How did you know where I was?” Mickey asks, he shoots a look at Ian and he hates how pale the man goes when he sees Yev on his hip.

“Mandy told us you stayed with your girl a lot, these days. Wanted to come by and see if you wouldn’t mind sharing the pussy,” Iggy says and Joey cackles.

Ian moves to unlock his door, finally getting his hand to stop shaking. He doesn’t stop to look back at Mickey, even when he hears the nervous laughter. He closes the door behind him, locking it and walks with Yev all the way to the bedroom.

The little boy is shaking now, his tears have soaked through Ians’ shirt. His grip doesn’t loosen until Ian sets him on the bed.

“I’ll be right back, stay here,” he whispers. It breaks his heart to hear Yev cry a bit harder and grab at Ians’ shirt.

“Yev, I have to go and make sure your dad is okay. I promise to be right back.” He waits until he feels the small boy nod and loosen his grip. He runs back to the door, trying to keep as quiet as possible.

He keeps his ear as close as possible while looking through the peephole. Mickey stands between his two brothers. He stands tensely with his arms crossed over his chest. His two brothers seem to be going back and forth, joking about their youngest sibling. Mickey keeps casting glances at the door Ian stands behind while also participating every now and then.

“You keepin’ a hot piece of ass to yourself bro?” Joey asks.

“Yeah, can’t believe you managed to tie one down,” Iggy laughs, it’s like razor wire against Ians’ skin.

“It’s nothin’ man, I just sleep here because it smells better than Joeys’ place,” Mickey responds easily.

Iggy cackles and Joey grumbles. Ian feels himself relax minutely as he listens to the brothers joke. Even if this situation is unprecedented, at least they seem to believe Mickeys’ lies.

“Is she hot?” Joey pushes.

Mickey glances at the door once more before looking at his shoes and shrugging. “A mouth is a mouth, man.”

Ian shuts his eyes, trying to keep his heart together. He doesn’t mean it, he thinks. He can’t mean it. He pushes out the unwanted memories of different men only seeing him as a piece of meat. Strangers only wanting one thing and one thing only. Instead, he tries to focus on the memories that he and Mickey have created. It’s hard though, when Mickey manages to sound convincing, even to Ian.

They somehow manage to forget about Mickeys’ mysterious apartment and girlfriend. Probably because Mickey offers to treat Iggy to a strip club and bar downtown. Ian reopens his eyes to see Mickey attempting to move them toward the stairs.

“Man, now you’re talking. I haven’t had good pussy since I went in,” Iggy says.

“Were you ever getting good pussy?” Mickey jokes, shoving his brother.

Ian notices how Mickey keeps shooting looks at the door. He’s stressed, clearly, and Ian wishes he could make up some emergency that would get Mickey away from his brothers. But he can’t, he knows that Mickey has to do this in order to fulfill some bullshit role that his family forcefully casts on him.

Both brothers whoop and start making jokes with their younger sibling about earning the big bucks now and how because of that it’s his turn to treat them. Ian listens as their voices carry away, not missing the way Mickeys’ voice shakes slightly when they bring up getting laid.

“Hey man, tonight is all about you, don’t worry about me.” Mickey says this looking back at the door and Ian knows that’s a message just for him. He can’t possibly know for sure that Ian is listening but hearing it helps his aching heart more the same.

He shuts his eyes, unable to watch the man he loves walk away. He knows what could happen tonight. He knows that there is a possibility that Mickey will have to hook up with a woman. It doesn’t mean anything, he knows this. He doesn’t feel betrayed or hurt by the other man. He only feels the pain that he imagines Mickey must feel.

He composes himself before going to get Yev. He can’t have the boy see him distressed. Fuck, what is he going to tell him? He walks back to his bedroom and sees that Yev has curled around one of Ians’ pillows, Mickeys’ pillow. He sits next to the boy on the bed and rubs his hand up his back.

“Yev, you can open your eyes now, buddy,” Ian says softly.

Yev does, but he only reaches up and holds onto Ian again. He does everything he can to curl further into Ian and Ian does everything he can to let him.

“Where’s my dad?” He asks, voice full of tears.

“He had to go take care of something Yev, he’ll be back later.” His stomach twists, as he contemplates the small lie he lets escape from his mouth.

Yevs’ head shoots up and his small body starts to wrack with tears. “Why didn’t he come with us? Why didn’t he say anything? Ian, what’s going on?”

Ian can only soothe Yev with back rubs and calming tones because he knows none of the answers to those questions. He doesn’t know how to explain to Yev that he had to pretend not to know who they are in order to protect them. How do you tell an eight-year-old that his dads’ family could very well kill them just for existing?

He doesn’t know when Mickey will come back, he doesn’t even know how he’ll come back. Will he come back in one full piece, ready to move on and enjoy his week with Yev? Or will he come back shredded and barely held together? He imagines it will be much later, probably after Yev goes to bed, until Ian can get the answers they both need.

* * *

Ian finally manages to get Yev calm enough to eat something. Ian serves them both mac and cheese, Yev only eating a small bowl. Ian puts on a movie in hopes that it will distract the boy long enough until he falls asleep. It does.

They make it through an entire movie before Yev finally falls asleep and Ian brings him into the bedroom. He puts the pillows around the boy, allowing him to curl around them. He makes sure that the pillow Mickey had slept on is in his arms, hoping it brings him comfort.

Ian sets an alarm on his phone and texts Karen, letting her know that he will be in late the next morning. If Mickey doesn’t show, then it will be up to him to bring Yev to school. He groans when he remembers that he is taking the following afternoon off for his appointment with Yui. He sends another text to Murphy, telling him that he would need the entire day off. Murphy responds with no problems and Ian feels like the worst detective. He could tell him that there is a family emergency, but then there would be questions, ones that Ian can’t answer.

He shakes away the guilt he feels over Murphy and focuses again on Yev. He will have to get in contact with Lana since this is technically Mickeys’ week. He could ask Yev tomorrow, if he knows.

He shakes his head, he’ll worry about that later. Plus, Mickey did see him with Yev so maybe Lana already knows. He pushes thoughts of Mickey out of his mind, knowing that if he continues he’ll fall down the rabbit hole and never resurface. He’s just finishing with cleaning the kitchen when there’s a soft click of the lock at the front door.

Mickey.

Ian watches from the hallway as the door tentatively opens. Mickey walks in looking around until his eyes fall on Ian. From here, Ian can see that his mind is going a mile a minute. He searches the room for Yev, he sees the closed bedroom door and makes his way over to it.

“He’s asleep, fell asleep about thirty minutes ago,” he breathes out as Mickey passes him. He studies Mickey, looking for any signs of fighting. There’s no visible bruises, no cuts, no blood. He looks shaken but not like he’d been heavily interrogated by Terry. He supposes that if he had, he wouldn’t be here.

Mickey nods, and opens the bedroom door. He walks over to his son who is sleeping soundly and curled around a pillow. Mickey caresses a hand through Yevs’ hair and kisses his head softly. Ian watches as the other man rests his head against his sons. He can only imagine how terrified he was to come home to Yev and Ian exposed to his brothers.

Mickey goes to stand up, kissing his son once more before quietly exiting and shutting the door. His eyes find Ian once more both men walk into the living room, not saying anything. Mickey keeps his eyes on Ian. For the first time, he looks unsure of what to do. He’s always looked confident, knowing exactly what to do around Ian. But now, he’s watching Ian studying him just like Ian had done to him.

“We’re okay, Mick,” he says stepping forward, keeping his hands out. He wants Mickey to take them but he isn’t sure how scared the other man is. He doesn’t want to spook him, he has no idea what Mickey has just experienced and any little thing could drive him further away from Ian.

Mickey nods and releases a breath. Ian watches as some of the tension dissolves from the other mans’ shoulders. However, there’s still the tense draw of his eyebrows and the way his eyes seem to flit about the room unable to focus on one thing for more than a second. Ian steps forward slowly.

“What happened tonight?” He asks.

Mickey takes his time to answer. Ian watches as those beautiful blue eyes settle on him for ten seconds, then fifteen seconds, then twenty before they fall to the ground and settling there. “Strip club,” he says finally. “I paid to let Iggy and Joey get wasted then made sure they got the gold card experience all night.”

Ian nods, encouraging Mickey to go on but he seems to be ending his explanation there. Ian steps forward, slowly at first as to not scare the other man. When he hears no objection he lifts his hands, letting them find their home on the sides of Mickeys’ face. “Are you okay?”

Mickey nods softly, as to not disturb Ian’s hands. “Yeah, it was fine, I’m fine.” He doesn’t sound nearly as confident as he wants to be.

“Mickey, I don’t care what you had to do. I just want to know if you’re okay.”

The other man bitterly laughs and shakes away from Ian. He lets him, recognizing the itchy behavior. He had felt that his first few nights in the hospital. Once the drugs finally made its way out of his system and he had come to terms with the past few months, all he could do was pace and rub away at dirt that wasn’t there.

He remembers taking the hottest showers, burning his skin to its’ rawest form then scrubbing until he felt some of his previous acts fall away and drain with the rest of the water. He remembers it being for nothing, nothing could fix how he felt. Nothing could stop the nightmares from coming each night, memories mixed in warping his mind and leaving him without sleep for weeks.

He hates to see Mickey look the same way, hates to see that he could ever feel that way.

“What I had to do,” he starts and shakes his head. “It was all bullshit. I thought that if I got them drunk enough that they wouldn’t fucking notice that I wasn’t drinking or paying any attention to the girls. But, fucking Iggy, all but pushed me into a room with one. A dance is one thing, that you can at least pretend but to be in a room where there are expectations-” He wipes his hands over his face, turning away from Ian.

“Mickey-” Ian starts but is cut off by Mickey, whose distress is evident.

“It’s like they know, it’s like they can fucking smell it on me or something. Fuck, I just, I don’t know. Iggy, he wanted to make sure I felt just as good as he did.”

Ian takes a deep breath, he knew this could happen. He knew as he watched Mickey walk away with his brothers that he would have to be more vigilant to prove to them that he was who they wanted him to be. He realizes that he doesn’t need to hear it, not if it means that Mickey will be tearing himself apart because of it. It doesn’t matter, nothing matters that much.

“I’m sorry,” Mickey whispers and Ian sees the shaking hands at his sides. “Ian, I’m sorry.”

Ian steps forward again, reaching out to his boyfriend who refuses to look at him. “I know, Mick, I know.”

It’s like Mickey can’t hear him because he keeps shaking his head, looking at Ian and repeating the same thing again. “I can tell you-”

Ian grabs Mickey, forcing him to look at him and trying to stop the ridiculous behavior. He wants to know whatever Mickey will tell him but not if it will destroy him in the process. “It doesn’t matter, whatever happened, it doesn’t matter.”

Mickey looks at him, allowing Ian to grab onto his arms. Whatever he sees he must believe because he starts to nod, more relaxed and less manic. He steps close, taking a breath and releasing it shakily.

“I love you, no matter what,” Ian finishes in a whisper, only enough for Mickey to hear and for Mickey to believe.

Mickey relaxes in Ians’ arms, going almost limp and letting Ian soothe him with his words. They stand in the living room for a few minutes, listening to the quiet tick of a clock and their synchronized breathing. Ian works to put as much love into his hold as he rubs up and down Mickeys’ back. He hears Mickey let out a shudder, similar to the one he makes right before he falls asleep.

“You too, ya know,” Mickey says just as softly.

Ian releases Mickey slightly, looking down at him questioningly.

Mickey steps back, they’re still close, touching almost everywhere but this way Ian can see his full face. He sees the nerves, feels them as Mickey takes a deep breath. “I love you, no matter what.”

Ian feels his heart constrict and his breath catch. He hadn’t expected to hear those words. He thought he didn’t need to, he knew what Mickey had felt when they had been together. He knows the steps they have taken together, the walls they have worked to tear down together. But hearing them, hearing Mickey admit to everything they both felt, was like drinking water after days of thirst.

Mickey reaches up and closes the distance between them. Their mouths slot together, feeling back to normal after the last few stressful days. There’s no desperation behind their kiss, it’s only an unshaken, unmovable love. Yes, there’s clear threats just outside their door but here in their love, Ian knows they can take on anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MY HEART! 
> 
> I love Ian and I love that Mickey feels comfortable enough to love Ian. Especially because he clearly isn't an environment where love of any kind is not accepted. 
> 
> I can't wait for you to read the rest, prepare your tissue boxes and your pillowcases (or whatever you cry into) and weep with me as I write the last 6 or so chapters of this beautiful fic. 
> 
> Thank you for your support, I can't wait to hear what y'all thought.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, I am so blocked this week. I really like how this chapter came out but I am struggling with the next one! 
> 
> I hope you like it, I liked writing it!

Ian wakes up to the sound of a door opening and closing in his apartment. If he wasn’t currently crushed into the corner of his couch in his living room, he would be scared that his front door had just opened. But no, it was back in his bedroom and he knows that Yev must’ve gotten up to go to the bathroom. He goes to sit up and is met with a terrible crick in his neck.

He groans but still begins to shake out his limbs and muscles, he wants to move to the bedroom so Yev won’t be scared when he comes back from the bathroom. He rolls his shoulders back, not finding much relief in the movement. He shouldn’t be surprised; his couch is great for watching T.V. but it’s not great for sleeping. A groan comes from the man sleeping on top of him, who also burrows deeper into Ians’ chest.

Ian casts a look at the clock on his T.V., it’s 3 in the morning. Mickey hates to be woken up by anything that isn’t his own will or sex. Ian is definitely going to get punched in the face for this. He looks down at Mickey, finding him peacefully sleeping on Ians’ chest. Of course, he’s comfortable, he’s been sleeping on Ians’ chest for the past three hours and not the uncomfortable butt crack of the couch. Ian rubs a hand down his boyfriends head, loving the sigh that comes in response.

Ian remembers how long it had taken to calm Mickey down last night. The way he had gripped at Ians’ shoulders as they kissed and the way he had whimpered when Ian had moved away to talk. He had been hesitant to let anything go further, he hadn’t want Mickey to feel the need to prove anything to him. Ian remembered how he used to feel that way, no amount of sexual favors could make up for the feeling crawling around his skin.

But last night, Mickey had been persistent.

_Their kiss does not stay gentle, Mickey’s hands grip tightly into Ians’ shoulders and he begins to move them to the couch. Ian grips Mickeys’ waist, steading his shaky steps. Ian wants to stop, he wants to take a breath and reassure the other man that this isn’t necessary, that they’re fine._

_Mickey pushes at Ian gently, falling back on the couch and uses their small separation to talk._

_“Mick,” he whispers. “We don’t have to-”_

_But his boyfriend doesn’t seem to hear him or care, he slides his body over Ians, scathingly slow and all thought goes out of his mind. Pleasure soars through his body and settle achingly in his core. Ian throws his head back and moans quietly, eyes closing in euphoria. Mickey attaches his mouth to Ians’ exposed neck and trails his hand down Ians’ body._

_Ian wants this, he wants to feel Mickey, he wants to feel the security of his body around Ians’. But, what if that’s not what Mickey wants? Just like that, his eyes flash open and watches Mickey move down his body. It isn’t hard to miss the way his hands shake and they grab at Ians’ waistband._

_Ian sits up, using his strength to sit up with Mickey. The other man looks up in question and Ian can see the guilt pooling in the beautiful blue irises. He reaches up and pushes Mickeys’ hair back with one hand and grabs gently at his hands to stop their persistence with the other._

_“We should stop,” he says quietly._

_Mickey looks confused, “don’t you want this?” He asks, sounding so unsure and so unlike his Mickey. It breaks Ians’ heart to hear it and to see it._

_He quirks a small, fond smile as he continues to play with the hair that has fallen on Mickeys’ forehead. “I’ll always want you Mickey,” he says._

_Mickey nods and then goes to move his hands; his hips shift slightly and Ian inhales a quick breath. He sees the triumph in Mickeys’ eyes, but one that is like a relief instead of pleasure. Ian stops him, once again._

_“But this won’t fix anything, Mick,” Ian starts._

_Hurt flashes in Mickeys’ eyes and he looks away from Ian. Or he tries to, but Ian grabs his face in both hands and holds it close to his own. They can feel each other’s breath span across their faces and Ian waits until Mickeys’ eyes meet his own. They’re brimming with tears, but Ian can see the defiance in Mickeys’ body as he wills them not to fall._

_“Because there is nothing to fix,” Ian finishes._

_And with that, all the fight Mickey had, goes out of him as he falls against Ians’ chest and shoulders. It doesn’t take long for the tears to soak through Ians’ shirt. They sit together on the couch, Ian holding Mickey and allowing him to feel everything that had happened that day._

_Ian goes to lie back, taking Mickey with him. They relax against each other, both men tightening their grip on each other, unwilling to let go. They’re still in their clothes and Mickey smells like alcohol and the undeniable fruity smell of a strip club. They ignore it, Ian repeatedly murmuring love and praise into Mickeys’ ear and willing the other man to relax into him._

_Mickeys’ cries quiet down and eventually he looks back at Ian, his eyes red and swollen. He leans up and kisses Ian chastely. They pull back but keep their faces close. Both men begin to breathe together, relaxing into the couch, into eachother, they let the darkness take them._

Ian isn’t sure if Mickey will want to talk about last night. He doesn’t have to talk about the club or his brothers. He doesn’t have to talk about any of it if he doesn’t want to, but Ian does want to make sure that he knows he never has to prove anything to Ian. Not in that way, ever.

He’s about to rouse Mickey when he hears the toilet flush.

Yev.

Ian winces and begins to jostle Mickey awake. Mickey groans and looks up at Ian in both question and annoyance. Before he can open his mouth to yell at his boyfriend, Ian holds up a finger to his mouth.

“Yev is awake,” he whispers and nods to the hallway.

Mickey sits up quickly then, his head snapping in the direction of the bedroom. He looks at Ian gratefully before giving him a quick kiss on the mouth. Ian barely has time to hum before the warmth of his boyfriend leaves him. Mickey pads his way down the hallway to his son. Ian follows behind at a slower pace, giving them space.

He hears Mickey call out for his son quietly and the immediate not-so-quiet shout of joy that comes from Yev. Ian looks into the bedroom and sees that Yev has jumped into Mickeys’ arms and has wrapped his entire body around his dad. Mickey is murmuring quiet words into his sons’ ear while rubbing a hand up his back.

Yev looks over Mickeys’ shoulder when he hears Ian come into the room. Mickey looks back at him and nods to him. Ian walks up and rubs Mickeys’ back and kisses Yev on the forehead. They stand there, holding onto eachother. It isn’t until Yev yawns that they move to the bed. Wordlessly, they crawl into bed, Mickey by the wall and Yev snuggled closely next to him. Ian sets an alarm so they can get Yev to school then gets in on the end.

Both men bracket the small boy and wait for him to fall back asleep before allowing themselves to relax fully into the mattress. Ian looks at Mickey who is watching Yevgeny and smiles. He reaches his hand out, placing it on Mickeys’ waist. His boyfriend looks over and an incredibly fond look takes over his face.

“Thank you,” Mickey whispers.

Ian can only nod before he feels his own eyes getting heavy. The last thing he remembers is feeling the warmth from Yevs’ back and Mickeys’ legs intertwining with his own. 

* * *

Ian wakes a few hours later to someone poking his cheek. He bats the intrusive finger away and buries himself deeper into his pillow. There’s a small laugh, one whispered as if to not wake the other occupants of the bed. Too late, Ian thinks. He remembers last night, remembers a few hours ago, finding a new peace in the situation. Ian wants to relax into that peace, let it take him further and further into a deep sleep.

Unfortunately, there’s a finger in his face and it seems to want Ian to pay attention to him. The poking starts again, quickly drawing Ian away from his peaceful sleep. He wants to be annoyed, but he recognizes the touch. He’s felt those same fingers ignite fire on his skin, he’s felt those fingers hold him together when nothing else could. He’s in love with those fingers and the man they are attached to.

He opens his eyes and finds Mickey perched on an elbow, leaning over a still sleeping Yev, with a recognizable smile on his face. If this was a normal morning, Ian would grab him and kiss him until both of them were begging for breath. There’s nothing he wants more, well that and a few more hours of sleep. Ian wipes a hand down his face and sits up to mirror Mickey.

“You ever heard of sleep, Mick?” Ian teases.

Mickeys’ grin widens and he glances down at Yev before looking back up. “I’d rather talk to you,” he whispers. They both remember that morning, the first morning they were able to have together and enjoy. The way they teased each other, the way they had kissed, the way they had made love without realizing what the exact feeling had been. It had been so simple then, they had been so arrogant to believe that it would stay like that forever.

Before Ian can say anything, Yev moves in his sleep. Nothing to worry about, just a simple sigh and readjustment of his head on the pillow. Both men stop, staying as quiet as possible as to not wake the boy. He deserves the sleep, Ian thinks. He knows that whatever sleep Yev had gotten before Mickey returned, it couldn’t have been anything restful. Ian nods to Mickey, motioning to the hallway. Mickey nods, and both men move as gently and quietly as they can.

Ian crawls over Yev, and lets Mickey tuck his son further into the blankets. Ian watches as he maneuvers the pillows on either side of him, giving the boy a comfortable pillow cocoon. When satisfied, Mickey takes Ians’ hand and they leave the room.

After shutting the door quietly, Ian and Mickey move to make breakfast for everyone. Mickey works on the eggs while Ian puts on a pot of coffee and takes his meds. The orange pill bottles clack as he twists the annoying caps off. He counts the pills out, making sure they’re all there, he notices the small glances Mickey gives him.

Ian realizes for the first time that he’s never taken his meds in front of anyone who wasn’t his family. He remembers the promise he made to Mickey, to keep him in the loop, to tell him if he was ever feeling off. Well, he’s not feeling off, quite the opposite actually, he feels better than he has in years. And because he feels this way he wants to show Mickey now. He doesn’t want to wait until it’s bad.

“I take these,” he holds up his pills, grabbing Mickeys’ full attention. “Twice a day, I have to take them with food or else I get the worst side effects.”

Mickey moves closer, taking a look at the multicolored pills in the palm of his hand. “What kind of side effects?”

“Mostly nausea and the shakes, but occasionally headaches along with those.”

Mickey nods then, “tell me more?”

Ian smiles. Mickey watches at attention as Ian shows him which pills were which and why he takes them. It’s nice, to show someone without having been asked. There’s a freedom in it, choosing exactly how to explain his disease. It’s always been forced out of him, by his family, when he joined the force. Yes, it was for his own good in hindsight, but to be able to have total control, was something he hadn’t realized he had wanted.

Ian takes his pills and they both eat a portion of the eggs along with some toast. They eat in silence, letting everything from last night and this morning sink in. They haven’t talked about what the arrival of the Milkovich siblings means just yet. Do they still have a safe space? Will Mickey have to move? Will Ian? Ian would move if it meant protecting what they have, he would do anything for that.

Mickey takes a sip of his coffee before speaking, “what did you tell Yev last night?”

“Not much, I wasn’t sure how much he knew already or what you wanted to tell him.”

Mickey scoffs. “I don’t want to tell him anything, but clearly I have to.”

Ian nods in understanding. “He was scared, last night. I didn’t know what to do, I just wanted to make sure they wouldn’t ask too many questions.”

“You did good,” Mickey says quietly. He reaches over to grab at Ians’ wrist. It had started shaking shortly after taking his meds and Ian had been struggling not to hide it. He doesn’t want to hide anything from Mickey even if years of old habits are telling him to do the exact opposite. “I was terrified when I got to the apartment, but when I saw that he was with you I felt better.”

Ian shakes his head. “I didn’t do anything, Mick.”

Mickeys’ grip tightens along with his voice. “You did _everything_ , Ian.”

They’re quiet again, they stare at eachother, relishing in the incoming sunlight from the living room windows. Yev will be up soon, he’ll have questions, they’ll need to have the answers. For now though, they stay silent in the kitchen, allowing for the air of peace to settle before ultimately ruining it.

“I’m going to have Yev stay with Lana this week, I don’t want to risk a repeat of yesterday.”

Ian nods. “What are you going to tell him?”

“I think I have to tell him some of the truth, not all of it. But I can tell him that my family is dangerous and not someone I want him around. So, until I handle it, he can’t stay here with me.”

“Handle it?”

“That, I have no idea,” he sighs. He looks back at Ian. “But I’m hoping you’ll help me.”

“Of course.”

Yev comes out of the room not too much later, he looks relieved to see his dad and walks straight to him. Mickey pulls him onto his lap, and pushes a plate of food in front of him. The little boy nibbles at his food for a second before beginning his intense questioning.

Mickey says exactly what he said he would. That there’s a reason he doesn’t have any other family aside from his parents and his aunt Mandy (“don’t forget about Ian, dad” “could never forget about Ian, buddy”). He talks about how it’s nothing to worry about, but that he can’t be here while they’re around. Yev seems to already know that he’s going back to his moms, he isn’t happy about it. In fact, he gets pretty upset, gripping onto Mickey and pleading with him to let him stay for his week.

Mickey takes him into the bedroom to finish the talk and Ian cleans up breakfast. His heart breaks when he hears Yev cry louder, but he knows it’s for the best. Ian thought about this last night, thought about any possible way to speed up the trial against Terry. He hasn’t told Mickey this, it’s barely an idea in his head but it’s something he’s considered before.

If there was a way he could get Bowing to admit Mickey, Lana and Yev into WITSEC together then maybe that will make it easier for Mickey to flip. If he’s already gone by the time he makes a statement then that will make it harder for Terry to find them. Especially if Ian pulls some strings he has with his Captain and Murphy.

The more he thinks about it the more he likes it, the only problem being that it involves exposing Yev and Lana to the feds. As far as they know, they don’t exist. It feels like the best plan but it could also destroy everything Mickey has built for himself the past nine years.

His thoughts are interrupted when Mickey comes out of the bedroom without Yev. He looks stressed and Ian quickly pulls him into a hug. The other man goes easily, resting his head on his boyfriends’ shoulder.

“He’s getting ready for school, I texted Lana and told her the problem,” he sighs and he sounds so close to breaking that Ian grips him tighter. “Jesus, how did we get here?”

“Iggy got out of prison?” Ian supplies, willingly unhelpful but mostly trying to loosen Mickey up.

“Fucker had to be on his best behavior, I guess.”

There’s silence then both men break down into a fit of giggles. It seems entirely inappropriate but neither man can stop. They giggle like school children, leaning on each other when it becomes too difficult to stand. Mickey lifts his head off of Ians’ shoulder and Ian has to stop himself from blurting out his idea. This isn’t the time nor the place, plus he doesn’t want to tell Mickey anything until he has a better grasp on how plausible this is.

Mickey watches Ians’ face change and he tilts his head questioningly. He opens his mouth to ask the question, no doubt resting on his tongue, but then Yev walks out, holding both his overnight bag and his backpack. He looks sullen and Ian smiles at how similar he looks to his dad.

Mickey looks at his son, then back at Ian and his curious look turns mischievous. “What?”

Ian shakes his head and kisses Mickeys’ forehead. “I know that look,” he starts and as he sees Mickeys’ eyes scrunch in confusion he continues, “I’ve seen it on you.”

Mickey makes the exact same face that his son did, only this one is tinged with annoyance. Ian only laughs and shrugs. He sees the way Mickey tries not to smile at Ians’ laugh but his lips twitch at the corners. Ian kisses the corners and then steps away so Mickey can get ready to take his son back to Lana.

He watches as Mickey throws on his jeans and boots from last night. Ian sits down at the table so that he can be in Yevs’ eye line. The little boy chews thoughtfully on his lip and Ian waits for the inevitable question. Damn, him and Mickey really are twins. The little boy looks behind him, listening to his dad use the restroom.

“Ian?” He asks. Ian hums and waits again for Yev to continue. “Are you going to arrest my dads’ family?”

Ian sits back and swallows. Yev doesn’t just look like his dad, he’s smart like him too. How does he answer this? How can he say that he wants to? That, there can’t be any future for them if he doesn’t? How does he say that there is nothing he’d rather do? This conversation goes against everything they’ve built in this place. Granted, last night smashed the window altogether so Ian guess it doesn’t really matter.

Ian can’t even say that even if doesn’t, someone will because then that changes everything. Then Yev will want to know when. He’ll want to know when he’ll be able to visit his dad again and not have to worry about the scary men showing up again. He’ll want all the answers that Ian wants.

Before he can answer, Mickey walks back out. His face doesn’t give anything away but if Ian knows anything about the man then he knows that he’s just as interested as his son. Mickey pats Yev on the shoulder and they all forget about the previous conversation. More like choosing to let it hang in the air without commenting on it, Ian thinks.

Mickey helps Yev go through his bag to make sure he has everything. Ian watches silently, watches as the man he loves continues on as if their world hadn’t been altered last night. He thinks about the last few days, Mickey being interrogated, Karen knowing, Iggy being back, the multiple reasons for the two of them to breakup. And yet, here they stand, persevering. They go about their morning, focusing on the most important thing to them, their family. As they say goodbye, allowing one last moment of peace before venturing out into the world, Ian wishes more than he ever has before that he would be able to keep this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Doesn't your heart just ache for them??? 
> 
> This chapter always felt like a filler chapter but I wanted to make sure that there were still some important details thrown in and also it felt relevant to the characters. 
> 
> Thank you for deciding to click on my story today, I have so much love for each and every one of you!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday everyone!! Oh man, can you believe that we are already on chapter 15??? Can you guys also believe that we only have five more chapters plus an epilogue left?? I just finished with chapter seventeen and y'all my babies are struggling but as if their life. 
> 
> This chapter is a rough one, I'm sorry to say that the rest of them are rough and these boys really go through it. I hope you enjoy reading it because I really loved writing it! 
> 
> I really only skimmed some of the edits on here so it might be a little rusty but the important parts are all there! 
> 
> Enjoy!

Ian barges into Bowings office without knocking. He’s still freshly showered but wearing his casual street clothes. He hadn’t bothered to change into anything professional since he doesn’t plan on staying long. All he has to do is convince Bowing to give Mickey a deal before he gives his testimony and then Ian can finally give Mickey the protection he deserves.

He’s disappointed however when he finds the office devoid of Bowing. He looks around, checks the clock, he should be in. The feds are always in early and last to leave. Ians’ surprised he doesn’t find a cot in this office. He looks at the giant bulletin board at one end of the office. It contains all the details of the case, the Milkovich family tree and hierarchy, The Parella connections, the businesses involved in the family, everything one would need to investigate the Milkovich family.

There’s a picture of Mickey, his same mugshot from years ago pinned to the board. Ian’s amazed that this is the same man who woke him up by poking his cheek. The same man who begged Ian to not hate him for what he had to do to survive. He places his fingers on the picture, tracing the blue eyes that stare icily back at him.

_I’m doing this for him,_ he thinks. _For us._

The door is shoved open and it breaks Ian out of his gaze with the picture. Bowing stands before him, holding a to-go cup of coffee and a bag of what Ian assumes is a breakfast sandwich from the deli down the street.

Bowing looks Ian up and down, finding something amusing in his appearance. He scoffs and closes the door behind him. He walks past Ian without a second glance and places his breakfast on his desk. He takes his time settling down, he places his jacket on the back of his chair, moves around some files and then settles down behind the desk. He takes his food out, smooths out his bag before placing his sandwich nicely on top of it with his coffee cup holding down one of the corners.

He raises his eyes, looking expectantly at Ian.

Suddenly, he doesn’t know where to start. He came in here with this idea that he would fix everything in this one conversation. He came in here, preparing to not leave without a protection deal for Mickey, he came in here preparing to fight for the most important thing in his life right now. And yet, looking at Bowing who has all the power in his hands to make this happen, he can’t form a single word.

He needs this to happen though, he can feel it. He can feel the pressure to protect, not only Mickey but Yev and Lana too, deep in his bones. He can feel the way it strums through his body, he’s a livewire, exposed and irritated. It’s because he needs this to happen, he needs to get Mickey away from Terry. He needs to get Lana away from Iggy and he needs Yev to never meet these people and only grow up with a family who loves him and supports him.

He opens his mouth to say this, but then closes it again because he can’t say that. He can’t say any of it. He stares at Bowing, hoping he can see that he’s trying and not just standing like a jackass in his office.

“I heard you weren’t coming in today,” he says through a bite of food.

Ian nods, yes, he can start there. “I changed my mind.” 

Bowing lifts an eyebrow. “Is that the only reason?”

Oh fuck it.   
“I know why Mickey hasn’t flipped yet,” he starts.

Bowing sits back, reclining in his chair. He throws his feet up onto his desk and folds his arms back behind his head. “Mickey, is it?”

Ian ignores him, in fact, it’s like the dam has broken and he develops this tunnel vision. Nothing else exists except these words that live in his head and are reading in front of him like a prompt. If he doesn’t get them out then there’s no way that this plan works, everything will be ruined and there’s no way Ian will survive this.

“He won’t flip unless he knows that you’ve got his back. He has no reason to trust you, he has no reason to trust that you’ll be able to protect him. And, why should he? The only thing you’ve done is pull him into an interrogation room for two days and expect him to just roll on the only family he’s ever known.”

Bowing hums and Ian keeps going.

“Yes, that family is a shit show and it’s an abusive and toxic environment, but it’s all he’s known. It’s all he knows, and in that family, they don’t do things for nothing. Plus, Mickey actually has his life on track. The gym is almost completely legit, he’s doing good in the neighborhood and trying to protect kids who are in shitty situations. Why would he want to leave that? Why would he want to abandon that for some asshole in a suit who hasn’t done shit for him? You know?”

Bowing hums again, and it’s the only pause Ian gives him.

“You have to put him in protective custody first, keep him there for a few weeks, show him that you can actually protect him and whoever he needs protected. Then, he’ll give you what you want, he’ll tell you whatever you need to put his dad away. e’;lHe

He’ll do it because it’s his life this affects too.”

He takes a deep breath, finding the scrolling script come to a stop. He looks to the photograph of Mickey again, as mean and cold as ever. He finds that he can’t look at it for too long, he has to look away. His hands are shaking, he notices and he squeezes them at his sides before Bowing can also notice.

“Who else would he need to protect?” Bowing asks.   
Ians’ head snaps up. Bowing is now standing behind his desk. He looks calm, not at all annoyed by Ians’ rambling and his plan that could very easily get rejected. He walks around his desk, passing Ian and going straight to the board filled with the Milkovich family.

“Who does Mickey Milkovich have in his life that he wants to protect?” He stares at the same angry picture of Mickey before turning back to Ian expectantly.

Ian stutters for a bit before saying, “I don’t know. His sister, maybe?”

Bowing is quiet as he studies Ian. He isn’t sure what Bowing sees when he looks at Ian. Does he see a kid who is clearly in over his head? Does he see a cop who is just trying to win this case? Or does he see Ian exactly as he is, a man in love with the wrong person? Does he see right through Ians’ lies and anxiety?

“Maybe,” Bowing murmurs. “Or maybe,” he says again. “He has more going on in his life than he wants anyone to see. Mickey is smart, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was able to have a whole other life without anyone noticing. Would you be?”

Ian makes a sound in the back of his throat. Something mixed between a groan and a whimper. He knows, Bowing knows and if Ian is going to be brutally honest with himself then he’s known for a while. But why not say anything? Why only hint at it with jokes and subtle questions? Why has he not turned Ian in?

“Just, do it. Make it happen,” he says, his voice thick. “Please, Bowing.”

Bowing watches him again, his face going soft around the edges. He sees something in Ian, something he hasn’t quite seen before. It shocks him, that much Ian can see. Bowing nods and Ian turns to leave.

“You won’t be able to go with him,” he says and Ian stops a foot away from the door, his hand hovering over the knob. “I can hide people who don’t exist, I can hide someone who already has a tendency to disappear, but I can’t hide someone who doesn’t.”

His breath hitches. A startling truth coming into his head. He thinks about responding, about giving a nod but he can’t get himself to move. This truth is like concrete settling his feet, grounding him to the spot.

“You got him what he needs, Ian. You got him and whoever needs it, protection, but now you have to let him go.”

Bowing speaks so softly, so gently, that he doesn’t sound like himself. Ian would turn, but his face would give everything away. Bowing can know about Ian, he can know that he’s been breaking every ethics code out there, but to see it so clearly written on his heartbroken face is too much.

As high strung as he felt coming in here, this conversations settles everything down inside of him. Everything dims, everything feels heavy, nothing feels as important as it did this morning.

_It’s done,_ he thinks. It’s over, he got what he needed but he also has to give up everything he wants. Ian nods at Bowing and then he finally lifts his hand to grab the door. He’s out of the precinct in less than a minute.

* * *

He’s sitting in the waiting room for his appointment with Yui. He’s staring at his feet on the floor, he vaguely hears the receptionist take calls and the sound of a door opening and closing. He can’t find it in him to focus on any of it. All that goes through his mind is his conversation with Bowing and the unsettling weight of what he has to do when he sees Mickey again later.

There’s a sudden weight on his shoulder and he looks up to see Yui standing over him with a clear look of concern on his face. 

“Ian? I’ve been calling you for a few minutes, are you alright?”

He opens his mouth to respond but finds himself choking on the words. He makes a few attempts before settling on a simple head shake. Yui cuts him off with a few comforting sounds and reaches a hand down to help Ian stand and make his way into the office.

Yui assists him all the way to Ians’ normal spot on the couch. He grabs a water for him and makes him drink half the cup before sitting down opposite him with his notebook.

“I have to be honest, Ian, I’m a bit worried right now. How are your meds treating you?”

Ian should be angry, he should lash out at him for assuming that everything he’s feeling is because of his head and not his heart. But he’s not angry, he’s not angry because he is almost positive that after today and after tomorrow, he has a feeling that his head will take over and leave him feeling lower than he has in months.

“I have to break up with Mickey,” he says without answering Yuis’ question.

His doctors’ face is one of surprise but he morphs it quickly into one of understanding. He nods, letting Ian continue.

“I got him the protection he needs, I got him and his family what they need so that Mickey will testify and finally put Terry in jail. But that means, that he’ll leave, he’ll take his family and leave. And I have to let him go.”

Yui opens his mouth but Ian cuts him off one last time. “I’m telling you this, because I’m probably going to get low again after I do it. I’ll need you to call Lip and let him know because I won’t do it.”

There’s an apathetic tone to his voice that he hasn’t heard in so long and it should scare him, he shouldn’t want this. He should be chasing the high that he was on this morning he should be wanting to find a way to stay with Mickey. He should be fighting, but he knows that he can’t, so he won’t.

He looks at Yui who nods solemnly and writes a note on his paper.

There’s a few more moments of quiet before Yui clears his throat and asks Ian if he wants to talk about it anymore, he doesn’t. Instead, he thanks Yui for his help but that he needs to take a walk and ready himself for tonight. He isn’t surprised by Yuis’ willingness to let him go, not when they’re both aware of what exactly is going to be happening the next few days.

* * *

His walk takes him to the park near his apartment building and he decides to sit at the bench for a moment. He takes a deep breath, sitting with the knowledge of what to do. It won’t go well, after last night he knows that Mickey will fight him on it. He’ll be confused because last night, Ian was telling him that there was nothing that could push him away from Ian. There still isn’t, but he doesn’t think this is pushing him away, this is mercy. 

A yell to his left takes him out of his thoughts. It isn’t anything bad, he inspects. In fact, it’s a father and a son throwing a baseball back and forth. The boy can’t be any older than Yev, and he apparently just made an awesome catch if their celebratory yells are anything to go by. Ian watches them as they celebrate. The young boy throws himself into his dads’ arms, laughing and looking off to the side at someone else.

That someone else is another man, holding a baby on his hip. This man smiles at the two, goofily cheering with the baby and dancing over to the other two. Ian watches in amazement as the two men come together in a kiss. He’s surprised by their actions. He’s not surprised to find that there are more gay men in Chicago (hello, Boystown exists for a reason) but maybe he’s surprised by the PDA somewhere other than Boystown.

Suddenly, the feeling in his chest is no longer surprise but longing and even jealousy. These two men are happy, they have kids, they get to kiss in public. _They’re free,_ Ian thinks. They’re free to be who they are, to be in love and to have a family. They don’t have to worry about mobs or about shitty fathers and homicidal brothers out on parole. No, they just have to worry about being together, being dads and being husbands.

He and Mickey will never have that, Ian thinks. They will never be able to do that, to have kids, to get married, to be together. They will never be free, because they do have to worry about mobs and fathers and homicidal brothers. They do have to worry about being themselves in public because it directly affects their lives. Ian will never get to ask Lana and Yev for their blessing to marry Mickey, he wouldn’t do it without their blessing. They would have a small wedding, the courthouse and then a party with the people that matter most.

A few years down the line they would look into having a kid of their own. Maybe they would adopt or use a surrogate, but they would expand their family. They would move out of the apartment complex, they would get a house near Lana and Yevs’ school. They would create a life that works with both of theirs. They would be happy, they would be happy, they would be happy.

But instead, they’re trapped. They’re trapped here, they’re trapped in the shit state of the south side that’s run by Terry Milkovich and sons. Well, Mickey isn’t. Mickey could still have that, he could have all of that just not with him. He doesn’t know where Mickey will end up, but maybe he’ll end up somewhere that he can be himself and allow himself to fall in love and let someone in the way he let Ian in.

It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but he swallows it none the less and sits some more on the bench wishing that he didn’t have to break his own heart to give Mickey his.

* * *

He doesn’t turn his phone on until he gets back into his apartment. He should’ve turned his phone on earlier. He really should have. If he had, he would’ve seen the texts earlier.

He gets home and all of his texts start coming in at once. A few from Lip, one from Murphy checking in and then the last one from Karen. Karen, with a simple text.

**Did you know that Mickey has a son?**

He’s standing in the middle of his living room, frozen with his phone in his hand. How? How does she know? If she knows then everyone else at the station has to know and if they know then they are only days away from Terry Milkovich killing not only Mickey but Lana and Yev. There’s no denying it, there’s no working their way out of this. Everyone knows and Mickey has to get out now.

He dials his number quickly, it goes straight to voicemail and his stomach drops. Please, don’t let everything be for nothing. They were so close, he almost got Mickey out of this fucking city and away from his family. He tries again and again it goes to voicemail. Ian lets out a groan and keeps dialing and redialing until there’s a sound outside his door.

It opens and shuts quickly and then Mickey is standing there looking murderous. Oddly, Ian thinks that this might work out for him. If Mickey is angry then he’ll want to leave on his own accord, oddly exposing Yev and Lana will be4 the catalyst for Mickey to flip.

Before he can open his mouth, a fist lands on his face. Mickey pounces on him and begins to hit him, over and over and over again. He’s yelling at him, shaking him, spitting at him. Ian takes it all, lets the man he loves spew anger at him, lets his hole be dug for him.

“What the fuck, Ian?” He finally spews.

He gets off of him and storms away, pacing in his living room. Ian stands, he runs his hand gently over his face. He has a split lip, a black eye, he’ll have a few bruises from being thrown to the floor.

“Bowing approached me outside of Yevs’ school this morning,” Mickey states.

Ians’ eyes scrunch in confusion, a shot of pain makes its way up through his face. He thinks back to this morning, Bowing was late and it wasn’t just to get breakfast. He had already approached Mickey when he found Ian in his office this morning. How long has he known? Has he known as long as he’s known about Ian? There’s a bit of relief that he wasn’t to blame for this.

“You’re the only person who knows where that is, did you tell him?” He asks so plainly, as if he’s asking if Ian picked up milk on the way home from work.

“I didn’t tell him about Yev,” he starts. He holds Mickeys’ eyes, he can’t have him believe that he would betray him like that. Not when everything he’s done, has been to protect them. “But I went to see Bowing this morning, and he knows about us.”

Mickey scoffs and Ian sees that he looks one step away from hitting him again. He also looks like he’s holding back a waterfall of tears. “Did you tell him about us?”

“No,” Ian says quietly. “But I do think he’s known for a while.”

Mickeys’ eyes grow wide and he resumes his pacing in the living room. Ian just watches him, he takes in every part of him. This is the end, this is what he’s been fighting against and yet fighting for this whole time.

_Let him go._

“Mickey,” he starts, his voice cracking and he sees the way Mickey flinches and a flash of hurt goes across his face. It makes Ian feel worse, he can see the fight in Mickey in the way that he doesn’t want to hate Ian or attack him but every instinct in his body is telling him to run and never look back. So, now it’s Ians’ turn to push him in the right direction. “I love you, so much. I’m so sorry, if I could fix it, I would.”

Mickey stops and walks up to Ian. He’s so close and Ian takes a moment to breathe him in. He’ll miss this so much.

“Fix what, Ian?” There’s an anger simmering in the blue eyes that Ian fell in love with first.

He shrugs helplessly. “I don’t know, us, I guess.”

Mickey scoffs and the fight in his eyes go out. All that is left is a fury that can only be directed at him. “Yeah, but can’t fix something that’s just meant to be broken, right?”

A tear betrays him and falls down his cheek. He makes no move to swipe it away and shrugs instead. “I did this, so you could be safe. So you could all be safe, Mick.”

Mickey takes a step away, wiping his hand down his face. “You did something all right.”

He keeps walking closer to the door, away from Ian, taking the pieces of him with him. Ian feels like a forgotten puzzle, destined to live on a dusty shelf with half of his pieces missing and sorted into other boxes and dark places.

“We’re done, Red. Take care of yourself,” Mickey says without looking back.

The door shuts with a loud bang, and just as quickly as he came into his life Mickey left it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me!
> 
> This had to happen, they can't just walk into the sunset not with everything going on! Don't worry, you'll get all the answers and fluff later... or will you??? ;) 
> 
> I was watching Law and Order SVU and I forgot that Noel played a part in season 10! The first appearance is in the episode entitled: Ballerina and then in a few others following that one. Oh man, what a trip, it was pre-Mickey days too! His blue eyes pop in that episode and man, he is just so freakin' beautiful! 
> 
> Anyway, thank you for your support. I promise that I love every comment and kudos and that I am just awful at replying to them! Love you guys!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm sorry this is so late!! 
> 
> To make up for it, I'm posting two chapters today and boy are they long! They aren't edited because I'm lazy but I feel really good about both chapters! 
> 
> Enjoy this my lovelies!

Ian isn’t used to waking up alone. He’s been waking up to Mickey every morning for the last month, and now he’s left with the smell of him on his pillow. He remembers yesterday like a swift kick to the gut. Pieces of Mickey still exist throughout the space, some of his clothes are on the floor, an extra toothbrush rests beside his sink and even a few of Yevs’ pages of artwork litter the living room.

He has to give it all back, he knows this. He has to pack it all up, give up every memory and every smile into a box and leave it outside Mickeys’ door. He would hold onto all of it, if he could. But it’s Bowings’ voice in his head that rings through every potential want and hope.

_Let him go._

_Let him go.  
Let_

_Him_

_Go_

Thinking about Bowing sends a new emotion through him at record speed. He remembers last night seeing the fear in Mickeys’ eyes and how he had accused Ian at spilling about Yev. He remembers how Bowing had already known about Yev and Lana and Ian by the time Ian had come to him begging to give Mickey protection.

Sure, it didn’t change the outcome, Ian was always going to make Mickey leave and hate him but what Bowing did, not only jeopardized Mickey accepting the protection but also endangered Yev. Ian feels the anger simmer inside of him. It’s what compels him to get out of bed and dress quickly.

* * *

Like yesterday, Ian barges into Bowings’ office. This time, Harvey is with him, going over something on the board. Neither look surprised to see him and neither look ready to kick him out. Bowing just sighs and motions for Harvey to leave them.

Ian barely looks at him as he passes. He keeps his eyes on Bowing until he hears the soft click of the door. Bowing looks at Ian, matching his stare. It’s much like yesterday morning, Ian trying to find out what Bowing sees when he looks at him. Does he still see the man stricken with having to give up the one thing in his life that he truly wanted to keep? Does he see the anger that is solely directed at Bowing?

“Good plan, by the way,” Bowing says. “We got what we wanted.”

Ian scoffs in disgust. “You,” he says. “You got what you wanted.”

Bowing arches an eyebrow in question.

“How could you expose Yev and Lana like that?”

Bowing nods as if he had been expecting this which only enrages Ian more. There’s a casualness to his attitude, like this small bit of information is nothing more than footnote on the case.

“That wasn’t my intention,” he starts.

“Then what the fuck was it, Bowing?” He yells suddenly, feeling absolutely done with this conversation and wanting answers and not bullshit.

“A mistake!” He yells back. “Are you happy now? It was a mistake Ian, one that I couldn’t’ve foreseen.”

Ian scoffs again and begins to pace throughout the office. He understands mistakes, he’s made plenty even on the job. But what he doesn’t understand is the lack of care when dealing with witnesses. Even though Ian hasn’t had to deal with a federal witness case, he’s had his own witnesses in his own cases and their safety is his personal job to ensure.

He hears Bowing continuing to talk, talking out of his ass more like it but Ian barely hears him. He can only imagine, with how many people know about Yev and Lana, the amount of danger they’re in. He can only imagine the fear that’s running through Mickeys’ veins. He can only imagine how much he must hate Ian right now.

“… Murphy has half a mind to ask Lana to testify against Iggy in the assault case.”

Ian stops and watches as Bowing at least has the decency to look upset by this. He doesn’t meet his eyes and instead turns to look at the board.

“You can’t do that, they will kill her and Yev and Mickey, fuck as if they don’t have enough reason to do that already.”

Bowing spins around. “Yes, I am aware of that, Ian. I’ve managed to keep that out of the deal, she should be able to get protection with Mickey and their son without having to testify.”

Ian nods, placated for a moment. They’re both quiet for a moment, seeming to find interest in the board. Like always, Ian finds Mickeys’ picture first, the angry eyes that are so similar to the ones that barged into Ians’ apartment. He never wanted to know that Mickey, to know the rage that drove him for years. He understands it, but wishes that he never had to experience it, no matter how justifiable it was.

Ian is shocked to see that there are more photos of Mickey on the wall. They’re taped up next to his mugshot. The first one is a picture of Mickey, Yev and Lana at the park they make the switch at. They look happy, both parents smiling down at their son and Mickey holding onto his hand tightly. The second one sends a shock down Ians’ spine. It’s of him and Mickey, both standing outside their complex on the sidewalk, it’s before they were dating.

The next picture, is clearly after, both men standing outside Ians’ door. Mickey has his hand placed on Ians’ chest. He remembers that morning, both had been leaving for work around the same time. That was a rare occurrence, Mickey would usually leave while Ian went for his run to go and open the gym, but that morning he had stayed in bed until Ian had come back. Both had been late for work, deciding to spend more time in bed together and enjoy each other’s company. Mickey had kissed him before he left and Ian remembers that it felt like he could do that every day for the rest of his life.

He stares longingly at the photo, feeling far away from the two men in the photograph. He doesn’t realize how long he’s been staring at the photo until Bowing stands next to him and gently clears his throat.

“I found Mickey shortly after being reassigned here. Finding the apartment was easy, seeing you surprised me but when you didn’t say anything I thought that you just wanted to stay on the case. I found out about Lana and Yev around the same time you did. I only told Harvey a few days ago when I realized that he would need to know for the protection order.”

Ian looks up, finding Bowing looking at him with kind eyes. He can’t stand to look at them for long and goes back to studying the board. Bowing keeps talking, “I have some other pictures of you and Mickey.”

He hears the rustle of a file and suddenly he’s being shown more compromising pictures of him and Mickey. There’s a few of them kissing, through a window in Mickeys’ apartment, outside one of their doors. The best one though, is the one of Ian leaving the complex, Mickey watching him go with a very private smile on his face. It nearly brings Ian to tears and he focuses on Bowings’ voice.

“I didn’t mean to catch anything too intimate, I only needed to make sure the nature of your relationship. When I got that, I waited for you to come forward but then after a while I knew you wouldn’t.”

“How did you know?” He asks. “That I wouldn’t come forward?”

Bowing considers and thankfully ignores the way Ians’ voice catches on the question. He takes longer to answer then Ian would’ve thought. The agent is usually so quick, firing back responses and not holding back any thoughts. He’s so sure all the time, never having to doubt what comes out of his mouth. This time, it’s like he’s seriously considering what he’s about to say, almost as if he’s doubting his own thoughts and words. It makes Ian all the more interested.

“Because I know what it’s like to love someone that you can’t have.”

It’s the exact opposite of what Ian thought he would say. In fact, he stares at the agent for longer than necessary trying to put his thoughts together. He knows? It’s not something that Bowing would ever say, he isn’t the type to share personal information about himself in order to get close with other people.

The inflection in his tone makes Ian think that he knows like Ian knows and it’s what makes Ian speak again, “how?”

Bowing snorts but it’s a bitter sound. “I was around your age when I met someone that made me want to give up everything for them. I had never felt anything like it before and was worth tanking my career for.”

“What happened?”

“We met in college, shared a similar distaste of our Latin classes. It didn’t take long for that to turn… intimate. It was great, it was fun. I was in love, we both were and before I knew it we had planned this whole life together. We planned to get married after I finished the academy, start a family,” he says this like a detached bystander.

“And?” Ian asks desperately.

“Like all things, kid, it had to come to an end. Our families found out eventually and got into our heads. They told us what we already knew but were too foolish to come to terms with. It didn’t take long for us to be split apart and not amicably, either.”

Ian can understand families getting in the way, and he can understand the trials that come along with defying those families. But him and Mickey were pulled apart by forces beyond their control. “Why didn’t you fight it?”

He should’ve worded it better, he should’ve been more delicate but he can’t comprehend it. Bowing doesn’t scare easily, in fact he’s the one to scare people. He doesn’t cower to anything but this seems like he did. Bowing doesn’t take offense, or at least he doesn’t act like he does. He stares at the picture of Ian and Mickey, almost like he recognizes their affection.

“Ian,” he says looking at him and surprisingly, there are tears in his eyes. “I’m a dark skinned black man. It’s been the biggest fight of my life to get where I am and I have had to sacrifice so much to get it.”

Ian nods, still not getting it but grasping at anything so he can. “They were a sacrifice?”

Bowing shrugs. “We were reminded that no matter how invincible we feel, there’s always something waiting to just bring you down. I was a young black man that wanted to be an FBI agent, I had the potential to be a neighborhood success story. But to my partner, I was about to be an anchor that drug them down.”

“So you…?”

Bowing turns away, but Ian notices the tear that escapes. “I made them hate me. It wasn’t hard, their parents planted enough seeds and I just watered them.”

Ian hears the similarities between Bowings’ story and his own. His heart aches and as he watches Bowing walk around the office, clearly trying to wipe away any emotion he feels toward this story and his past love. Ian wonders, is this his future? A celebrated career as a detective but with a separated heart when it comes to love? When he thinks of Mickey will it only be in that cold and detached way? Will he think that it was all worth it?

Ian doesn’t say anything else, but looks at the photos of him and Mickey. He wants to take them, wants to keep them for himself and keep the memory alive in his head. But then he thinks of the already growing pile of mementos that he has to return to Mickey and he doesn’t want these to be among them.

He tosses them onto the table after one last look. “Will you burn these?”

Bowing looks down and nods. “I know it wasn’t ideal, but Ian, this is the only way this could’ve played out. This is the only way that you could’ve ended.”

Ian sits with that for a moment. He doesn’t respond, what can he say to that?

“Take the week off, feel whatever you need to feel. I’ll make up an excuse for you, just come back next week ready to work.”

Once again, Ian nods and leaves the office.

* * *

When Ian gets home, he can feel it. He can feel the heavy burden of his brain sitting down on his shoulders. He barely has enough energy to box up all of Mickeys’ things. He makes sure it’s all accounted for before he seals the box with tape and slides it in front of Mickeys’ door.

As he closes the door he hears the telltale sign of footsteps. He looks out his peephole and sees Mickey coming up the steps. He watches him take in the sight of the box and stare at it for far too long. Ian should walk away, he should go to his room and succumb to the low his brain is about to force on him. It won’t be for long, Yui will call Lip and throw him into the shower and shove some meds down his throat. He should enjoy it while he can.

He’s about to walk away when Mickey casts a look at Ians door. His eyes are tortured and his hands are in fists at his side. Ian almost thinks, screw it, and decides to wretch open the door and talk this out with Mickey. But it’s too late, Mickey opens his own door and kicks the box inside. He marks the action off with a swift slam of the door.

Ian moves away, his natural instinct carrying him to his bed. He’s asleep before his head hits the pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man... I wonder who Bowing is talking about??? Also, I hope everyone's heart broke reading this because my heart broke while writing this!! AND IT ONLY GETS WORSE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
> 
> Anyway, neither of these chapters have been edited because I wanted to just make sure that you guys got them now rather than later. 
> 
> Leave me some love if you can, I love to hear what you guys think and I swear that every comment and kudos mean something to me!! Even if it's just a keyboard smash, I will send you one back because same!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I promised, chapter 17.... let's pretend that Harvey is white... I know that I wrote him as having dark skin but this idea came into my head and I can't write it any differently now. 
> 
> This chapter is long, so if you need to use the bathroom or get water or just look at the sun today, definitely do so now!

It takes almost a week for his family to barge in and pull him into the land of the living. Well technically they had been in his apartment for two days before they made a move to get him up. He didn’t hear them until he saw Lip and Yui standing over him, gently grabbing at his arms to sit him up.

He goes willingly, realizing that this low he’s in isn’t his worst. It’s bad though, because he loses time between his bed and the shower. Lip sits him on the floor and washes him thoroughly. Ian can tell that he’s talking, probably about Tami and what he’s been up to the past few days. He doesn’t try to focus on the words, doing that will only send him in circles. Instead, he focuses on the sound of his brothers’ voice, the way it goes up and gets lighter when he talks about being a father.

The pounding water feels good against his skin and Lips’ fingers in his hair pull him out of the fog slowly. He hears more, feels more, by the time the water shuts off and Lip wraps a towel around his shoulders. Ian is able to dry himself and dress with only a little help from Lip. By the time they walk into his kitchen, Yui is sitting at the table and Karen, to his surprise, is making food at the stove.

Both give him small smiles and Karen gives a small wave with the spatula in her hand.

“Don’t know what you could possibly be making with my old Chinese food takeout and orange juice.” It was supposed to be a joke, but the sound of his weak voice and truth to the foodless kitchen sends winces through Karen and his brother.

Yui motions to the empty chair next to him and Lip helps him into it. He gratefully accepts a warm mug of tea and holds it between his hands. The only sound is Karen at the stove, it smells good, like bacon and eggs. They must’ve brought that stuff because Ian definitely has been surviving on toast and OJ the last few days.

“How do you feel Ian?” Dr. Yui asks.

Ian nods, gesturing to the tea. “Good, the shower helped. I still feel tired though.”

“That’s understandable. Do you feel ready to take some new meds?”

Ian nods again and soon Karen is handing him a plate of breakfast with a side of meds. He isn’t able to eat a lot but enough to take the meds and not feel the side effects too severely.

They all eat in relative silence, really only being filled in by Karen talking about work and Yui talking about possible new routine options for Ian. Karen says that Bowing has been covering for him all week, filling in Murphy and Forester where he can. Then she mentions that Mickey hasn’t been seen in a few days. Karen says that Bowing isn’t worried, says that he’s someplace safe. He’s with Yev and Lana, he’s lying low, Ian thinks.

“Does anyone know about me and Mickey?” He asks hoarsely.

Karen shakes her head. “He’s been telling them that you were assigned to tail Mickey, but that’s it. There’s been no reason to second guess it.”

Ian nods and allows himself to take up the position as the whistle blower on Yev and Lana. He thinks back to what Bowing had said yesterday, how making Mickey hate him would only further protect him and his family. He also thinks about the timeline he was given too, how Bowing is going to want him back at work after this weekend.

“What day is it?”

“Friday,” Karen says and she looks at the clock. “I actually have to get going soon, I told Bowing that I would be late today but I don’t want to risk not showing my face before noon.”

Ian looks at the clock and sees that it’s almost 11:30. He’s surprised, time passes differently in his head when he’s low. He doesn’t always track it and that’s how he can lose weeks at a time in his own head. He nods and lets Karen put her arm around him in a quick hug.

Lip gets up and starts to clean the kitchen and Yui takes Ian into the bedroom to talk. His room smells stale, even with the open door and window. Looking around the room, he sees the dirty clothes that he must have haphazardly thrown around this past week. He begins to put the clothes in his hamper and stripping his bed of the sweat-soaked sheets.

Yui helps, he collects the trash and cleans out the bathroom. They do this without talking and they do it quickly. Soon, they’re replacing the sheets on the bed and the room feels fresher and open. The fog of Ians’ head leaves with the fog of the room.

Both men sit down on the edge of the bed when they’re done, Lip had come in and taken the dirty laundry starting one before he left. He had given Ian a long hug, one that was reciprocated. His brother was always there, no matter what happened, no matter what he did. Even now, he only knows the bare minimum about Mickey. Well, he might know more, Karen could’ve told him or maybe even Yui filled him in where he could.

“What happened with Mickey, Ian?”

Ian takes a deep breath and then tells him everything that happened after his appointment. He tells him about the walk to the park, seeing the two men live out Ians’ dream, tells him about the confrontation with Mickey and how Ian let him hate him, then he talks about what Bowing told him the other day. He talks about a new fear that he has.

“I don’t want to be detached like he is,” Ian finishes.

Yui nods his head in understanding. “It reminds you too much of how you used to feel?”

“I can’t go back to that.”

“You won’t have to,” Yui says. “Not if you don’t want to.”

Ian suddenly feels the suppressed emotions from this week come to the surface. Instead of feeling nothing, he feels everything. He feels the weight of never seeing him again, of never getting to kiss him and wake up next to him again. He won’t get to see Yev grow up or even watch Mickey be happy.

A sob riddles its way through his body. He leans over, pressing his elbows into his knees and cradling his face in his hands. He lets the tears come and soak through the cracks in between his fingers. He lets his heart break fully, he lets himself live in that feeling. He does what his years of therapy has prepared him for. He feels the hurt so he can eventually move past it. So he doesn’t have to keep feeling this way.

Yui sits with him. He lets him sob and cry until he’s dried up his tear ducts. Eventually when his body calms down, and his breathing evens, Yui places a hand on his shoulder.

“Are you ready to work through it now?”

Ian nods and sits up fully. His face hurts, sinuses stuffed full and congested. He reaches over to his nightstand and grabs some tissues to blow his nose. He feels the stress leave his body, much like he felt the fog leave his head. 

“Ian, I have something to share with you,” he says and pulls out his phone. “A few weeks ago, I had an interesting visitor barge into my office.”

Ian raises an eyebrow and before he can question where this is going, Yui continues.

“This visitor came in and demanded that I take care of you,” he says and Ian begins to catch on slowly but not totally believing where this could be going. “He was so worried about you that he stalked my office and terrorized my poor receptionist.”

Ian looks at Yui, he really looks at him, and sees that his therapist looks proud. There’s a small smile on his face and before he knows it, he’s listening to the voices of Mickey and Yui.

_“You’re taking care of Gallagher, right?”_

_“Mickey, right? I’m afraid I can’t tell you about my patients. If you want to know about Ian, you should ask him.”_

_“I didn’t ask for information on him. I’m making sure that he’s okay, that you’re watching him.”_

_“Why do you want to know?”_

_“Don’t be fucking dense, Doc. I just want to know if you’re watching his back.”_

_“I’m not being dense, but before I answer your question I need to know why the answer is so important to you.”_

_“He deserves someone to look after him, okay?”_

_“Why can’t that someone also be you, Mickey?”_

Ian listens to the recording a few times. At first, to make sure he actually understands what he’s hearing and then the next few times so he can hear Mickeys’ voice again. He’s more than surprised to hear the urgency in his voice. He’s only ever heard him talk like that with Yev and Lana, he’s strangely touched to find that he had once mattered the same way.

“When was this?”

“A few days after you decided to talk to Mickey about a relationship.”

Ians’ head shoots up and feels all ability to speak go out the window. He stares at the timestamp on Yuis’ phone and realizes that it was the same day Mickey had barged into his apartment and kissed him senseless. He had a way of doing that, he thinks. He remembers the way Mickey had no real reason for why he changed his mind about Ian. How Mickey had jumped right in and dragged Ian with him, it was the best thing that ever happened to him.

“I didn’t know about this,” Ian says.

“Would it have changed anything had you known?”

Ian shakes his head. “He knew about you then, he knew before I told him about my bipolar. He still wanted to be with me anyway.”

Yui hums. “Does that surprise you?”

“Yes,” he says plainly.

“Why?”

Ian scoffs, laughing a bitter laugh and is about to go on a long tangent as to why his bipolar disorder changes everything about his potential relationships. How could Yui not understand why Mickey is clearly an anomaly in this world?

“Ian, why does it surprise you that someone would accept you and love you for all that you are? You accepted and loved Mickey even knowing everything that he’s done and had done to him in his life.”

“He couldn’t control any of that, it was all because of his shitty life situation,” Ian argues.

Yui serves him with a look, one that Ian is far too familiar with and it reads that Ian has once again fallen on his own personal hypocrisy when it came to himself. “Ian, you did not choose to be bipolar. It is a hurdle that you have personally overcome and continue to overcome every day you lead a healthy life.”

Ian takes a deep breath and nods, agreeing with the fact that he has worked for his life that he has today. But he wasn’t ready to agree that his disorder wasn’t a reason to forgo a relationship with him.

“Where are you going with this, doc?”

“I know that your separation from Mickey is fresh,” he says. “And this is not going to be your last day where you feel low. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to miss him, and it’s okay to regret your decisions.”

Ian sucks in a breath, that’s been the hardest part of this low spell. The constant drum of repeating words in his head. The same words, turning into a sentence, a constant beat in his head when the darkness closed in but wasn’t strong enough to drag him into sleep.

_There could’ve been another way._

Over and over until the late hours of the night and the creeping color of dawn was enough to get him to shut his eyes for a few minutes of restless sleep.

“Ian, Mickey might’ve been a great love, and this might be a bad low, but I have seen you come back from your lowest points. And like I promised Mickey when he came to see me, I’m going to make sure that you have someone looking after you.”

* * *

Ian spends the weekend hanging out with Tami and Lip. They were painting the extra room in their house to be the new nursery, and Tami couldn’t be in there with all the paint fumes so Ian stepped in to lend Lip a hand. It’s good work, Ian always likes to get up and do things after a long time in bed.

He talks to Yui every day, another step in his process after a low. They tend to talk on the phone and it’s just to make sure that the meds are working and that he’s spending his days with people and not alone. He can never be alone, not when Lip Gallagher is his brother.

They’re finishing up their last coat of primer, having been working all day in relative silence. But as Lip finishes on one side and Ian finishes on another side, both brothers seem to know that they have to have a long overdue conversation.

“So,” Lip starts as he puts down his brush. “What’s the story with Mickey?”

Ian puts his own brush down and wipes his hands on his already dirty t-shirt. “You know most of it, I just left out the details that pertained to work.”

Lip nods accepting this, he doesn’t ask again already knowing that Ian is going to fill him in on the rest anyway. And he does, Ian tells him about the case, he tells him about the complications of their relationship once they found out about each other. He sees Lip smirk a bit when Ian explains how he couldn’t stop thinking about Mickey even when he found out he was a Milkovich.

The only thing he leaves out is Lanas’ own past with Iggy, instead telling Lip that she was one of Terrys’ girls and decided to leave without his permission and he leaves out how Yev was conceived. He can’t come up with a lie that sounds even remotely close, so he doesn’t try. He refuses to call it a one night stand when both parties were forced at gun point.

Once he’s done, both men are seated on the tarp covered floor. Lip hasn’t said a word, only hummed when Ian paused or made a comment he agreed with. In the end, his brother reacts exactly how he expected him to. Lip places his hand on Ians’ shoulder, gives him a smile and says, “you’ve got this.”

* * *

Walking into work Monday morning is the last thing Ian wants to do. He had gone through his usual morning routine, wake up, take his meds, go on a run, shower and then head to work. It was almost like Mickey had never been in his life, like nothing had changed the last few months. But it has, it has because he can’t walk past the neighboring door without imploring himself not to stare longingly at it.

He walks into the precinct, giving some coworkers a polite smile and greeting but he ultimately makes a bee line for Bowings’ office. Again, he doesn’t knock and this time he really wishes he had.

“You don’t just get to make these choices for people, Stephen!” Harvey shouts as Ian opens the door. Harvey is standing the middle of the room chest to chest with Bowing, both men look like they’ve been arguing. Harvey has red eyes and Bowing looks sadder then Ian has ever seen him.

They step away from each other, hastily and Ian swears he can see Bowing look at Harvey regretfully before changing his view to Ian. Harvey clears his throat and without looking at either man he stalks out of the office. Ian watches him go, intrigued. When he turns back around, Bowing is looking like he usually does, peacefully detached.

He has so many questions, ones he’s prepared to ask right now but Bowing cuts him off instead.

“How are you feeling? Detective Jackson told me that you were sick for a few days.”

There’s no inflection to his voice, nothing that makes Ian think that he knows what Karen really means when she says ‘sick’. But for some reason he still feels the need to explain to Bowing.

“I have bipolar disorder, sir, I had a low spell this past week.”

This stops Bowing, he looks up from where he had been organizing papers on his desk. Both of them are silent for a moment and then the agent nods.

“Thank you for telling me. You got everything figured out?”

Ian nods, knowing that he’s not only asking about his disease but also asking about his feelings for Mickey. “I let him go,” he says.

For a second, Bowings’ eyes go sad and they flit to the closed door that Harvey had angrily stomped out of. But it’s only for a short moment before he looks back to Ian and gives him a gentle nod.

“Good, because you and I are going on a field trip.”

Ian is immediately skeptical. “What kind of field trip?”

“The kind that’s going to make you want to hit me.”

Ian snorts but follows the man out of the office anyway.

* * *

It takes no time for Ian to figure out what’s going on, not when SWAT and CSU show up out in the parking lot. Murphy stands off to the side with Karen and Ian while Bowing and Harvey stand at the front of the crowd holding up an envelope.

“We have a search warrant, for Tough Guy Boxing Gym. It applies to everything and we want everything. The only thing off limits is any rough housing unless provoked. I don’t need any suits against this department. Lieutenant Murphy will be with Agent Harvey and I want Detective Gallagher with me,” Bowing says, eyeing Ian while he does.

Ian feels his entire body go rigid and Karen places a gentle hand at his elbow to steady him. She’s whispering through the corner of her mouth to him, small reassurances that are unfortunately doing nothing. 

Harvey begins to talk and Ian is fascinated, and happily distracted from his panic attack, to see that he doesn’t look at all like the upset man he had seen earlier. In fact, he can’t even tell that the two agents had been arguing that morning. They both move around eachother effortlessly, when one pauses to speak the other picks up finishing the sentence for him.

Ian begins to think about Bowings’ story about hi ex and how he never mentioned their gender or their skin color or if they happened to be going through their Quantico training at the same time. Ian studies Harvey while he can, he’s tall, skinny and with bright skin that has a faded olive tone to it. He imagines that after some time in the sun, he tans quite a bit. Ian watches as Bowings’ eyes move from Ian and watch Harvey talk about the positions some of the squads will be taking. He watches him like Ian used to watch Mickey. He would recognize that look anywhere.

They’re splitting up into vans and cars before too long and Bowing catches Ians’ eye once again and motions for him to follow. He does, having so many questions but not knowing where to start. Before he can, Bowing is maneuvering him into the passenger seat of a car and shutting the door.

As Bowing gets in on the driver’s side, he looks at Ian. “Are you going to be able to keep your cool?”

Oh right, the search warrant, Ian had forgotten in his gay voyeurism of the two federal agents. Now concentrating on who exactly he is about to see and what he’s about to do, a stone settles in his gut.

“Why are we going this?” He gets out.

“It’s part of the deal, now answer me, are you going to be okay?” Bowing asks.

Ian manages a nod because he has to and because he knows that if he doesn’t it will cause more harm than there already is. Bowing believes him and starts the car. They’re both quiet as he drives, Ian focusing on the proper procedure of searching a business and hoping that if he does that then he won’t have to look at Mickey when he gets to the gym.

It’s a short drive, Bowing stops their car right in front and is out in record time. They walk in surrounded by CSU techs and other officers and agents. Bowing is holding up the search warrant in the air and yelling calmly as he enters.

“I have a search warrant here, everyone remain calm.”

Of course, in a room full of young kids, all of who have been taught to fear law enforcement, nothing remains calm. In fact, the entire room becomes the antithesis of calm in about two seconds after the words leave Bowings’ mouth.

Kids start screaming and looking for the nearest exit that isn’t blocked off by SWAT and it turns into a giant chaotic scramble. Harvey looks at Bowing with an eyebrow raised and an expression that looks like it reads, really? Bowing only smirks at him and usually Ian wouldn’t look to see Harveys’ reaction but now he does. Harveys’ cheeks are subtly pink and there’s a slight smile playing at his lips.

Oh that’s so gay, Ian thinks and with a smirk he steps forward with Bowing and begins to try and corral the screaming kids. It doesn’t work, not until an instantly recognizable voice yells out, “what the fuck guys, chill the fuck out.”

The kids stop screaming and running, they look to their coach as Mickey steps out of the office and straight up to Bowing. The agent hands him the search warrant and begins to tell Mickey what they’re looking for.

Ian keeps his eyes on Bowing, refusing to even look at the man out of the corner of his eye. He can see him reading the warrant, he can see his hands tighten around it as he listens to Bowing. It doesn’t take long for him to look up and his eyes land on Ian. They’re cold, much like they were when he left Ians’ apartment.

“Fine, we have nothing to hide here,” Mickey says stepping back. He turns to the kids, telling them to chill out and that they should just wait until the pigs finish their search. Ian walks over to the wall of trophies and pictures and begins to inspect every single one. It keeps his back turned to Mickey, which he needs to do or else he’ll want to go to him and talk.

That doesn’t seem to be a problem though because Bowing asks Mickey to show him to the office and they’re gone without a second’s hesitation. Ian releases a breath and starts to actually look at the pictures lining the walls. A few of the fighters are local champions, some he knows have gone on to get boxing scholarships at colleges and others he knows have joined the ranks of the Milkovich family.

The search doesn’t take long, Harvey and Murphy interview some of the kids and CSU mostly just dusts for prints and takes the electronics from the front desk and office. Bowing and Mickey stay back there for longer than Ian would’ve guessed. He knows that only Harvey and Bowing and Ian know about the protection deal for Mickey but he doesn’t know if Mickey has taken it yet. Bowing probably won’t tell him, not until trial starts and the witness line is released.

Suddenly, Bowing strolls out of the office, Mickey following and his eyes on Ian. Ian doesn’t even have the chance to look away before he’s locked in on his stare. God, he’s missed those eyes. He looks good, or as good as he can. Ian can tell that he’s lost a few nights sleep from the darkness under his eyes. But Ian expected nothing less, not when the potential safety of his kid is at risk.

Ian recognizes that his eyes aren’t nearly as cold as they had been. In fact, they look almost concerned as he observes Ian standing there awkwardly in his gym. Ian takes the time to do the same, his eyes stop on his chest as he realizes that Mickey is wearing his shirt. It’s one he must’ve left at Mickeys’ apartment and his heart is about to burst out of his chest. Mickey seems to realize what he’s looking at and in haste zips up his jacket to his neck to hide the shirt.

The spell is broken after that and Mickey goes back to questioning Bowing about his intrusion and how long it’s going to take. Bowing seems to look positively giddy and he makes no move to hide his smile. “Oh, we’re just about done here, Mr. Milkovich. You have a good day now, okay?”

Mickey responds with a scowl and a swift finger to Bowing. Ian would’ve laughed had he not been so intrigued by Bowings’ mood. He hadn’t been nervous before this, but now he looks like he’s sitting at million-dollar poker game with a winning hand. Maybe Mickey accepted the deal? He doesn’t make a move to ask, not until he and Bowing are sitting the car.

“What was that about?”

The agent just smirks.

Ian looks back out the window and sees Mickey staring at their car curiously. He looks away when he sees Ian and walks out of their line of sight. Ian tries again to ask Bowing about what happened in the office but the agent only replies with some bullshit about it being privileged between him and Mickey. Ian scoffs, but lets it rest. Bowing pulls away from the curb and starts asking if Ian wants to grab food before heading back to the precinct and it isn’t until they start talking about getting some for everyone else when Ian remembers his earlier revelation.

Without any preamble Ian blurts out, “Harvey was your partner, wasn’t he?”

The only sign that he caught the agent off guard is the subtle tightening of his hand on the steering wheel. “He is my partner, kid. At least on this case, he is.”

“You know what I mean,” Ian says.

Bowing just sighs. It’s a sad sound, one that doesn’t sound like the jovial agent that just had a successful search. It sounds like it comes from a tired old man who has lost everything in his life and stopped fighting a long time ago. “Drop it, Gallagher. That’s not your concern, and it never will be.”

Ian does, but only because he recognized that sound from somewhere deep inside himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How much do you hate me?? The next chapter is a bit shorter, and be posted on Thursday because my day is insane on Friday and I don't want to leave you guys waiting again!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed these two chapters and I hope that they made you feel something because I felt everything while writing this. This is probably my favorite chapter I have written yet, it's neck and neck with the Mickey chapter. 
> 
> Leave me your feels in the comments and let me know what you think!!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okie Dokie Readers, this chapter is on the shorter side but it's still good. This also hasn't been edited so my apologies for any mistakes. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this bit of angst and fill before the last TWO CHAPTERS + EPILOGUE 
> 
> Oh man, we're getting down to it. Homestretch!

Work for the next few weeks is like walking through thick mud. After the raid, both the precinct and the Milkovich compound is buzzing. Mickey makes himself scarce but from the surveillance photos no one seems to suspect anything. It’s a miracle that Terry still hasn’t figured out about Yev and Lana. Somehow, there hasn’t been a single leak with any information regarding the case.

After the raid, Ian asked to be taken off the Milkovich case. He didn’t ask Bowing, he went straight to Murphy and asked him for a lighter case load. It wasn’t hard, he played the familiar tune about med readjustment and Murphy granted him the request. After, Ian ignores the looks that Bowing gives him and focuses on paperwork.

A light caseload just means desk duty, for the next few weeks Ian will fill out paperwork and assist other detectives on cases. Pretty much, anything that has nothing to do with the Milkovich or Parella family. Karen doesn’t say anything, only nod encouragingly at him when he asks for any other case files she needs to finish filling out.

Of course, them being partners and Karen still assisting on the federal case, Ian does see updates occasionally. It’s how he knows that Mickey has been seen more and more with suspicious looking black eyes and potential new injuries under his clothes. Ian overhears Bowing and Harvey in the breakroom talking about Terrys’ rage and how Mickey has undoubtedly become his punching bag. Ian leaves shortly after that.

Now that he has more free time, Ian is able to observe Harvey and Bowing. Normally, they’re the picture of professional partners. Harvey always backing Bowing in meetings, following his lead on case leads. If Ian hadn’t seen what he had seen, he wouldn’t think twice. But now, he knows. So he knows where to look. He sees the way Harvey tracks Bowing across the office with his eyes. He doesn’t meet his eyes when Bowing looks directly at him and he never stays in the same room longer than he needs it.

What Ian finds most interesting however, is the way Bowing seems to see it just like Ian does. He’s much better at hiding his expression from everyone but now that Ian has taken to watching them like a freak he’s able to catch the slips. Bowing makes small excuses for them to be in the same room for much longer than necessary, he brings Harvey breakfast and coffee even if he already has some, or how the angle of his eyes always tilt downward slightly when Harvey ignores the hidden meaning behind these actions.

Ian sees because he understands and because he would be doing exactly the same thing if it were him and Mickey. In these times that Ian watches them, there’s a few where Bowing finds his eyes and they have a silent conversation between them. Most days, it’s one sided with Ian raising a questioning brow and Bowing just shutting his expression away.

But then, there are days where Bowing will give in to Ians’ questions and give him an imploring look. One that reads, this is why you let him go. Ian is the first to look away those days, not wanting to be reminded of his decision. He hates to dwell on it, hates to have time to overthink his decision to let Mickey go.

The paperwork helps, he’s able to forget about the Milkovich family and focus on burglaries and small-time assault cases. He tends to stay at the precinct, interviewing witnesses when they come in or even interrogating a few suspects. He likes the routine it gives him, he likes that there’s less uncertainty now. He doesn’t have to actively think about Mickey or his family and he doesn’t have to

Yui would call it avoidance but Ian calls it a success when he can get through his entire day without feeling the need to call Mickey and explain everything. Granted, he hasn’t made it a full day yet but he’s made it a few hours and he thinks that counts for something.

* * *

It’s the end of a really bad day when Ian sees Mickey again. He doesn’t see him at the complex ever, assuming that he’s with Yev and Lana whenever he can make it and then ignoring Ian the rest of the time. It works for them, it’s their new normal. Much like how colliding into each other’s lives happened so quickly and seamlessly, so did their retreat from each other’s lives.

It’s late, later than Ian has worked in a really long time. He stopped doing this when he had Mickey to come home to, now he welcomes the drowning paperwork to lure him to sleep every night. His bag is thick with files and sitting heavily on his shoulder as he walks up the steps to his door.

He hears the sound of keys in front of him but doesn’t think anything of it until he hears a familiar voice curse, “shit.” Ians’ head springs up and he sees Mickey struggling with his keys at his own door. Ian can barely comprehend it, he sounds like Mickey and from this angle he looks like Mickey but there’s something wrong. Ian can see it, see it in the way his shoulders tense at the sound of Ians’ footsteps.

He turns around quickly and Ians’ heart clenches at the sight of a new bruise forming on Mickeys’ cheek along with a bleeding lip. Neither man say a word, only continuing in the staring contest. Ian is the first to break the silence, “do you need help with that?” He motions to the keys in Mickeys’ hands.

Surprisingly, Mickey nods and holds out the keys with a shaky hand. Ian can see that his knuckles are bruised and bloody. At least he put up some fight, he thinks. As he takes the keys from him, Ian feels the same shock he always feels when he touches Mickey. He swallows the sad sound he wants to emit and focuses on opening the door instead.

They’re so close that almost every part of them is touching. Ian is surprised that Mickey doesn’t back away, he might be dreaming but it feels like the two men are moving closer together. He can feel Mickeys’ breath on the side of his neck as he slides the key in. He doesn’t move to turn it though, instead, he twists his head to meet Mickeys’ eyes.

They’re staring back at him, open and earnest, not like the mug shot in Bowings’ office. These are the eyes that Ian had woken up to every morning, the ones that stared openly at him when they made love. He doesn’t know how long they stand like that, just watching each other. Ian is shocked to feel Mickeys’ hand cover his own on the key.

Together, they twist the key in the lock and before the door opens Mickey whispers, breath fanning across his face, “Ian.” That’s all it takes. Ian leans in and Mickey meets him the middle, their lips crashing. Relief flows through him like a ripple of pleasure and he invades Mickeys’ mouth with his tongue. He’s overjoyed to feel Mickey meet him with the same ferocity. It’s been so long, too long since they’ve been able to connect like this.

Ians hands find Mickeys’ cheeks and he gently places them there. He brings his thumbs to the other mans’ temples and rubs them. Mickeys’ own hands cover Ians’, he squeezes them once before skating them down his arms to rest on his biceps.

Mickey pushes at Ian and uses their combined weight to open the door. They stumble into the living room, Ian pushes against Mickey and closes the door. Memories rush through his head as he remembers when Mickey did the same to him all those weeks ago. The first time they had been together with their secrets laid bare.

Mickey releases a moan that sends everything through Ian all at once. Ian slides a leg in between Mickeys’ and feels the reciprocated pressure between his legs. His own choked sound crawls out of his throat and it’s harmonized with Mickeys’ own noises.

It’s all beautiful, it’s all amazing that is until Ian moves his hand to Mickeys’ side to pull him closer and Mickey makes a sound that Ian never wanted to hear in a time like this. Their moment is broken, Ian takes his hands away quickly and sees the Mickey bends at his waist grabbing at his side.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

Mickey doesn’t seem to hear him as he lifts his shirt. He exposes the bruised skin and Ian chokes out a sob. The skin hasn’t just been bruised, it’s been re-bruised, someone has taken to hurting this spot over and over. He reaches a hand out and lifts the shirt some more and he finds more bruises, some healing and some new.

“Mickey,” he whimpers. He feels tears fall down his cheeks, amazed. He hasn’t felt this much emotion since they broke up. If he were to really think about it, he would realize that he hasn’t felt this much emotion about anything since he was diagnosed as bipolar. He would realize that it’s Mickey, it’s Mickey that woke him up and continues to wake him up and gives him a reason to live. It wouldn’t surprise him.

Mickeys’ hand covers his own, gently and it pulls Ians’ attention to Mickeys’ face. His eyes are red rimmed and filled with tears, his hand comes up to grip Ians’ face and he holds him there. “Ian,” he says sounding so wrecked and terrified that Ian wants to burn the world for him.

Before he can stop it, he starts apologizing, words tumbling out of his mouth at a rate where his mind can’t keep up. He’s not even processing it, not really, only focusing on Mickeys’ eyes as they search his face. He’s making him worried, that much he can tell, because his eyes can’t focus on one spot on Ians’ face.

Ian is shut up by a strong kiss. It works, but doesn’t move to anything more. Ian takes a deep breath and allows for Mickey to hold him there, hold him together, like he always has. 

“You with me?” Mickey asks.

Ian nods gently, not wanting to dislodge the other mans’ hands from his face. “I’m sorry,” he says and Mickey squeezes his face and shushes him.

“I need you to listen to me,” he starts and Ian nods again. “I need you to leave.”

Ian starts shaking his head fervently and apologizing again and trying to tell him how he never meant for Yev and Lana to be exposed and how eh only meant to protect them.

Mickey cuts him off again but this time with a choked sob, and Ian selfishly realizes that he’s been crying this whole time. “Ian, please,” his voice trembles. “We can’t do this, I want to, but you have to listen to me, you have to leave.”

Both of their tears flow freely, their bodies shake with their sobs and like the tearing of skin Mickey drops his hands and nudges Ian away from him. He reaches behind him and opens the door for Ian. He can only watch Mickey, who now looks at Ians’ shoulder, but can see the tension his body. He can see how difficult this is for him, he can see how much he wants to change his mind.

“Trust me,” he says once more and Ian knows that if he were to stay any longer he would watch the man he loves break into a million pieces. But Ian does trust him, he trusts him with everything and always will.

He steps away and toward the door. Before he leaves he stops to look at Mickey whose shaking is not as easily hidden and his heart cracks down the middle. “I love you,” he whispers.

Mickey closes his eyes tightly and can only manage a nod before closing the door on Ian. When he hears the lock click into place he can feel himself break into a million pieces and he hates knowing that the same happens to Mickey.

* * *

Ian barely sits down at his desk when Bowing stomps up to his desk and grabs him under his arm. Ian is so drained from yesterday that he stumbles along with him without much of a fight. They safely get into Bowings’ office when the agent releases Ian.

“Have you lost your goddamn mind?” He practically shouts at Ian.

His mind has been sluggish since his encounter with Mickey yesterday and can only look on, unimpressed. Bowing doesn’t like that, because he lets out an angry noise and shoves a file into Ians’ chest. Ian opens it, seeing surveillance photos from last night. He shouldn’t be surprised to see him and Mickey standing close together at Mickeys’ front door.

He sighs and flips the folder closed, handing it back to Bowing who just smacks it to the ground.

“I have worked hard to bury your relationship, you told me you ended it, so why the fuck have you gone and jeopardized everything?”

He just can’t handle this anymore, he can’t handle the hypocrisy of Bowing, not when he’s just as bad as Ian. He’s the one that’s ruined every possible hope he ever had with Mickey and the one who extinguished them without care.

“I don’t care,” he grits out, looking down at the photo that is now laying on the ground.

Bowing splutters, “excuse me?”

“I don’t care!” Ian lets out, feeling no more need to be polite. “I don’t fucking care about your case or the fact that you could expose me. All I care about is that man,” he says pointing to the photo of Mickey and him. “He is everything to me, I would trade it all for him and that includes my own life. So, please, save your bullshit reprimand for someone who actually cares.”

Bowing scoffs. “You would trade your life for him? Really? You would be that stupid? You would give up your career, which is actually promising, for some fleeting thing?” 

Ian laughs bitterly, “just because you don’t have the balls to choose love over yourself, Bowing, doesn’t mean other people don’t.”

In a flash, Bowing is crowding Ian with a hand to his throat. “You don’t know anything, you little shit. You don’t know anything about me or about Adam, so shut your mouth about him. You think this is just about the case? You think I’m not working my ass off to fix what’s gotten screwed up? Well, then you can go fuck yourself, Gallagher.”

Bowing releases him and Ian bends over coughing and gasping for breath. It hurts, he has to take shallow breaths before he can take a deep one. He can see Bowing pacing in front of him, the other man wringing his hands out in an attempt to calm down. He picks up the picture and inspects it. Ian watches him as his face goes soft with understanding and what seems like envy.

“I remember what it was like, I remember feeling like I could have everything if I just fought for it,” he says before looking back at Ian. “I remember feeling so arrogant and I hated anyone who told me different. But there was no one I hated more than myself when it ended, and that hasn’t changed a day since.”

Ian looks on confused and Bowing snorts. “I have been working every day, since I gave him up, to get him back.”

Ian watches as Bowing leans against the wall of photos and doesn’t know where to start. He stutters something out that should embarrass him but can’t find himself caring. Wanting to know more about Bowing and his past.

“I have regretted letting Adam go since the day I did it, even after all these years I have wanted no one but him. Working with him now, it’s only confirmed that I can’t continue without him. But I can’t tell him that now, it’s not that simple. Not with Terry Milkovich wanting to take me out every time I leave this building, I can’t bring Adam into it like this.”

That, Ian understands, he feels the all too familiar excuse to make sure everything is stowed away before revealing your plan to your loved one. It’s how he lost Mickey. Ian is about to say just that, when a voice from behind Bowing speaks up, “you’re an idiot.”

Both men turn to see Harvey standing in the entrance to the office. He’s holding two coffee cups. Ian can’t help but smirk, Bowings’ olive branches have not gone unnoticed and are no longer unreciprocated.

Bowing seems to finally be stunned into silence. Harvey walks in and closes the door behind him, he ignores Ian and moves straight for his partner. “I’m already in it, we’re both in it, so why can’t we be in it together?”

“It’s not the same, I asked for this assignment, you didn’t,” Bowing says shaking his head.

Harvey starts laughing which seems to surprise Bowing even more than he already is. Harvey sets down the coffee and grabs Bowing by the face. “I asked for this assignment, just like I asked to be reassigned to New York.”

Bowing gapes at the other man, but Ian can see that behind the shock is the overwhelming urge to kiss the man in front of him. Ian takes that as his cue to leave and starts to move toward the door. Surprisingly, it’s Harvey that stops him.

“Ian,” he says, barely looking away from Bowing to speak to him. “Give it time, I promise, it will all make sense soon.”

For some reason, he trusts him because he nods his head. As he leaves he hears the obvious sound of sniffles but makes no move to look. That moment is for them and them alone, much like the one last night between him and Mickey. It’s why he keeps the forbidden photo, tucked under his arm until it safely sits in his bag. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, thank you for sharing your love, and thank you for sticking with me for this story! 
> 
> XOXOXO


End file.
